Has anyone ever called you ugly? Insulting you often? Well, here's a few things you can tell that jerk:

1. "F*ck you!" (Keep it simple.)
2. "So's your life."
3. "At least I can get cosmetic surgery. But you're stuck being a dumbass forever."
4. "Really? That's not what your mom said last night." (This only works if you're a guy)
5. "If I'm ugly, then what are you?"
6. "Dude, you're so ugly you can make onions cry! Have you looked in the mirror lately? Oh wait, I remember, you broke them all!"
7. "At least I don't have to sneak up on my mirror like you."
8. "Yes I am!" (2 thumbs up)
9. "Well, it takes one to know one."
10. "Back at you b*tch!"
11. "Want to see something even uglier? There's a mirror over there."
12. "Thanks. You too!"
13. "...What's your point?"
14. "Ugly? That's it?"
15. "You know, if I shaved my dog's ass and made him walk backwards, you would see your
twin."
16. "So are you, and I don't complain."
17. "Ok. Anything else you want to add?"
18. "I don't remember asking you for your opinion." (Only works if you have a death glare to go along with it)
19. "Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. But guess what? Nobody cares."
20. "Sorry, I don't speak dumbass."
21. "Such ignorance is not worthy of a comeback." (This may get you beat up.)
22. "Thanks. I try."
23. "I'd insult you back, but I don't like taking advantage of the mentally challenged."
24.  Look at the Insults page on this website for more ideas.

Note: You don't need comebacks for such a stupid insult.
Disclaimer: We are not responsible for you getting beat up/killed. Use these comebacks at your own risk.

Do you live in a dangerous area? Get mugged often? Or are there just too many serial killers running around? Here's your guide on how to make your very own pepper spray:
Warning: Pepper spray is ONLY used for self-defense purposes. Do NOT go around spraying people, as fun as it is. Pepper spray causes temporary vision loss, burning eyes, and blind stumbling around
like an idiot.

1. Put 2 table spoons of crushed red peppers into a 150mL cup of water. You can crush the peppers yourself using the back of a  spoon or knife.
2. Add 3 table spoons of black pepper powder.
3. Stir with spoon until powder has dissolved for best results.
4. Add 10 drops of baby oil.
5. Boil the water.
6. Pour this into a bottle and shake well. (This step is optional)
7. Use a filter and filter out the undissolved pepper powder. (This is so it won't clog the spray bottle when you're spraying. Wouldn't want that to happen when it's an emergency.)
8. Pour this into a spray bottle. (Lotions and liquid soap usually come in spray bottles that you can use. Do NOT use pressurized cans.)

Tips: Store pepper spray in fridge when not in use. If you happen to get pepper spray in your eyes
(you're an idiot), washing it with milk will help.
Disclaimer: We are not responsible for any injuries/death. Pepper spray may be illegal to carry in some places.

Failing class? Well, we have no advice for that. But here's a few ways to annoy your professor:

