The phone rings at the FBI HQ. An FBI agent answered the phone:
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What's the problem?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He's hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be taken care of."
The next day, the FBI comes to Tom's house. They find the firewood in the shed and break every piece looking for the marijuana. They didn't find the drug, swore at Tom, and then left. Then, the phone rings at Tom's house. Tom answers the phone:
"Hello?"
"Hey Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop all your firewood?"
"Yeah, they did."
"Ok, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden patch plowed."
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What's the problem?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He's hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be taken care of."
The next day, the FBI comes to Tom's house. They find the firewood in the shed and break every piece looking for the marijuana. They didn't find the drug, swore at Tom, and then left. Then, the phone rings at Tom's house. Tom answers the phone:
"Hello?"
"Hey Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop all your firewood?"
"Yeah, they did."
"Ok, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden patch plowed."
Warning: Dirty joke
There were 2 twins named Joe and Bob. Joe owned an old boat. Bob borrowed his boat for a small party, but his wife and other passengers died when the boat sank. A few days later, a kind old woman saw Joe and thought he was Bob. She went up to him and said "I'm so sorry about your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe thought she was talking about his boat and replied "Actually, I'm sort of glad to get rid of her. She was rotten from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like dead fish from the beginning. She even had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Everytime I used her, the hole got bigger. I guess what finished her off was when I rented her to those 4 guys and my idiot brother for his party. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they wanted to use her anyway and were willing to pay. The morons all tried to get in her at the same time and split her right down the middle." The old woman fainted.
There were 2 twins named Joe and Bob. Joe owned an old boat. Bob borrowed his boat for a small party, but his wife and other passengers died when the boat sank. A few days later, a kind old woman saw Joe and thought he was Bob. She went up to him and said "I'm so sorry about your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe thought she was talking about his boat and replied "Actually, I'm sort of glad to get rid of her. She was rotten from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like dead fish from the beginning. She even had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Everytime I used her, the hole got bigger. I guess what finished her off was when I rented her to those 4 guys and my idiot brother for his party. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they wanted to use her anyway and were willing to pay. The morons all tried to get in her at the same time and split her right down the middle." The old woman fainted.
A blonde was flying to New York. When the stewardess came to check her ticket, she told the blonde "I'm sorry Miss. Your ticket is for economy class, not first class. Can you please move to your assigned seat?" The blond replied "I'm blonde, beautiful, and going to New York first class." The stewardess said "That's great Miss, but you have to go to your seat in economy class." The blonde repeated "I'm blonde, beautiful, and going to New York first class." The stewardess asked again but the blonde kept repeating the same thing. Frustrated, she went to the captain and told him about the blonde. The captain went up and whispered something in the blonde's ear. The blonde immediately got up and went to her assigned seat in economy class. "What did you say to her?" asked the stewardess. "I just told her that this part of the plane wasn't going to New York."
An Irish man named O'Malley went to a doctor's office. The doctor told him "You have cancer and it can't be cured. You have 2 months to live." O'Malley decided to go to the bar with his son because it was Irish tradition to celebrate, both good and bad news. At the bar, O'Malley's friends bumped into him and asked him "What are you celebrating?" O'Malley said "I've only got 2 months left to live. I've just been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave their condolences and left. His son turned to him and asked "I thought you were diagnosed with cancer?" "I am" replied O'Malley. "Then why did you tell them you had AIDS?" asked his son. "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone" replied O'Malley.
Warning: Dirty joke
An old man was sitting at the park. A young man walked up and also sat down. The young man had spiked hair in all different colours of green, red, blue orange, purple. The old man stared and stared. Irritated, the young man finally asked "What's the matter? Never done anything wild in your life?" The old man replied "Got drunk and had s*x with a peacock once. I was just wondering if you were my son."
An old man was sitting at the park. A young man walked up and also sat down. The young man had spiked hair in all different colours of green, red, blue orange, purple. The old man stared and stared. Irritated, the young man finally asked "What's the matter? Never done anything wild in your life?" The old man replied "Got drunk and had s*x with a peacock once. I was just wondering if you were my son."
