Random jokes from random people (and the internet):
Warning: Slightly dirty joke
A wealthy business man goes to a casino in Las Vegas. He loses all his money. He come out of the casino and waves over a taxi driver. He says to the taxi driver "I'll write you a cheque when I get back to my hotel." "No way" the taxi driver says. "Get out of my car."
2 years later, the business man come back to Las Vegas. He wins the jackpot. As he exits the casino, he sees a long line of taxis. At the end of the line, he recognizes the rude driver from 2 years ago that refused to give him a ride. The man goes up to the first taxi in line and asks the driver "Hey, will you drive me to the airport and give me a blowjob on the way?" The driver says "No, you maniac!" The business man continues to ask this question to all the taxi drivers in line. All the drivers refuse. Finally, he makes it to the end of the line to the rude driver. He asks him "Hey, how much for a ride to the airport?" The taxi driver does not recognize the man from 2 years ago and says "$15." "Ok" agrees the business man. As they pass the line of taxis, the man sticks his hand out the window and gives them all a big thumbs up.
A wealthy business man goes to a casino in Las Vegas. He loses all his money. He come out of the casino and waves over a taxi driver. He says to the taxi driver "I'll write you a cheque when I get back to my hotel." "No way" the taxi driver says. "Get out of my car."
2 years later, the business man come back to Las Vegas. He wins the jackpot. As he exits the casino, he sees a long line of taxis. At the end of the line, he recognizes the rude driver from 2 years ago that refused to give him a ride. The man goes up to the first taxi in line and asks the driver "Hey, will you drive me to the airport and give me a blowjob on the way?" The driver says "No, you maniac!" The business man continues to ask this question to all the taxi drivers in line. All the drivers refuse. Finally, he makes it to the end of the line to the rude driver. He asks him "Hey, how much for a ride to the airport?" The taxi driver does not recognize the man from 2 years ago and says "$15." "Ok" agrees the business man. As they pass the line of taxis, the man sticks his hand out the window and gives them all a big thumbs up.
One weekend, a lawyer went hunting in the Vermont. He finds a good hunting spot near a farm. The lawyer sees a goose and shoots it. The goose falls on the other side of the farm fence. The lawyer climbs the fence and sees a farmer. The farmer says "That's my bird now." The lawyer replies "No, I shot this bird. It's mine." The farmer tells him "But it landed on MY property." The lawyer says "Look, I'm a lawyer. I can sue you." The farmer replies "No, that's not how we do things here in Vermont. We use the 3 kick rule." Curious, the lawyers asks him "What's the 3 kick rule?" The farmers says "I kick YOU 3 times as hard as I can. Then you kick ME 3 times as hard as you can. We repeat until one of us gives up." The lawyer agrees. The farmer says "I go first." He kicks the lawyer as hard as he can in the groin. As he's bent over in pain, the farmer kicks him right in the face. Just as the lawyer's thinking how stupid this idea was, the farmer kicks in him in the stomach. After the lawyer gets over the pain, he yells "Ok. Now it's MY turn!" The farmer quickly replies "No. I give up. You can have the goose."
A tough looking biker enters a biker bar. Later in the night, he decides to leave. He steps through the front door of the bar realizes that his bike is missing. He walks back into the bar and says "Alright. I'm going to have 3 more drinks. If my bike isn't back on the parking lot by the time I'm done, what happened in Detroit will happen here too." Many of the bikers ran out. Within moments, one of them runs back in and tells the biker his motorcyle is now parked up front. As the biker starts to leave, the bartender stopped him "Excuse me sir, but what happened in Detroit?" The biker replied "I had to walk back to my hotel!"
Warning: Extremely dirty joke
Bob goes to the public restroom and sees a guy standing next to the urinals with no arms. As Bob's doing his "business", he wonders how the poor guy is going to go. When Bob's finished, he starts to leave. The guy turns and asks Bob to help him out. Not knowing how to refuse, Bob says "Ok." The guy asks "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says "Ok." Then the guy says "Can you take it out for me?" Bob says "Uh...ok." Bob sees that it's full of bumps, hair clumps, rashes, moles and scabs. The guy asks Bob to point it for him. Figuring he's already gotten this far, Bob points it for him. When the guy is finished, he asks Bob to put it back for him and zip it up. Bob does this. Then the guy says "Thanks man, I really appreciate it." Bob says "No problem...but what the hell is wrong with it? It looks disgusting." The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt hole and says "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
Bob goes to the public restroom and sees a guy standing next to the urinals with no arms. As Bob's doing his "business", he wonders how the poor guy is going to go. When Bob's finished, he starts to leave. The guy turns and asks Bob to help him out. Not knowing how to refuse, Bob says "Ok." The guy asks "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says "Ok." Then the guy says "Can you take it out for me?" Bob says "Uh...ok." Bob sees that it's full of bumps, hair clumps, rashes, moles and scabs. The guy asks Bob to point it for him. Figuring he's already gotten this far, Bob points it for him. When the guy is finished, he asks Bob to put it back for him and zip it up. Bob does this. Then the guy says "Thanks man, I really appreciate it." Bob says "No problem...but what the hell is wrong with it? It looks disgusting." The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt hole and says "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
A professor on an airplane wanted to test the theory if blondes were actually dumb. He sat beside a blonde woman and asked her "Want to play a game? I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll give you $5. But if you answer incorrectly, you give me $5." The blonde said no. The man continued "Ok, how about I give you $10 for every question you answer right? If I answer right, you only have to give me $5?" Irritated, the blonde said no. The man continued "How about $50 for every correct answer? And you only have to give me $5?" The blonde finally gave in. The man asked her "What's the distance between the sun and the earth?" The blonde handed him $5. Then she asked him "What goes up a mountain with 3 legs but only comes down with 4?" The man pulls out his laptop and searches for the answer for half an hour. Finally, he gives up and hands her $50. Frustrated, he asks her "What DOES go up the mountain with 3 legs and comes down with 4?" The blonde shrugs and hands him $5.