1. Draw abstract paintings called "Professor know-it-all" and hand them in with your assignments.
2. Sit at the back of the class. When the professor is talking, ask him/her to speak up because you
can't hear. Say you can't move to the front of the class because you're scouting the room for assassins.
3. Keep asking your professor to prove everything they say. Insist that you won't believe these "lies" until you see evidence.
4. Wear the funniest looking hats you can find to class everyday.
5. When handing in your assignments, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle. When your professor asks, say "Thank god you found it! I thought someone stole my top secret recipe again!"
6. Mail your professor a phonebook for Christmas.
7. Secretly take pictures of your professor outside of class (e.g at the coffee shop, grocery store) and mail them to him/her labelled as The Best Professor in the World.
8. Come to class dressed in a black ninja garb. Don't say why.
9. Come to class dressed in a white ninja garb the next day. Explain that "they" kicked you out of the clan and you had to switch forces.
10. Sit at the front of the class and stare at your professor through binoculars. Explain that you need to see better to learn better.
11. Hand in assignments written in ink on parchment paper. Explain that the power went out last night and you had to do it the "old fashioned way."
12. Come to class in a Halloween mask on Fridays. When your professor asks, simply explain "Today's Friday."
13. Bring candles and incense to class. Perform a ceremony before handing in your assignment, blessing the paper to correct all your typos.
14. Hand in your assignment in an enveloped with postmarks from several countries. Say you wanted several perspectives and resources. Say your aunt Barbara said you deserved an A.
15. Perfume the assignment with catnip. Explain that it was to keep the rats away.
16. Refuse to do the assignment because you object to the slaughter of trees.
17. Take a picture of your professor during class. Email it to him/her and say "A picture is worth a thousand words..."
18. Hand in a crudely drawn picture attached to the end of your assignments with the caption: "The topic was so emotional that mere words cannot express all that I had to say. Therefore I had to include this picture."
19. Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand to ask a stupid question
or make a statement. When the professor tells you you're wrong, yell at the cactus "I can't believe you embarrassed me again!"
20. Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through, stand up and start using it. Yell out "I can't stand
sitting in this pigsty any longer!"
21. Come to class very early one day and eat your breakfast there. When your professor enters, ask "Want some pancakes?"
22. Make a very ugly sculpture of your professor and mail it to him/her with the note "From: Your favorite student"
23. Wear a tuxedo (if you're male) or evening dress (if you're female) to class one day. Arrive fashionably late and explain you were just at a wedding. Apologize for being late. Explain that it was the groom's fault.
24. Come to class in a chicken suit. Explain that it's for your job, but you had trouble getting out of it last night.
25. Come to class dressed as an angel. Say that it's for your drama class.
26. Before Winter break or Spring break, wish your professor a good vacation. Tell him/her that you'll be having the time of your life at Fat camp.
27. Dye your hair a different color everyday.
28. Wear a shirt that says "Call me Bob." Wear a shirt the next day that says "Call me Sam." Wear a shirt the third day that says "Just call me."
29. Bring a framed picture of a $20 bill and place it on your desk. Make sure your professor sees it. Explain that it inspires you.
30. Arrive late to class and say "Actually, I'm here for tomorrow's lesson, so in fact, I'm early."
31. Bring 5 water bottles to class and drink all of it. Ask your professor to let you go to the bathroom. If he/she says no, get up and run out of the class yelling "Watch out! Full bladder coming through!"

Disclaimer: We are not responsible for you getting detention, suspension or expulsion. Or failing.

Hate your job? Want to get a new one, but don't want to go through the trouble of quitting? Why not do it the fun way?

1. Develop a fear of staplers.
2. Email your boss spam letters such as "Become Fabulous! Here it is: what we've been waiting for years! Fabulous 3000! It will definitely make you FA.....wait for it.....BULOUS! So BUY IT!
CONSUME IT! BE IT! Visit stupidstuff.lol.net to become what you've always dreamed of!"
3. Find out where your boss shops. Buy the same outfits and wear them one day after your boss does. If you don't want to waste money, you may be able to refund them after.
4. Name your pens and insist that you can't work until they are all present.
5. Place 2 garbage cans in your office. Label them "IN" and "OUT"
6. Email your coworkers messages informing them about everything you are doing such as "I am now organizing my pens in alphabetical order" or "I am now putting the papers in the photocopier."
7. Email your coworkers a message saying "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom having diarrhea."
8. Paste pictures of your boss all over the cubicle. Even put framed pictures of him/her on your
desk.
9. Put a GIGANTIC picture of William Shakespeare on your desk. Say it inspires you.
10. As you're working, count to 100. If anyone asks, tell them you are counting your brain cells.
11. Follow your boss around spraying everything they touch with disinfectant. Say "just in case...."
12. Always walk very slowly and block the path. When coworkers complain, say "better safe than sorry."

Just for random fun. Not recommended. But just in case you ever get bored.