A man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to an attracive lady. He keeps looking at his watch and she notices. She turns to him and says "Waiting for someone?" The man replies "No. I just bought this cool watch and I was testing it." The woman asks "What's so special about it?" The man tells her "It can talk to me telepathically." Curious, she asks "Ok. So what is it telling you now?" "It says you're not wearing any panties" replied the man. The woman says "Well, it must be broken because I AM wearing panties." "Damn," said the man. "It must be an hour fast."
Warning: Dirty joke
A husband and wife were doing some gardening. The husband says "You butt is as wide as the barbeque grill." Irritated, the wife decided to ignore him. A few minutes later, the husband takes his measuring tape over to his wife when she's bending over the flowers. He measures her butt and says "It IS as big as the grill!" Later that night while in bed, the husband begins to feel 'frisky.' His wife turns to him and says "If you think I'm going to fire up the grill for one little weiner, think again."
A husband and wife were doing some gardening. The husband says "You butt is as wide as the barbeque grill." Irritated, the wife decided to ignore him. A few minutes later, the husband takes his measuring tape over to his wife when she's bending over the flowers. He measures her butt and says "It IS as big as the grill!" Later that night while in bed, the husband begins to feel 'frisky.' His wife turns to him and says "If you think I'm going to fire up the grill for one little weiner, think again."
At school, Bobby's friend told him that most adults are hiding at least one deep dark secret. Little Bobby went home and jokingly told his older brother "I know the truth." His brother quickly hands him $20 and says "Don't tell mom." Surprised, Bobby decides to try this on someone else. He finds his mother and says "I know the truth." His mother hands him $50 and says "Please don't tell your father." Bobby goes upstairs to find his father. He says the same thing. His father grudgingly gives him $100 and says "Do not tell your mother." The next day, Bobby walks to school when he sees the mailman. Bobby says "I know the truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms and says "Then come give your REAL father a BIG hug!"
An army officer was deployed to another country for war. A few months later, he received a letter from his girlfriend. She explained that while he was away, she'd slept with 2 of his friends and now wanted to break up with him. She also wanted pictures of herself back. The army officer did what any guy would do. He went around and asked all the other officers if they had any unwanted photos of beautiful women. Then he mailed all the photos to his girlfriend along with a note: "Dear ex, I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.
2 friends meet each other at the bar.
The first friend said "I was at a restaurant the other day when I realized I needed to fart. The music was really loud...so I did it."
The second friend said "So? Why are you telling me this?"
"Well, I timed my farts to the beat."
"And?"
"After a while, I realized everyone was staring at me."
"Why?"
"I just realized I had been listening to my ipod."
The first friend said "I was at a restaurant the other day when I realized I needed to fart. The music was really loud...so I did it."
The second friend said "So? Why are you telling me this?"
"Well, I timed my farts to the beat."
"And?"
"After a while, I realized everyone was staring at me."
"Why?"
"I just realized I had been listening to my ipod."
A woman got on a bus holding her baby. The bus driver took one look and said "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Offended, the woman went to sit at the back of the bus. The man seated beside her said "I heard what the bus driver said to you. He shouldn't say such harsh things to insult passengers." The woman said "You're right. I'll go up there and give him a piece of my mind!" The man said "Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
4 rich men went golfing one day. Three of them went to the fields while one went to pay. The 3 men started bragging about their sons. The first said "My son owns a car dealership. He's so successful he gave his last girlfriend a brand new Porshe." The second man said "Oh yeah? Well, MY son is a stock broker. He's so successful he gave his last girlfriend an entire stock portfolio!" The third man said "OH YEAH? Well, MY son is a real-estate agent. He's so successful he bought HIS last girlfriend a mansion!" Suddenly, the fourth man returned and said "What are you guys talking about?" They replied "We're just talking about our sons. How's yours doing?" The fourth man replied "Oh, I don't have a son. I have a daughter. She's doing okay. Her last 3 boyfriends gave her a Porshe, a stock portfolio and a mansion!"