A CEO throws a party to show off his mansion. The CEO takes his executives on a tour of the yard. The CEO has the biggest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. However, it is filled with hungry alligators today. The CEO says "I think a person's ability to become successful is measured by their courage. That's how I became CEO. So, if anyone has enough courage to dive into this pool and swim to the other side, I'll give that person anything they desire: my money, my mansion, my car, my wife, my private jet, but not my dog." Everyone laughs and and turns around to follow the CEO back into the mansion again. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash behind them. Everyone turns around to see the CFO in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges alligators left and right and makes it to the other side in seconds. The CEO, shocked, says "I was only kidding! But that was amazing! Anything I own is yours, tells me what I can do for you." The CFO, equally rich as the CEO, says "You can tell me who pushed me into the pool!"
One day a guy dies and goes to Hell. As he's wandering around in despair, a demon approaches him.
Demon: "Why so glum, chum?"
Guy: "What do you think?! I'm in Hell!"
Demon: "It's not so bad. We have fun down here...Do you drink?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Then you're going to love Mondays. That's all we do on Mondays; whiskey, tequila, wine...drink till we throw up then drink some more."
Guy: "That sounds great."
Demon: "Do you smoke?"
Guy: "Of course. I love smoking!"
Demon: "You'll LOVE Tuesdays then. We get the finest cigars from all over the world. Cancer's not a problem because you're already dead."
Guy: "That's awesome."
Demon: "Do you gamble?"
Guy: "Sometimes."
Demon: "Then you'll enjoy Wednesdays, you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Texas Hold'em, Slots, anything you want. If you go bankrupt, who cares?! You're already dead."
Guy: "That sounds like fun."
Demon: "Do you do drugs?"
Guy: "Occasionally. But you don't mean...?"
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack the size of a water tank. It doesn't matter if you overdose since you're already dead."
Guy: "Interesting. Never thought Hell would be like this."
Demon: "Are you gay?"
Guy: "...No."
Demon: "Oooh, then you're really going to hate Fridays."
Demon: "Why so glum, chum?"
Guy: "What do you think?! I'm in Hell!"
Demon: "It's not so bad. We have fun down here...Do you drink?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Then you're going to love Mondays. That's all we do on Mondays; whiskey, tequila, wine...drink till we throw up then drink some more."
Guy: "That sounds great."
Demon: "Do you smoke?"
Guy: "Of course. I love smoking!"
Demon: "You'll LOVE Tuesdays then. We get the finest cigars from all over the world. Cancer's not a problem because you're already dead."
Guy: "That's awesome."
Demon: "Do you gamble?"
Guy: "Sometimes."
Demon: "Then you'll enjoy Wednesdays, you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Texas Hold'em, Slots, anything you want. If you go bankrupt, who cares?! You're already dead."
Guy: "That sounds like fun."
Demon: "Do you do drugs?"
Guy: "Occasionally. But you don't mean...?"
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack the size of a water tank. It doesn't matter if you overdose since you're already dead."
Guy: "Interesting. Never thought Hell would be like this."
Demon: "Are you gay?"
Guy: "...No."
Demon: "Oooh, then you're really going to hate Fridays."
An engineer dies and goes to the pearly gates. St.Peter checks his life story and says "Ah, you're an engineer. You're in the wrong place." He sends him to Hell. The engineer is dissatisfied with the comfort level in Hell and decides to make some changes. One day God calls Satan on the phone and says "So, how's it going down there?" Satan replies "Things are great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators, there's not telling what this engineer is going to come up with next!" God replies "What?! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten sent down there. Send him back up." Satan says "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him." God tells Satan "Send him back or I'll sue." Satan laughs and says "And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
On the first day of university, the principal tells the student's some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out of bounds after midnight for all male students, so is the male dormitory to female students. Anybody caught breaking the rule the first time will be fined $20. Anybody caught breaking the rule a second time will be fined $40. A third time will cost $80 and the fines will keep increasing according to this pattern. Any questions?" A male student asked the principal "How much for a season pass?"
A rich couple decided to go out for the evening. The wife decided to give her butler the night off. At the party, she got bored of her husband's ranting and went home early. As she walked into her house, she saw the Butler Jerves sitting by himself on her couch. She told him to follow her into the master bedroom. She closed the door and said "Jerves, take off my dress." He took off her dress very carefully. "Jerves, take off my stockings." He took off her stockings quickly. "Jerves, remove my bra and panties." He silently obeyed. "Jerves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
Warning: Dirty Joke
A group of women went to a Ladies club. One of the girls wanted to impress her friends, so she pulled out $10, licked it, and stuck it to the male dancer's butt cheek. Another girl pulled out a $20 bill, licked it, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. To impress the rest, a third girl pulled out $50, licked it, and stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. Seeing the way things were going, the guy walks over to the fourth girl, trying to see if she could top the $50. The fourth girl opened her wallet, pulled out an ATM card, swiped it across the ass crack, grabbed the $80 and ran out.
A group of women went to a Ladies club. One of the girls wanted to impress her friends, so she pulled out $10, licked it, and stuck it to the male dancer's butt cheek. Another girl pulled out a $20 bill, licked it, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. To impress the rest, a third girl pulled out $50, licked it, and stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. Seeing the way things were going, the guy walks over to the fourth girl, trying to see if she could top the $50. The fourth girl opened her wallet, pulled out an ATM card, swiped it across the ass crack, grabbed the $80 and ran out.
A 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said "What are you seeing the doctor for today?" The old man replied "There's something wrong with my dick." The receptionist, annoyed, replied "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and something like that!" "Why not?" he asked. The receptionist answered "You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there's something wrong with your ear, and wait to explain it to the doctor in private." The old man told her "Well, you shouldn't ask people questions if the answer's going to cause embarrassment." The man walked out, and re-entered the room. The receptionist, smiled smugly and asked "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear" the man replied. "What's wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it."