1. Follow someone around for a few minutes and then speak into your watch saying "Agent 203, subject 493 is unresponsive. Code 34."
2. Run up the "down" escalators. When you reach the top, take the escalors down.
3. Walk up to a stranger is a grocery store and hand them a spatula. Say "The future of the earth depends on you."
4. Walk around a grocery store calmly. Suddenly, grab an apple, take a bite, and put it back.
Turn to the nearest person and say "You saw nothing."
5. Follow someone around and spray everything they touch with disinfectant.
6. Tell a stranger a very lame joke. Then start laughing at your own joke like a hyena.
7. Take out your cellphone and look at your text messages. Suddenly scream "Oh my god! I've been found! I'll have to pack my bags! I'll have to leave the country! I'll have to trim these nose hairs!"
8. Count to 100. When someone asks, say "I'm counting my brain cells."
9. Don't use deodorant. "Accidentally" stick your armpit in someone's face.
10. Go to a public washroom. Look in the mirror and scream "Oh my god! I'm hideous!"
11. Eavesdrop on other people's conversations and say "LOL, please!"
12. Go to a pet store. Ask to see all the rabbits. Pretend to have trouble picking which one to buy. Ask the employees which one tastes the best. If they ask, explain it's for your pet python.
13. Go to McDonalds. Order a bacon-cheeseburger placed between 2 Big Macs with extra Mocha sauce.
14. Go into a restaurant and order their most expensive meal stuffed inside their second most expensive meal.
15. Dress up as a private investigator with the trench coat, sunglasses, and magnifying glass. Show random people your ID and ask "Have you seen this person?"
16. Go to McDonalds. Order fries without the potatoes.
17. Go on the public transit. Find an empty seat next to someone and ask "May I sit down?" When they say yes, sit on their lap.
18. Walk around Walmart. Bump into someone and say "Oh my god. It's YOU again."
19. Run up to an old man. Throw your arms up and say "Oh my god! Grandpa?! I thought you
were dead! I can't believe you're alive! How about a hug for your favorite grandson/daughter?"
20. Get into a taxi. When they ask where you want to go, say "Iceland."
21. Go to a grocery store. Pick up bacon and scream "What have they done to you, Porky?!"
22. Walk into Starbucks. Ask for directions to Tim Hortons.
23. Hug a random person. If people start staring, say "We're having a moment....Leave."
24. Go up to random people and say you're from a marketing research company. Ask them "If you had a magical snail that could grant you any wish. What would you wish for?" Record the answers.
(Leave the answers in the comments below)
25. Dress up as a salesman. Go up to random people and try selling Cheerios as mini donut-seeds.
26. Ride a bike past a cop while drinking juice and yell "You can't catch me!"
27. Walk up to a random person and say "You look like my last ex. So...you single?"
28. Go to a clothing store. Go into the change-rooms and stay in there for a long time. When the employee knocks on the door, scream "Hold on a second. I'm naked!"
29. Go to the library. Ask the librarian for a book on "How to Get Away With Murder."
30. Go to walmart. Buy 30 sacks of potatoes and tell the cashier you're preparing for the next Apocalypse. Return the potatoes the next day and say "I missed the apocalypse."
31. Go to Subway sandwiches. Order a subway with everything, but no bread.
32. Go to a restaurant you hate. Order "two omelettes, one extra runny and the other extra burnt." Order burnt toast with butter so hard you can't spread it, a bowl of salad with 1/4 teaspoon of sauce, half raw bacon, and coffee so weak it tastes like boiled water with coffee flavoring. When the waitor tells you he can't give you that, say "Why not? That's what you served me yesterday
33. Walk into a coffeeshop. Order a coffee then say "Aren't you going to ask me 'Do you want
fries with that?'"
34. Walk up to someone and say "Oh my god, it's you! We haven't talked in ages! How's it going?" See how they react.
35. Wear a white lab coat and carry a clipboard around with you. Ask people questions like
"On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you like eating?"
36. Walk around and yell at people "Button! Who has my button?!!"
37. Scream "The voices are back!" and clutch your head. Then, suddenly turn back normal and deny that ever happened if people ask.
38. Ask random people "Do you want to join the Dark Side?"

Can't handle the burn? The next time you find yourself stuck in a SPICY FOOD EATING competition, follow these tips and you're guaranteed to win (unless they're professionals). Or maybe you're just really bored and want to train yourself to eat spice. Spicy food is very healthy if eaten in moderation. Anyways, back to the list:

1. Eat a bunch of bananas or ice cream beforehand.
2. Eat it slowly. That way, the heat won't build up and you'll be able to tolerate it. (This tip does not apply if there's a time limit.Although eating faster works for some people. 
3. Drink something ice cold. Cold yogurt, milk, smoothies, or ice-cream works best. Let the liquid stay in your mouth for a while before swallowing. Stay away from soda and water.
4. Eat dry crackers, bagels, or bread along with the food.
5. Suck on a lemon slice or some sugar.
6. If you have spice on your hands, don't touch your eyes.
7. Practice. 

Warning: Start at the bottom of the "spiciness" scale and work your way up.
Disclaimer: We are not
responsible for any injuries and/or death.