A boy asks his father "Dad, what is politics?" His father says "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am Capitalism. Your mother controls the money so she is the Government. We take care of your needs, so you're The People. The maid has to make money so she is the Working Class. Your younger brother is The Future." The son says "I still don't understand. I'll think about it." Later that night, the boy wakes up to his younger brother crying. He went to see what's wrong, and found that the baby needed a diaper change. He went to his parent's room and found his mother asleep despite his banging on the door. He went to the maid's room and peeked through the keyhole. He found his father in bed with the maid. The boy gave up and went back to sleep. The next morning, he went up to his father and said "I know what politics is now." The father asked "Ok. So what is it?" The boy replies "Well, the Government is sound asleep while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class. The People are being ignored and the Future is full of sh*t.
Warning: Dirty joke
An elephant asked a camel "Why do you have breasts on your back?" The camel, cooly replied "What a stupid question coming from someone who has a dick on his face."
An elephant asked a camel "Why do you have breasts on your back?" The camel, cooly replied "What a stupid question coming from someone who has a dick on his face."
Warning: Dirty joke
2 women were gardening. Suddenly, one pulled out a foot long carrot. She turned to her friend and said "This one reminds me of my husband's." The friend says "Your husband's is that long?" "No. That dirty."
2 women were gardening. Suddenly, one pulled out a foot long carrot. She turned to her friend and said "This one reminds me of my husband's." The friend says "Your husband's is that long?" "No. That dirty."
A woman was cleaning the basement after a fight with her husband. She had discovered that he was cheating on her. Angrily, she dusted the shelves and kicked over a lamp in the corner. A genie popped out and said "I have to grant you 3 wishes. However, your husband will receive double of what you wish for." The woman thought about this and said "Ok. My first wish is to have 50 million dollars." The genie granted her the wish. However, her husband received 100 million dollars. The woman said "My second wish is to be the most beautiful woman in North America." The genie granted her the wish, and made her husband a greek god, the most beautiful man in the world. The woman said "Next, I wish for a mild heart attack..."
Note: Hockey joke
A couple were going through divorce and fighting over the child. Since the mother and father had the same circumstances fit to raise the child, the judge decided to ask the child's opinion. "Do you want to stay with your mother?" asked the judge. "No, she beats me" replied the child. "Do you want to stay with your father then?" "No, he beats me too." "Then who do you want to stay with?" asked the judge. "The Toronto Maple Leafs. They never beat anybody."
A couple were going through divorce and fighting over the child. Since the mother and father had the same circumstances fit to raise the child, the judge decided to ask the child's opinion. "Do you want to stay with your mother?" asked the judge. "No, she beats me" replied the child. "Do you want to stay with your father then?" "No, he beats me too." "Then who do you want to stay with?" asked the judge. "The Toronto Maple Leafs. They never beat anybody."
Mom: "Hey honey, are you and your boyfriend all right?"
Daughter: "Yes mom. Why?"
Mom: "Well, I heard you screaming 'Die! You fat evil pig!' from your room."
Daughter: "I wasn't breaking up with him, mom, I was playing Angry Birds."
Daughter: "Yes mom. Why?"
Mom: "Well, I heard you screaming 'Die! You fat evil pig!' from your room."
Daughter: "I wasn't breaking up with him, mom, I was playing Angry Birds."
Worst Furniture store ever?
Warning: Extremely dirty joke
A little boy walks into his parents room and sees his father naked. Curious, he asks him "What are those round things?" The father answers the boy. The little boy goes to his mother and tells her what his father said. The mother replies "Oh really? What did he say about the dead branch they're hanging from?"
A little boy walks into his parents room and sees his father naked. Curious, he asks him "What are those round things?" The father answers the boy. The little boy goes to his mother and tells her what his father said. The mother replies "Oh really? What did he say about the dead branch they're hanging from?"
On Christmas morning, a police officer riding a horse is at a traffic light. He sees Little Johnny on a new bike. The cop says "Nice bike. Did Santa bring it to you?" Little Johnny answers "Yeah." The cop says " Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on the bike" and he gives the kid a ticket. Little Johnny takes the ticket and begins to ride off. He asks "By the way, that's a nice horse. Did Santa bring it to you?" The cop says "Yes." Johnny says "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top."