A medieval socerer was captured by a king. The king forces him to predict the future. The sorcerer tells the king about a prophecy that his queen will soon die. Three days later, the queen died. The king was outraged, blaming the sorcerer's prophecy containing a curse. He summoned the sorcerer and told him "Tell me when you will die!" The sorcerer realized the king was about to kill him so he said "I do not know the exact date. All I know is that when I die, the king will die 3 days later."
A female student comes to her professor's office after hours. She tells him "I would do anything to pass your exam." She leans closer to him and gazes into his eyes, and whispers "I mean...anything." He returns her gaze and says "Anything?" She replies "Anything" His voice softens and he whispers "*Anything?*" She answers "*Anything*" He leans in closer and says "Would you...study?"
A man in prison receives a letter from his wife. The letter says "Dear husband, I want to plant some carrots in the garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The man, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied "Dear wife, wait until I am out of jail. Meanwhile, please do not touch the garden. I hid all the treasure there." A week later, the man receives another letter from his wife. It said "Dear husband, you won't believe what happened! Some men came to the house and dug up my garden for me!" The man writes a letter back "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the carrots."
Warning: Dirty joke
Dear sister,
I've been engaged to my girlfriend for a whole year now. But my fiancee's mother is attractive, understanding, and talented. Yesterday, she invited me over to discuss the wedding plans while my fiancee was busy. When I arrived, she told me I would soon be a married man and she wanted to have s*x with me before. She walked into her bedroom and told me to follow her if I agreed. I stood there for 10 seconds, and then turned around and walked out of the house. Leaning against my car, was her husband. He was smiling and explained that they just wanted to make sure I would be loyal to their daughter. He congratulated me on passing the test. I don't know what to do. Should I tell my fiancee about this test? Or should I just keep it to myself, including the fact that I only walked outside to get a condom from my car? Yours truly, your brother.
Dear sister,
I've been engaged to my girlfriend for a whole year now. But my fiancee's mother is attractive, understanding, and talented. Yesterday, she invited me over to discuss the wedding plans while my fiancee was busy. When I arrived, she told me I would soon be a married man and she wanted to have s*x with me before. She walked into her bedroom and told me to follow her if I agreed. I stood there for 10 seconds, and then turned around and walked out of the house. Leaning against my car, was her husband. He was smiling and explained that they just wanted to make sure I would be loyal to their daughter. He congratulated me on passing the test. I don't know what to do. Should I tell my fiancee about this test? Or should I just keep it to myself, including the fact that I only walked outside to get a condom from my car? Yours truly, your brother.
Warning: Extremely dirty joke.
2 robbers sneaked into a bank. They were confused upon finding hundreds of small safes throughout the bank. Inside the first safe, they found white pudding. The robber said "At least we'll have something to eat." The robbers opened all the safes and every one of them contained pudding. Disappointed, the robbers left agreeing that the pudding tastes expired. The next day, the newspaper headline read "Ireland's largest sperm bank robbed last night."
2 robbers sneaked into a bank. They were confused upon finding hundreds of small safes throughout the bank. Inside the first safe, they found white pudding. The robber said "At least we'll have something to eat." The robbers opened all the safes and every one of them contained pudding. Disappointed, the robbers left agreeing that the pudding tastes expired. The next day, the newspaper headline read "Ireland's largest sperm bank robbed last night."
A woman asked her son about his school field trip. "It was great! We saw sheep, horses, goats, and f*ckers!" The mother asked "What are f*ckers?" The boy answered "The black and white animals that give us milk." The mother replied "Those are cows. Who said they were called f*ckers?" The son explained "The teacher. Actually, she called them effers, but we all knew what she meant."
Word Perfect Help Line True Story:
A: "Hello?"
B: "HP computer assistant. How may I help you?"
A: "I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
B: "What sort of trouble?"
A: "I was just typing on my computer when all of a sudden, the words went away."
B: "Went away?"
A: "They disappeared."
B: "What does your computer screen look like?"
A: "Nothing."
B: "Nothing?"
A: "It's all blank. It won't accept anything I type."
B: "...Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you close it?"
A: "How do I tell?"
B: "Can you see the C-prompt on the screen?"
A: "Sea prompt? What's a sea prompt?"
B: "Nevermind. Can you move the cursor around the screen?"
A: "There isn't a cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
B: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
A: "What's a monitor?"
B: "It's the thing that has a screen and looks like a TV. Does it have a little green light that's on?"
A: "I don't know."
B: "Well, then look at the back of the screen and find where the power cord goes into it. Follow the cord for me and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
A: "Yes, it is."
B: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice all the cables plugged into the wall? Not just one?"
A: "No."
B: "...Well, there are. I need you to look again and find the other cable. Follow it and tell me if it's plugged securely into back of your computer."
A: "I can't reach."
B: "Can't reach? Well, can you see if it is?"
A: "I can't see."
B: "Even if you lean way over?"
A: "It's not because I can't see, it's because the room is dark."
B: "Dark?"
A: "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is from the window."
B: "Well, why don't you turn on the light then?"
A: "I can't."
B: "Why not?"
A: "Because there's a power outage."
B: "A-a power...a power outage? Ok, I've figured out the problem. Do you still have the boxes and packaging stuff your computer came in?"
A: "Yes. It's in the closet."
B: "Good. Go get them, unplug everything, and pack it up just like when you got it. Take it back to the store."
A: "Is it that bad?"
B: "Yes. I'm afraid it is."
A: "Ok. But what do I tell them?"
B: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
A: "Hello?"
B: "HP computer assistant. How may I help you?"
A: "I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
B: "What sort of trouble?"
A: "I was just typing on my computer when all of a sudden, the words went away."
B: "Went away?"
A: "They disappeared."