Ever wanted to annoy people at a party? If you said no, then there's a first time for everything right? If you said yes, then follow these steps
below:

1. Whisper to the guests "What kind of lame moron goes to these parties?"
2. Tell a female guest "Your boyfriend seems very happy with that girl in the bathroom..."
3. Wear a feather boa and sneeze all over the guests. "The doctor just told me I'm not allergic to anything, except birds."
4. Try to open a beer bottle with a chainsaw.
5. Demand that the DJ play Christmas carols (This rule does not apply if it is Christmas time)
6. Pour salt in the punch bowl.
7. See if you can eat all the food.
8. If the host is male, convince him to sing Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend" into a microphone.
9. Every time someone finishes talking, tell them "It is better to let people think you're stupid than to open your mouth and prove it."
10. Burst into the room fashionably late, soaking wet, and say "I've done it! I've found Atlantis!"
11. Keep scratching yourself and say "Is it possible to get chicken pox twice?"

Warning: You may never get invited to another party again.
Disclaimer: We are not responsible for you never getting invited to another party again. We're also not responsible for any chainsaw related deaths/injuries.

Got stuck watching a boring movie? If that's the case, here's some ways to keep yourself entertained:

1. Turn to the people beside you during the best parts and say random things like "I knew I wasn't insane!" or "I don't trust that guy."
2. See how many people you can hit with popcorn.
3. Peer into your purse and whisper-yell "Got enough air in there?" every few minutes (even more effective if you're a guy.)
4. Make predictions about what will happen next in the movie like you've already watched it before.
5. Talk to the actors and say things like "Way to go man!" or "No, don't do it! Aw....he did it."
6. Lean forward and whisper into the ear of the person in front of you "I've got my eyes on you..." or "I know what you did last summer..." Sit back and pretend nothing happened when they turn
around.
7. Bring a bottle of disinfectant with you. Whenever the actors use profanity, start spraying disinfectant everywhere. Bonus: sometime near the end of the movie, say "Oops, that wasn't disinfectant. That was my dog's foot deodorant. Sorry people who got sprayed!"
8. During the "better" parts of the movie, look at the screen with binoculars.
9. Wear 5 layers of hats on (works best with top-hats). Take off one layer each time the person behind you complains.
10. Sit beside someone who's by themself and rehearse pick-up lines.
11. Turn to the person beside you and say loudly "Sorry, I just realized I wore your underwear by mistake today. Should I take them off?"
12. During an exciting part (or the least boring part), reach into someone else's popcorn bag without looking and start eating their food. 
13. During a sad scene, jump up and point at the person beside you and yell "OMG! You just farted! Don't even try to deny it! I can smell it from here!"
14. Smuggle (legal) objects or food into your jacket. During the movie, unzip your jacket and ask the person beside you "Hey dude. Wanna buy something?"
15. Turn to the person beside you and say "Hey! Guess what?" When they say "What?", say "Shut up. I'm trying to watch a movie. Geez, people these days..."
16. When there's a kissing scene, elbow the person beside you and say "Should we kiss too?"
17. Get rid of your garbage or food wrappers by giving it to the person beside you and saying "Pass it on."

Warning: If you do this, you may get kicked out, banned or worse...

Need a place to hide secret objects? Why not place them inside a hollowed out book? It's so
obvious, no one will suspect it. Here's how to get started:

1. Obtain a hardcover book large enough to fit your objects. I repeat: hardcover.
2. Measure a border around the edges of the first page. Draw this border with a pencil.
3. Use a razor to cut out along the pencil lines drawn.
4. Remove the part of the page that you have cut out.
5. Continue step 3 and 4 for all the pages within the book.
6. Use a brush to brush liquid glue along the edges of the pages to stick them together (wood glue also works well).
7. Leave the book in a cool open area to dry. Place weight on the book to hold
pages together. It may take one day, depending on the glue.
8. Enjoy storing your objects inside the hollowed out book!

Warning: Make sure you do not get glue on the book's front cover or accidentally glue the
cover to the pages.

Ever had guests over and discovered there were no refreshments available (except for some moldy lemons in the back of your fridge you forgot about)? No worries, this special lemonade recipe will solve the problem (and get rid of those lemons)!
Warning: I do not recommend you serve moldy lemons.
Tip: I suggest you serve fresh lemons.

1. Squeeze the juice out of one lemon into a cup ( or any type of water container of your choice. In this case, a bathtub does not count as a water container).
2. Add half a glass of water.
3. Add 1/4 cup of Sprite soda.
4. Add freshly cut slices of strawberries (frozen strawberries work best).
5. Add desired amount of ice.
6. Stir and serve.