The Average Christmas Cycle of Life:
1. You believe in Santa.
2. You don't believe in Santa.
3. You become Santa.
4. You look like Santa.
1. You believe in Santa.
2. You don't believe in Santa.
3. You become Santa.
4. You look like Santa.
The grandparents were visiting their grandson. Grandpa found a bottle of anti-snoring pills in his grandson's medicine cabinet. He asked his grandson if he could take one. His grandson said "Sure, but they're $10 a pill. Each pill works for up to 10 weeks." His grandpa promised to mail him the money and took the bottle. A few days later, the grandson found an envelope in the mail with $110 inside from grandpa. Horrified, he calls grandparents. "How many pills did grandpa take?! I told him each costs $10." "Don't worry" answered grandma. "He only took 1 pill. The $100 is from me."
Several men went to a golf club. Suddenly, a cellphone rang. One man picked it up and said:
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, it's me. Are you at the golf club?"
"Yes."
"I'm at the mall. I found a beautiful fur coat but it's $1000. Can I buy it?"
"Well, if you like it that much...go ahead."
"I also stopped by the car dealership. I saw a Mercedes I really liked."
"How much?"
"$100 000"
"For that price, I want it to have all the options."
"Great! By the way, the mansion we want is back on the market. They only asking for $2 000 000"
"Go head and buy it. But only offer $ 1 800 000."
"Ok. See you later! I love you!"
"Bye, love you too!"
The man hung up the phone and notices that everyone is staring at him with their jaws on the floor. Then he asks "Does anyone know who's phone this is?"
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, it's me. Are you at the golf club?"
"Yes."
"I'm at the mall. I found a beautiful fur coat but it's $1000. Can I buy it?"
"Well, if you like it that much...go ahead."
"I also stopped by the car dealership. I saw a Mercedes I really liked."
"How much?"
"$100 000"
"For that price, I want it to have all the options."
"Great! By the way, the mansion we want is back on the market. They only asking for $2 000 000"
"Go head and buy it. But only offer $ 1 800 000."
"Ok. See you later! I love you!"
"Bye, love you too!"
The man hung up the phone and notices that everyone is staring at him with their jaws on the floor. Then he asks "Does anyone know who's phone this is?"
Betty: "I got you an awesome gift, George. You're going to love it!"
Bob: "Sorry Betty. I didn't get you anything for Christmas...because... I thought we were all going to die in the December 21st apocalypse so I didn't bother doing gift shopping."
Betty: "...That's ok."
Next Christmas...
Bob: "So, what did you get me for Christmas this year?"
Betty: "Sorry Bob. I thought you died in 2012."
Bob: "Sorry Betty. I didn't get you anything for Christmas...because... I thought we were all going to die in the December 21st apocalypse so I didn't bother doing gift shopping."
Betty: "...That's ok."
Next Christmas...
Bob: "So, what did you get me for Christmas this year?"
Betty: "Sorry Bob. I thought you died in 2012."
Every year, Fred and Ethel went to the country fair. Every year Fred wants to ride the helicopter ride, but ever year Ethel tells him "That ride costs $10, and $10 is $10." This year, Fred and Ethel went to the country fair again...obviously. Fred once again said to Ethel "Can we please go on the helicopter ride this year?" Ethel replied "No, $10 is $10." Fred said "But I'm 75 years old, Ethel! If I don't ride the helicopter this year, I may never get another chance!" The pilot overheard their conversation and butted in. "I'll make you a deal. If you can stay quiet the entire ride, I won't charge you for it. But if you make one sound, you'll have to pay the $10." They agreed. The pilot started the helicopter and did all kinds of tricks, twisting and turning, but there was silence. Finally, he landed and turned to Fred. "Wow. I did everything I could, but you didn't make a single noise the entire time!" Fred replied "Well, I was going to say something when Ethel fell out, but $10 is $10."
A couple from the U.S were traveling to Israel. During their stay, a salesman approached them. The couple refused to buy his stuff. The salesman asked them where they were from. "America" replied the wife. The salesman turned towards the husband and said "I'll give you 100 camels for her." Stunned, the husband remained silent. Finally, he told the salesman "She's not for sale." The salesman left. Then the wife turned and smacked her husband and asked "What took you so long to answer?!" The husband replied "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back o America."