B: "What does your computer screen look like?"
A: "Nothing."
B: "Nothing?"
A: "It's all blank. It won't accept anything I type."
B: "...Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you close it?"
A: "How do I tell?"
B: "Can you see the C-prompt on the screen?"
A: "Sea prompt? What's a sea prompt?"
B: "Nevermind. Can you move the cursor around the screen?"
A: "There isn't a cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
B: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
A: "What's a monitor?"
B: "It's the thing that has a screen and looks like a TV. Does it have a little green light that's on?"
A: "I don't know."
B: "Well, then look at the back of the screen and find where the power cord goes into it. Follow the cord for me and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
A: "Yes, it is."
B: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice all the cables plugged into the wall? Not just one?"
A: "No."
B: "...Well, there are. I need you to look again and find the other cable. Follow it and tell me if it's plugged securely into back of your computer."
A: "I can't reach."
B: "Can't reach? Well, can you see if it is?"
A: "I can't see."
B: "Even if you lean way over?"
A: "It's not because I can't see, it's because the room is dark."
B: "Dark?"
A: "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is from the window."
B: "Well, why don't you turn on the light then?"
A: "I can't."
B: "Why not?"
A: "Because there's a power outage."
B: "A-a power...a power outage? Ok, I've figured out the problem. Do you still have the boxes and packaging stuff your computer came in?"
A: "Yes. It's in the closet."
B: "Good. Go get them, unplug everything, and pack it up just like when you got it. Take it back to the store."
A: "Is it that bad?"
B: "Yes. I'm afraid it is."
A: "Ok. But what do I tell them?"
B: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Tech Support: "Ok, John. Press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter P to bring up the Program Manager."
John: "I don't have a P."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, John"
John: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, John."
John: "I'm not going to do that!"
John: "I don't have a P."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, John"
John: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, John."
John: "I'm not going to do that!"
A Diver's Letter to His Sister:
Dear sister,
Just another letter from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I heard you had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you feel better.
Before I tell you, I must first bore you with my job description. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the ocean. I wear a suit to the office. A wetsuit. But this time of year, the water's very cold. We have a diesel powered industrial water heather. This $20 000 piece of sh*t sucks the water out of the sea. It heats the temperature before pumping it down to the diver through a garden-house thing which is taped to the air hose. I've used it several times without any problems. When I get to the bottom and start working, I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods the suit with warm water, like a jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden my ass started to itch. I scratched it. This makes it worse, my ass soon started to burn. I pulled the house out of my wetsuit and realized the hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I actually grinded the jellyfish into my ass crack.
I informed the dive supervisor of my problem over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due everyone laughing. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was inscructed to make 3 water decompression stops which lasted 40 minutes before I reached the surface. I had to go to the chamber dry decompression and I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. The medic, with tears of laughter, gave me a tube of cream. I had to rub it on my ass. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't sh*t for 2 days because my assh*le was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.
Tight lines and calm seas, your brother.
Dear sister,
Just another letter from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I heard you had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you feel better.
Before I tell you, I must first bore you with my job description. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the ocean. I wear a suit to the office. A wetsuit. But this time of year, the water's very cold. We have a diesel powered industrial water heather. This $20 000 piece of sh*t sucks the water out of the sea. It heats the temperature before pumping it down to the diver through a garden-house thing which is taped to the air hose. I've used it several times without any problems. When I get to the bottom and start working, I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods the suit with warm water, like a jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden my ass started to itch. I scratched it. This makes it worse, my ass soon started to burn. I pulled the house out of my wetsuit and realized the hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I actually grinded the jellyfish into my ass crack.
I informed the dive supervisor of my problem over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due everyone laughing. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was inscructed to make 3 water decompression stops which lasted 40 minutes before I reached the surface. I had to go to the chamber dry decompression and I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. The medic, with tears of laughter, gave me a tube of cream. I had to rub it on my ass. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't sh*t for 2 days because my assh*le was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.
Tight lines and calm seas, your brother.
Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds. “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds. “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”
Imagine you worked in a computer mouse-manufacturing company:
Notice :
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement should only be attempted by properly trained professions. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. it is recommended each replacer have a spare pair of balls of maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his/her balls should contact local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Notice :
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement should only be attempted by properly trained professions. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. it is recommended each replacer have a spare pair of balls of maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his/her balls should contact local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Warning: Dirty Joke
A police officer arrested a guy who claimed his name was "Tommy F*ckbreak." The officer called the station and asked "Do you have a F*ckbreak over there?" The phone operator said "Hell no, we dont' even get a coffee break!"
A police officer arrested a guy who claimed his name was "Tommy F*ckbreak." The officer called the station and asked "Do you have a F*ckbreak over there?" The phone operator said "Hell no, we dont' even get a coffee break!"
A middle school had a very strange problem. The girls washroom mirrors were always full of lipstick marks because after applying lipstick, they would press their lips against the mirror to get rid of the excess. The principal decided to call all the girls to the bathroom. She explained that the custodians have a hard time cleaning the mirrors daily. She asked the custodian to demonstrate how difficult it was. The custodian dipped her sponge into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror with it. It took her 10 minutes. Since then, there have been no more lipstick marks.
A man on a business trip outside the country sent his wife a telegram "I wish you were here." The message received by wife: "I wish you were her."
An airplane flight was cancelled due to bad weather. A female agent was helping the inconvenienced passengers book another flight. An angry passenger pushed his way to the front of the line and yelled "I HAVE to be on this flight. And it HAS to be FIRST CLASS!" The agent told him to please wait in line. The man yelled "Do you have ANY idea who I am?!" The agent grabbed the public address microphone and made an announcement "May I have your attention please? We have a passenger here at gate 34 who DOES NOT know who he is. If you can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." The people in line laughed at him, and the man glared at the agent. "F*ck you!" The agent smiled at him and said "Sorry sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too!"
Warning: Dirty Joke
A husband and wife decided that they should start saving some money. The husband said "I'll put $5 in this jar every time we make love." The wife agreed. By the end of the year, the husband opened the jar and was surprised. He asked his wife "Why are there $10 and $50 bills in the jar?" The wife replied "Do you think the others are as cheap as you are?"
A husband and wife decided that they should start saving some money. The husband said "I'll put $5 in this jar every time we make love." The wife agreed. By the end of the year, the husband opened the jar and was surprised. He asked his wife "Why are there $10 and $50 bills in the jar?" The wife replied "Do you think the others are as cheap as you are?"
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist "I'd like to buy some cyanide. I need to poison my husband." The pharmacist replied "I can't give you cyanide to kill someone! That's against the law! We'll both go to jail!" The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said "Alright, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A wife sees the garbage truck pulling out from her home. Picking up the bag of garbage, she runs out of the house yelling "Oh no! Am I too late for the trash?" The neighbor yells "No! Jump in!"
A husband and wife were having an argument during a car ride. The husband looked out the window and sees a pig farm. He turns to his wife and asked "Relatives of yours?" The wife said "Yep. In-laws."
A wife came home to find the following letter from her husband:
Dear Wife,
I am writing to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good husband for 7 years but these last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called me to say you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week you came home and didn't even notice my new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went to sleep after watching your soap operas. You don't tell me you love me anymore and you don't want sex. Either you're cheating on me, or you don't love me anymore. Either way, I'm gone. Your EX husband.
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving to Florida together. Have a great life!
A few days later, the husband found a letter from his wife:
Dear EX husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. I know we've been married for 7 years, but a good man is a far cry from what you have been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant complaining. I DID notice you got a haircut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look hideous." My mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice. I didn't comment when you cooked my favorite meal because you must've gotten me mixed up with my sister. I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers, I went to bed early because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I prayed it was just a coincidence my sister borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lottery for 50 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us tickets to Hawaii. When I got home, you were already gone....I guess everything happens for a reason. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
P.S. My lawyer says the letter you wrote guarantees you won't get a dime from me, so take care. Your EX wife, rich as hell.
Dear Wife,
I am writing to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good husband for 7 years but these last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called me to say you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week you came home and didn't even notice my new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went to sleep after watching your soap operas. You don't tell me you love me anymore and you don't want sex. Either you're cheating on me, or you don't love me anymore. Either way, I'm gone. Your EX husband.
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving to Florida together. Have a great life!
A few days later, the husband found a letter from his wife:
Dear EX husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. I know we've been married for 7 years, but a good man is a far cry from what you have been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant complaining. I DID notice you got a haircut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look hideous." My mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice. I didn't comment when you cooked my favorite meal because you must've gotten me mixed up with my sister. I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers, I went to bed early because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I prayed it was just a coincidence my sister borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lottery for 50 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us tickets to Hawaii. When I got home, you were already gone....I guess everything happens for a reason. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
P.S. My lawyer says the letter you wrote guarantees you won't get a dime from me, so take care. Your EX wife, rich as hell.
A husband and wife went for couple counselling. The wife went into a tirade about everything wrong with their marriage. She complained about loneliness and feeling unloved. She went on and on and on...Finally, the therapist got up and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The therapist turned to the husband and said "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" The husband replied "Alright. I can drop her off here Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I got fishing..."
A woman came rushing home in her car and ran into the house. She slammed the door and yelled to her husband "Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery!" The husband yelled back "Oh my god! Should I pack the winter stuff or the beach stuff?" "Doesn't matter. Just get out."
A man arrives home from the hospital where he was visiting his wife's mother. His wife asks him "How's my mom?" The husband replied "She's great. The doctor says she's going to live for a long time and they're releasing her from the hospital tomorrow. She's going to live with us forever." The wife was stunned and asked "How is this possible? She was unconscious yesterday!" The husband replied "Well, today, the doctors told me that I should prepare myself for the worst..."
A man and his wife were on vacation in Jerusalem. During their stay, the wife died. The funeral director told the husband he could send her body back to her country of origin for 5000€ or bury it in Jerusalem for only 1000€. The man said he wanted to send her body back to their country. The funeral director asked "Why not bury it here, over a holy city? It is also a cheaper price." The man explained "2000 years ago, a man buried here was resurrected. I don't want to take that risk myself."
An old woman answered the door to see a young salesman. "Good morning. If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the latest high-powered vacuum cleaner" he said.
"Go away!"
"Not until you've seen my demonstration!" The salesman emptied a bucket of cow manure (cow poop) onto her carpet. "If this vacuum doesn't remove all traces of this manure from your carpet, I will personally eat the rest" he said.
"Well, I hope you have a good appetite because my power just went out this morning."
"Go away!"
"Not until you've seen my demonstration!" The salesman emptied a bucket of cow manure (cow poop) onto her carpet. "If this vacuum doesn't remove all traces of this manure from your carpet, I will personally eat the rest" he said.
"Well, I hope you have a good appetite because my power just went out this morning."
A man was dying and gave his last request to his young wife. "When I'm dead, put all my money in a box and bury it with me." Soon, the man died. At the funeral, his wife slipped a piece of paper into his coffin. "What's that?" asked the priest. "Oh, I wrote him a check."
Warning: Dirty Joke
One day in class, a teacher brought a bag of fruits. "Class, I am going to reach into the bag and describe a fruit. You tell me what fruit I'm talking about. Ok, the first fruit I am holding is round, plump and red."
John raised his hand but the teacher wisely ignored him and chose Debby. "An apple" Debby said. "Nope. It's a beet, but I like your thinking."
The teacher reached into the bag again and said "The second one is soft, fuzzy, reddish and brown." John raised his hand again but the teacher ignored him and picked Bob. "A peach" answered Bob. "Nope. It's a potato. But I like your thinking."