A couple had 4 boys. The weird thing was that 3 of them had blonde hair and blue eyes. The youngest son had black hair and brown eyes. One day, the father got very sick and was lying on his deathbed. He turned to his wife and asked "Before I die, please be honest with me. Is our youngest son really my child?" The wife took his hand and looked into his eyes, and said "I swear to god that he's your son." Her husband smiled and died peacefully. The wife then muttered "Thank god he didn't ask about the other 3."
Warning: Dirty joke
A guy goes to his friend Tim's house. Tim's wife answers the door and tells him that Tim isn't home yet. The guy asks if he can wait. The woman invites him in. They go into the living room and sit down. The guy tells her "You have the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. I'd pay $100 to see one." The wife thinks about it and says "What the heck? It's 100 dollars" and she shows him. He thanks her and says "You know, I'll give you another $100 if I could see both of them." The wife agrees and shows him both. He thanks her and says "I'm late for a meeting. I can't wait any longer. Can you tell Tim I stopped by?" A few hours later, Tim comes home. His wife tells him his friend stopped by. Tim says "Good. Did he drop off the $200 he owes me?"
A guy goes to his friend Tim's house. Tim's wife answers the door and tells him that Tim isn't home yet. The guy asks if he can wait. The woman invites him in. They go into the living room and sit down. The guy tells her "You have the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. I'd pay $100 to see one." The wife thinks about it and says "What the heck? It's 100 dollars" and she shows him. He thanks her and says "You know, I'll give you another $100 if I could see both of them." The wife agrees and shows him both. He thanks her and says "I'm late for a meeting. I can't wait any longer. Can you tell Tim I stopped by?" A few hours later, Tim comes home. His wife tells him his friend stopped by. Tim says "Good. Did he drop off the $200 he owes me?"
A man went to Florida for a business trip. He came back to his hotel and wrote a letter to his wife, who was flying to Florida next week too. Unfortunately, he didn't notice he mispelled his wife's email address and clicked send.
In New York, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. She checked her email for coupons. She opened the first email in her inbox, and after reading it, she fainted. The woman's son came home a few seconds later and saw the following email on her screen:
To my loving wife,
I've just checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival next week. I look forward to seeing you.
From your husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
In New York, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. She checked her email for coupons. She opened the first email in her inbox, and after reading it, she fainted. The woman's son came home a few seconds later and saw the following email on her screen:
To my loving wife,
I've just checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival next week. I look forward to seeing you.
From your husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, she noticed how attractive his roommate Clara was. She has been suspicious of a relationship between them and this made her more curious. She watched the two of them over dinner. John noticed and said to his mother "I know what you're thinking mom, but Clara and I are strictly roommates." A few days later, Clara asked John "Ever since your mother came for dinner, I can't seem to find the silverware in our kitchen. You don't think she took it, do you?" John said he'll write a letter to his mother to find out:
"Dear Mom,
I'm not saying you did take the silverware from my apartment, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner, the silverware has been missing. Love, your son."
A few days later, John received a letter from his mother:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying you do sleep with Clara, and I'm not saying you don't sleep with Clara, but the fact remains that she should have found the silverware by now if she was sleeping in her own bed. Love, Mom."
"Dear Mom,
I'm not saying you did take the silverware from my apartment, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner, the silverware has been missing. Love, your son."
A few days later, John received a letter from his mother:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying you do sleep with Clara, and I'm not saying you don't sleep with Clara, but the fact remains that she should have found the silverware by now if she was sleeping in her own bed. Love, Mom."
Husband: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight."
Wife: "Ok, but if you get home before I do, leave the light on."
Wife: "Ok, but if you get home before I do, leave the light on."
A man has 6 children. He starts calling his wife "mother of 6." One night, they go to a party. The man is bored and wants to go home, so he shouts across the room "I want to go home Mother of 6!" Irritated, his wife shouts back "Do whatever you want, Father of 6."
A woman goes with her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor asked to speak privately with the woman. The doctor tells her "Your husband is suffering from horrible stress. If you don't do the following, he will die: Each morning, make him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. Make him a healthy lunch. For dinner, prepare a gourmet meal for him. Don't make him do any chores because this increases his stress. Don't complain. Don't whine. Don't nag. Let him watch TV for at least 2 hours everyday. Kiss him everyday and satisfy his every need. If you can do this for the next 10 months, he will definitely regain back his health." The woman thanks the doctor and walks out of the office.
On the way home, the husband asks her "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die" she replied.
On the way home, the husband asks her "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die" she replied.
A couple were walking around the park. They noticed another couple kissing passionately on the bench. The wife turns to the husband and asks "Why don't you ever do that?" The husband replies "Honey, I don't even know that woman!"
Jack and Betty were celebrating their 10th anniversary. "Betty, I was wondering...have you ever cheated on me?" "Jack, why would you ask that question now?" "I really want to know." Betty hesitated, and said "Well, yes. Three times." "Three times?! When were they?" "Well Jack, remember when you were 25 and you really wanted to start a business but no bank would give you the loans? Remember how the bank president came over one day and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "You did that for me? Thank you. But when was number 2?" "Well Jack, remember when you had that heart attack and needed a tricky surgery, but every surgeon refused, except Dr. Bank?" "I can't believe you did that to save my life! Thank you, I guess. When was number 3?" "Well Jack, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the gold club, but you were 23 votes short?"
A man left work on Friday. Instead of going home, he went partying and spent his entire paycheck. He finally came home on Sunday night to find his angry wife. His wife yelled "Where the h*ll were you? How would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 or 3 days?!" He replied "I wouldn't care." So Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see his wife. But on Thursday, the swellling went down just enough so he could see her out of the corner of his left eye.
A wife was angry at her husband for not spending time with her. He spends all his time in the reading room...reading. One day, the wife marched in and said "You always have your head in a book! It's like you don't even know I'm alive!" Her husband remains silent as he continues reading his book. "Sometimes I wish I were a book. Then maybe you'll look at me!" the wife yelled. Her husband looks up and says "That's actually not a bad idea. Then, I could take you to the library and exchange you for something more interesting."
Warning: dirty joke
Susan arrived home one day and found her husband in bed with another woman. "That's it! I'm divorcing you!" she yelled. Her husband said "Wait, at least let me explain." Susan glared at her husband as he said "Well, I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady at the side of the road soaking wet and sobbing. I took pity on her and asked if she needed a ride home. She had no place to go so I drove her back here to clean up. After she took a shower, I gave her a pair of underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the dress I bought you for Christmas that you never wore, the shoes you bought but never used, and even some of the turkey in the fridge you never served me." said the husband. "Then," he continued "I showed her to the door and she thanked me. As she was leaving, she turned around and said 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"
Susan arrived home one day and found her husband in bed with another woman. "That's it! I'm divorcing you!" she yelled. Her husband said "Wait, at least let me explain." Susan glared at her husband as he said "Well, I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady at the side of the road soaking wet and sobbing. I took pity on her and asked if she needed a ride home. She had no place to go so I drove her back here to clean up. After she took a shower, I gave her a pair of underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the dress I bought you for Christmas that you never wore, the shoes you bought but never used, and even some of the turkey in the fridge you never served me." said the husband. "Then," he continued "I showed her to the door and she thanked me. As she was leaving, she turned around and said 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"
Warning: slightly dirty Joke
A rich man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation and marriage, the man told her he'll pay for her to move out of the country. If she stayed there, he'll also pay for child support until the child turned 18. The woman agreed and asked how he would know when the child was born. He told her to mail him a postcard with the word "Spaghetti." 9 months later, the man came home to his confused wife. She said "Honey, you received a very unusual post-card today." The husband took the card, read it, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
A rich man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation and marriage, the man told her he'll pay for her to move out of the country. If she stayed there, he'll also pay for child support until the child turned 18. The woman agreed and asked how he would know when the child was born. He told her to mail him a postcard with the word "Spaghetti." 9 months later, the man came home to his confused wife. She said "Honey, you received a very unusual post-card today." The husband took the card, read it, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife. He visits a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist tells the man he just needs to build his self-confidence and gives him a book. The man reads the book as he's walking home. Half an hour later, he storms into the house and walks up to his wife. He tells her "From now on, I want you to know that I'm the man of the house and my word is LAW. I want you to prepare me a gourmet dinner right now WITH dessert. Then you're going to run me a bath so I can relax. When I'm finished, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The funeral director" says his wife.