The teacher reached into the bag once again and said "The third one is long, yellow, and fairly hard." John raised his hand to get the teacher's attention, but she ignored him and picked Max. "A banana" he answered. "Nope. It's a squash, but I like your thinking."
By now, John was annoyed at the teacher for not picking him so he speaks up. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher. Let me put my hand in my pocket. Ok, I've got it! It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." The teacher yells "John! That's disgusting!" "Nope," John answers. "It's a quarter, but I like your thinking."
One day in class, a teacher brought a bag of fruits. "Class, I am going to reach into the bag and describe a fruit. You tell me what fruit I'm talking about. Ok, the first fruit I am holding is round, plump and red."
John raised his hand but the teacher wisely ignored him and chose Debby. "An apple" Debby said. "Nope. It's a beet, but I like your thinking."
The teacher reached into the bag again and said "The second one is soft, fuzzy, reddish and brown." John raised his hand again but the teacher ignored him and picked Bob. "A peach" answered Bob. "Nope. It's a potato. But I like your thinking."
The teacher reached into the bag once again and said "The third one is long, yellow, and fairly hard." John raised his hand to get the teacher's attention, but she ignored him and picked Max. "A banana" he answered. "Nope. It's a squash, but I like your thinking."
By now, John was annoyed at the teacher for not picking him so he speaks up. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher. Let me put my hand in my pocket. Ok, I've got it! It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." The teacher yells "John! That's disgusting!" "Nope," John answers. "It's a quarter, but I like your thinking."
3 morons were walking through the woods when they came across some tracks. The first moron said "These look like deer
tracks." The second moron said "No, they look like moose tracks." The third moron said "Actually, I think they look like - !"
...he never got to finish because just then, the train hit them.
tracks." The second moron said "No, they look like moose tracks." The third moron said "Actually, I think they look like - !"
...he never got to finish because just then, the train hit them.
One day it got too crowded in heaven. It was decided that they would only accept people who had a really bad day on the day they died.
St.Peter was standing at the pearly entrance gates when he saw the first man arrive. "Tell me about the day you died" he said. The man said "Oh, it was awful! I was suspicious that my wife was having an affair so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him. Just when I was out on the balcony for some fresh air...I found him! There was a man hanging over the edge of the balcony by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got my refridgerator and pushed it over the edge and it crushed him. But I got a heart attack from the effort and died." St.Peter couldn't deny that this was a bad day. Since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. A few minutes later, a second man arrived. St.Peter asked him about his day.
"Well, sir, it was awful. I was on the balcony of my apartment doing aerobics exercise when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab onto the edge of the balcony of the apartment below. Then, some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Fortunately, I landed in some bushes. But then the guy dropped a refridgerator on me! So here I am." St.Peter let him into heaven.
A few minutes later, a third man arrived. "Tell me about the day you died" said St.Peter. "Ok, picture this: I'm butt naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."
St.Peter was standing at the pearly entrance gates when he saw the first man arrive. "Tell me about the day you died" he said. The man said "Oh, it was awful! I was suspicious that my wife was having an affair so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him. Just when I was out on the balcony for some fresh air...I found him! There was a man hanging over the edge of the balcony by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got my refridgerator and pushed it over the edge and it crushed him. But I got a heart attack from the effort and died." St.Peter couldn't deny that this was a bad day. Since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. A few minutes later, a second man arrived. St.Peter asked him about his day.
"Well, sir, it was awful. I was on the balcony of my apartment doing aerobics exercise when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab onto the edge of the balcony of the apartment below. Then, some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Fortunately, I landed in some bushes. But then the guy dropped a refridgerator on me! So here I am." St.Peter let him into heaven.
A few minutes later, a third man arrived. "Tell me about the day you died" said St.Peter. "Ok, picture this: I'm butt naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."
A professor teaching medicine was giving his class an "observation" lesson. He took out a jar of yellow liquid and explained "This is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste." Then, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched him in amazement and/or disgust. The professor passed the jar around and told his students to do the same. Not wanting to fail, each student dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths. The professor examined each student with the same disapproving look. After the last student was done, the professor shook his head and exclaimed "If any of you had been observant, you would've noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."
A man and his wife were having a fight and giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man had a very important business meeting and realized he needed his wife to wake him up at 5 am. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he left a note on her bedside table that said "Wake me up at 5 am tomorrow."
The next morning, the man woke up at 9 am and discovered he missed his airplane flight. Furious, he jumped out of bed to see why his wife didn't wake him up. He discovered a note on his bedside table that said "It's 5 am. Wake up."
The next morning, the man woke up at 9 am and discovered he missed his airplane flight. Furious, he jumped out of bed to see why his wife didn't wake him up. He discovered a note on his bedside table that said "It's 5 am. Wake up."
Why do morons like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.
They think someone is taking their picture.
I have 8 eyes, 8 legs, no eyebrows, and my hair stands up. What am I?
Very ugly.
Very ugly.
On his 3rd anniversary, Bob's friends, who were still bachelors, asked him about the benefits of marriage. "Tell us what you've learned after spending these 3 years with your wonderful wife?" Bob responds "I've learned about loyalty, self-control, patience, forgiveness, and a bunch of other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you stayed single."
The children of Israel wandered the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
4 Things Women Should Know: (just for entertainment purposes only. No offence intended.)
1. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if a crappy boyfriend walks out on you? Shut the door.
3. Go for younger men if you want; they never mature anyway.
4. Women don't make fools of men; most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
1. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if a crappy boyfriend walks out on you? Shut the door.
3. Go for younger men if you want; they never mature anyway.
4. Women don't make fools of men; most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
A pregnant woman with twins got into a car accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on a business trip and couldn't be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins. The only person around to name her children was her brother. When the mother awoke and found out her brother named her children, she got worried because he wasn't the smartest guy around. She was sure he'd name them something stupid. When her brother came to visit, she asked him about the children.
"The first one was a girl" he said.
"What did you name her?"
"Denise" he replied.
"Oh. That's not bad! What about the second one?"
"De nephew."
"The first one was a girl" he said.
"What did you name her?"
"Denise" he replied.
"Oh. That's not bad! What about the second one?"
"De nephew."
Meaning of Potentially and Realistically:
A boy went up to his father and asked him what is the difference between potentially and realistically? The father told the boy to go ask his mother, sister, and brother if they would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. The boy went up to his mother and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother said "Of course. We could use that money to fix the house and send you to college!" The boy went to his sister and asked her "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" His sister replied "Of course! I love Brad Pitt!" The boy then went up to his brother and asked him "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" His brother said "Of course. Do you know how much stuff I could buy with a million dollars?" The boy thought about these 3 answers and went back to his father. His father asked him "So what happened? Did you learn the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy said "Yes. Potentially, we have 3 million dollars. But realistically, we're living with 2 hookers and a future congressman."
A boy went up to his father and asked him what is the difference between potentially and realistically? The father told the boy to go ask his mother, sister, and brother if they would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. The boy went up to his mother and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother said "Of course. We could use that money to fix the house and send you to college!" The boy went to his sister and asked her "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" His sister replied "Of course! I love Brad Pitt!" The boy then went up to his brother and asked him "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" His brother said "Of course. Do you know how much stuff I could buy with a million dollars?" The boy thought about these 3 answers and went back to his father. His father asked him "So what happened? Did you learn the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy said "Yes. Potentially, we have 3 million dollars. But realistically, we're living with 2 hookers and a future congressman."
Warning: Dirty Joke
The National Science Lovers Association found the following results on American Male's recreational preferences:
1. The preferred sport of unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball.
2. The preferred sport of maintenance employees is bowling.
3. The preferred sport of blue-collar workers is football.
4. The preferred sport of supervisors is baseball.
5. The preferred sport of corporate officers is golf.
Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate ladder, the smaller your balls become.
The National Science Lovers Association found the following results on American Male's recreational preferences:
1. The preferred sport of unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball.
2. The preferred sport of maintenance employees is bowling.
3. The preferred sport of blue-collar workers is football.
4. The preferred sport of supervisors is baseball.
5. The preferred sport of corporate officers is golf.
Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate ladder, the smaller your balls become.
Ways to know you work for Corporate America:
1. You've sat at the same desk for 4 years but worked for 3 different companies.
2. You've worked for the same company for 4 years but sat at more than 10 different desks.
3. Your job description can't be summarized in less than one sentence.
4. You get excited for a 2% raise.
5. Your biggest loss from a system crash is the email you were about to send to grandma.
6. The cubicle you sit in is smaller than your closet.
7. You never see sunlight during weekdays.
8. As long as you smell fresh, you can get away with wearing the same outfit for a year without anyone noticing.
9. Calling in "sick" means you're in the hospital or your death bed.
10. You read this list and understood it.
1. You've sat at the same desk for 4 years but worked for 3 different companies.
2. You've worked for the same company for 4 years but sat at more than 10 different desks.
3. Your job description can't be summarized in less than one sentence.
4. You get excited for a 2% raise.
5. Your biggest loss from a system crash is the email you were about to send to grandma.
6. The cubicle you sit in is smaller than your closet.
7. You never see sunlight during weekdays.
8. As long as you smell fresh, you can get away with wearing the same outfit for a year without anyone noticing.
9. Calling in "sick" means you're in the hospital or your death bed.
10. You read this list and understood it.
What to say when caught sleeping at your office desk:
1. "My doctor told me this might happen."
2. "I wasn't sleeping. I was meditating on our mission statement trying to envision a new paradigm."
3. "I was testing my keyboard's drool resistance."
4. "I was doing a yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress."
5. "I get my best ideas when I'm asleep.
1. "My doctor told me this might happen."
2. "I wasn't sleeping. I was meditating on our mission statement trying to envision a new paradigm."
3. "I was testing my keyboard's drool resistance."
4. "I was doing a yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress."
5. "I get my best ideas when I'm asleep.
There were 4 kids. Their names were Shut-up, Trouble, Manners and Poop. One day, Trouble got lost so the other 3 kids went to find him. Just then, Poop fell off his bike and rolled down the hill. Manners went to help him and ordered Shut-up to find a police officer. Shut-up found one and the officer asked him
"What's your name?"
"Shut up."
The officer asked him again
"What's your name?"
"Shut up."
"Excuse me?!"
"Shut up!!!"
The officer got angry and said "Are you looking for trouble?"
"Yes! We've been looking all day!"
The officer asked "Kid, where's your manners?"
"Over the hill, picking up poop."
"What's your name?"
"Shut up."
The officer asked him again
"What's your name?"
"Shut up."
"Excuse me?!"
"Shut up!!!"
The officer got angry and said "Are you looking for trouble?"
"Yes! We've been looking all day!"
The officer asked "Kid, where's your manners?"
"Over the hill, picking up poop."
Teacher: Are you having a hard time with the questions?
Student: No, just the answers.
Student: No, just the answers.
There were 3 men who returned to their hotel after a great vacation. They found out that the hotel elevators were out of service and will have to walk up 30 flights of stairs to their rooms. While walking, they decided that for the first 10 flights, they could tell funny stories. On the second 10 flights, they could tell scary stories. And for the last 10 flights, they could tell sad stories. Half an hour later, on the last 10 flights of stairs, Bobby said "I have the saddest story to tell you." "Well, what is it?" asked Johnny. "I forgot our room keys in the car."
Now I lay me down to rest. Pray I pass tomorrow's test. If I should die before I wake, that's one less test I'll have to take.