A man is suspicious that his wife is having an affair so he called a private investigator. A week later, the detective comes back to show him a video. The man watches in amazement as the video played. It showed his wife walking with another man in the park, having lunch at a Cafe, swimming at the beach, taking a hike through the woods, and dancing in a nightclub. Shocked, he said "I can't believe it." The detective asks "What's not to believe? The proof is right in front of you." The man says "No, it's not that. I just can't believe that my wife can be...fun."
A boss came to work early and found his manager kissing the secretary. The boss shouts "Is this what I pay you for?" The manager says "No sir. This I do for free."
A woman goes to bed early, angry that her husband forgot their anniversary. She wakes up at night to find her husband not in bed. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him in the kitchen, deep in thought. She watches as he wipes tears from his eyes. "What's the matter?" The husband looks up surprised and said "Do you remember 15 years ago when we were dating and we were only 17?" The wife is touched that her husband remembers. "Yes, I do." she replied. The husband asks "Do you remember when your father caught us kissing in the backseat of my car?" The wife smiles and nods "Yes, I remember." The husband asks "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said 'You better marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for the next 15 years.'" The wife says "Yes, I remember." The husband wipes another tear and says "Well, I would have gotten out today!"
A guy received a letter from his mom:
Dear son,
I am writing slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we used to when you left home. Your dad read that most accidents happen within 200 miles from our home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the previous family took the house numbers when they left. This place is nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works though. Last week I put a load of laundry in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since. I bought the coat you said you wanted. Uncle Jack said it's too heavy to send in the mail so I cut the buttons off. We got another bill from the funeral home. They say if we don't pay this month's payment for grandma's grave, up she comes. I told John not to pay. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. I was worried because it took him 2 hours to get me out. Your sister had her baby this morning. I don't know what gender it is yet, so I don't know if I'm going to be an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister promised she'd name it after me. I guess she'll name it Mom. Uncle Pete fell into a vat of concrete yesterday while working. I had him cremated. I don't know what to say next. So bye.
P.S. I was going to send you some money along with this letter, but the envelope was already sealed.
Dear son,
I am writing slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we used to when you left home. Your dad read that most accidents happen within 200 miles from our home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the previous family took the house numbers when they left. This place is nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works though. Last week I put a load of laundry in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since. I bought the coat you said you wanted. Uncle Jack said it's too heavy to send in the mail so I cut the buttons off. We got another bill from the funeral home. They say if we don't pay this month's payment for grandma's grave, up she comes. I told John not to pay. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. I was worried because it took him 2 hours to get me out. Your sister had her baby this morning. I don't know what gender it is yet, so I don't know if I'm going to be an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister promised she'd name it after me. I guess she'll name it Mom. Uncle Pete fell into a vat of concrete yesterday while working. I had him cremated. I don't know what to say next. So bye.
P.S. I was going to send you some money along with this letter, but the envelope was already sealed.
A doctor and a lawyer were at a party. People were constantly asking the doctor medical questions. After an hour, annoyed, the doctor asked the lawyer "How did you get people to stop asking you legal advice when you're out of the office?" The lawyer told him "That's easy. I give it to them, then I send them a bill for my services." The doctor decided to give this a try. The next day, the doctor went to the mailbox, carrying the bills he was going to send. He found a bill from the lawyer.
A guy was sitting at a bar, staring at his drink. A man takes his drink and drinks it. The other man starts crying. "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink." "No, it's not that. This is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and got fired. I found out that my car was stolen, got mugged on my way home, and then discovered that my wife was cheating on me. I leave home and come to this bar. Then, when I was just about to end my life, you come and drink my poison."
A blonde wanted to earn some money so she went to a wealthy neighborhood. She went up to a mansion and asked the owner if he wanted any jobs done. He said "Sure. You can paint my porch. How much will it cost?" The blonde replied "$50." The man thought he got lucky because no one would paint a porch for such a cheap price. He showed the blonde the garage where the paints were. The man's gardener overheard the conversation and asked "$50? Does she realize the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied "She should. She was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came back. "You've finished already?" The blonde said "Yes. I had some left over paint so I decided to give it 2 coats." The man paid her $50. As the blonde was leaving, she said "By the way, that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari.
2 women went out to a nightclub. While walking home, both realized that they had to pee. They reached a graveyard and decided to do their "business" there. The first had nothing to wipe herself with so she took off her panties, used them, and threw them away. The second woman didn't want to throw out her expensive underwear so she used a large ribbon that was attached to a wreath on a tombstone. After finishing, they both stumbled back home. The next morning, the second's woman's husband gets a phonecall from the first woman's husband. "These girls-night-out have to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties!" The second husband replied "That's nothing. My wife came home with a sympathy card stuck between her butt cheeks that said 'From all of us at the fire station. We'll never forget you.'"
A man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the sidewalk and one foot on the road. A cop pulled up and said "Do you need a ride home? You're obviously drunk." The man replied "Are you sure I'm drunk?" The officer said "Yes, I'm sure." The man sighed in relief and said "Thank God. I thought I was crippled."
A charity realized they never received a donation from the city's richest lawyer. The person in charge called the lawyer and asked "Our research shows that you have an annual income of $500 000, but you haven't donated a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community?" The lawyer responds "Did your research show that my mother is dying and has medical bills that are several times her income?" The man is embarrassed and says "I'm sorry, I didn't know." The lawyer interrupts and says "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran is blind and handicapped?" The man apologizes. The lawyer continues "Or that my sister's husband died in a car accident, leaving her penniless with 3 children?" The man stammers "I had no idea." The lawyer cuts him off and says "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
A little boy was at a wedding. He turns to his mom and asks "Why does the bride wear white?" The mom replies "Because this is the happiest day of her life." The boy asks "Then why does the groom wear black...?"
2 guys were walking down the street at night. A mugger approaches them and says "Give me all your money!" They both take out their wallets and sadly begin taking out the cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other and says "Here's that $20 I owe you."
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. 3 years later, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the heck was THAT all about?!"
2 campers were hiking in the woods. Suddenly they see a brown bear. The bear sees them and starts heading towards them. The first guy turns around and makes a run for it. The second guys says "What are you doing? You really think you can outrun a bear?" The first guy replies "I don't need to outrun the bear. I just need to outrun you."
A young boy enters a shop. A man recognizes the boy and turns to the guy sitting next to him. "That young boy is the dumbest kid in this town. Watch, I'll prove it to you." The man goes up to the boy with $2 in one hand and $1 in the other. The boy looks at the money, takes the $1 and leaves. The man turns to his buddy and says "See what I mean? No matter how many times, that kid never learns!" His buddy leaves the shop. A few minutes later, he sees the same young boy walking out of an ice cream shop. He goes up to the boy and asks "Hey, can I ask you a question? Why do you always take the $1 instead of the $2?" The boy looks at the man and says "Because the day I take the $2, the game is over."
A pirate was talking to one of his prisoners. Stalling for time, the prisoner looked at the pirate's wooden leg and asked "How did you lose your leg?" The pirate replied "To a shark." The prisoner looks at his hook and asked "How'd you lose your hand?" The pirate said "In a battle." The prisoner looks at his eyepatch and asked "How did you lose your eye?" The pirate sighed and said "I had an itch. It was the first day I got my hook."
4 guys were at a bar having a drink. The first guy says "When you're dead, what would you like to hear at your funeral?" The second guy says "I'd like them to say I was a good family man and a good doctor." The third guy replies "I'd like to hear them say I was a successful businessman and impacted them in some way." The fourth guy says "I'd like to hear them say 'Look! He's moving!'"
Submitted by one of our viewers.
Why did the piece of gum cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken.
Why did the piece of gum cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken.
A girl calls her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her family. The boy is excited. Before coming over for dinner, he makes a visit to the pharmacy to get some anti-itch cream. The pharmacist helps the boy and gives a detailed description of each cream until the boy found what he was looking for. At the cash register, the pharmacist asks the boy if he wants the one bottle, the 7 bottle pack, or the extra large pack. The boy insists on the extra large pack of cream. That night, the boy arrives at his girlfriend's house for dinner. During the dinner, the boy quickly bows his head and offers to say grace. 10 minutes pass and the boy is still deep in prayer. The girl turns to the boy and whispered "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy whispers back "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."