There were 5 women on vacation. They found a hotel at the end of the day and ordered a room. The hotel manager said "This is a dating hotel. There are 6 floors. On each floor, you will find a sign that says what kind of men are on that floor." The 5 women, went to the first floor. There was a sign that said "All men on this floor are short and ugly." Hurriedly, they went up to the second floor. The sign there said "All men on this floor are tall and ugly." The women went up to the third floor. The sign there said "All the men on this floor and short but handsome." They decided to go up to the fourth floor. The sign on the fourth floor said "All the men on this floor are tall and handsome." Tempted to get off, they remembered there was still 2 more floors. They went up to the fifth floor and saw the sign there that said "All the men on this floor are supermodels." The women decided to see what was on the sixth floor so they went up. On the sixth floor, there was a sign that said "There are no men on this floor. It was built to prove that some women are impossible to please."
Dad: How was your test score?
Son: Underwater.
Dad: What?
Son: You know, below C-level.
Son: Underwater.
Dad: What?
Son: You know, below C-level.
A teacher asked his class "If anyone thinks they're stupid, stand up." After a few moments, one student stood up. The teacher asks him "Why do you think you're stupid." The student replies "I don't. I just feel bad that you're the only one standing."
Teacher: John, if your father has $10 and you asked him for 6 , how many dollars would he have left?
John: $10.
Teacher: You don't know your math.
John: You don't know my father.
Teacher: Fine. If your father has $10 and you stole 6, how many dollars would he have left?
John: None.
Teacher: You don't know your math.
John. You don't know me.
John: $10.
Teacher: You don't know your math.
John: You don't know my father.
Teacher: Fine. If your father has $10 and you stole 6, how many dollars would he have left?
John: None.
Teacher: You don't know your math.
John. You don't know me.
A: Tomorrow is father's day.
B: What are you going to give him?
A: Something better than last year.
B: What did you give him last year?
A: Chicken pox. Non refundable.
B: What are you going to give him?
A: Something better than last year.
B: What did you give him last year?
A: Chicken pox. Non refundable.
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws:
1. The one who laughs last, thinks the slowest.
2. Change is inevitable, except from the vending machine.
3. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
4. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% chance you'll probably get it wrong.
5. Things that come to those who wait....are the unwanted things left by those who got there first.
6. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. Tax is a fine for doing well.
7. When you're in court, you're putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
1. The one who laughs last, thinks the slowest.
2. Change is inevitable, except from the vending machine.
3. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
4. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% chance you'll probably get it wrong.
5. Things that come to those who wait....are the unwanted things left by those who got there first.
6. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. Tax is a fine for doing well.
7. When you're in court, you're putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
One day 5 year old Susan was complaining she had a stomach ache. Her mom said "that's because it's empty. Go eat something." Later that day, Susan heard her brother complaining he had a head ache. Susan said "that's because it's empty. If you had something in it, you'd feel better."
Girl: John says I'm pretty but Bob says I'm ugly. What do you think?
Guy: I think you're pretty ugly.
Guy: I think you're pretty ugly.
Girl: You remind me of the ocean.
Guy: You mean I'm deep, mysterious and wild?
Girl: No, you make me sick.
Guy: You mean I'm deep, mysterious and wild?
Girl: No, you make me sick.
There once was a ferocious lion who ate a large bull. He was so proud of his accomplishment, he roared and roared until someone shot him. The lesson is when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Woman: I'm a vegetarian. Does this dish have any meat in it?
Restaurant server: Yes, it is chicken salad. It has dairy.
Restaurant server: Yes, it is chicken salad. It has dairy.
Man: I want to try on that shirt in the window.
Employee: Sorry sir, but you have to use the dressing room.
Employee: Sorry sir, but you have to use the dressing room.
Irony would be if you died in the living room.
What do you get if you cross a banana peel with another banana peel?
A pair of slippers.
A pair of slippers.
"Mommy, does God use our bathroom?"
"No. Why?"
"Because every morning, dad bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'God! Are you still in there?!'"
"No. Why?"
"Because every morning, dad bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'God! Are you still in there?!'"
Phone Messages you can use:
Hello. I'm probably home. I'm just ignoring someone I don't like. I'm also trying to avoid this person. Leave me a message and if don't call back, it's you.
Hello, this is ____. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and wait by your phone until I call you back.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Although, I would prefer if you didn't. You're wasting my phone bill.
Hi, we aren't home at the moment. If you are trying to sell us something, please start speaking now and hang up at the beep. Everyone else can start speaking at the beep and hang up when you're done.
Hello, I am a answering machine. What are you?
Hello, you have reached Bob and Sarah. We can't pick up the phone right now because we are doing something we enjoy. Sarah likes doing it up and down and I like doing it left and right...really slowly. So leave a message and when we're finished brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.
Hello. I'm probably home. I'm just ignoring someone I don't like. I'm also trying to avoid this person. Leave me a message and if don't call back, it's you.
Hello, this is ____. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and wait by your phone until I call you back.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Although, I would prefer if you didn't. You're wasting my phone bill.
Hi, we aren't home at the moment. If you are trying to sell us something, please start speaking now and hang up at the beep. Everyone else can start speaking at the beep and hang up when you're done.
Hello, I am a answering machine. What are you?
Hello, you have reached Bob and Sarah. We can't pick up the phone right now because we are doing something we enjoy. Sarah likes doing it up and down and I like doing it left and right...really slowly. So leave a message and when we're finished brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the piece of gum cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken.
To get to the other side.
Why did the piece of gum cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken.
I had a dream last night that I ate a 50 pound marshmellow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone...
A guy was drowning in the ocean. Suddenly, a sailor comes by and says "Hey there! Do you need help?" The drowning guy replies back, "No, God will save me." The sailor left. Then a pirate comes by and sees the drowning man and yells "Hey! Do you want help?" The guy replies back, "No, God will save me." After the pirate left, the guy drowns and goes to heaven. In heaven, he sees God and asks him "Hey, why didn't you save me?" God says "I did! I sent 2 guys."