If you want to get rid of everyone in your friends list the hard way, here's how you do it:

1. Update people about ever moment in your life "I just woke up." "I am now peeing." "I ran out of toothpaste."
2. Write on other people's walls "Remember that one time in prison [insert crazy story here]"
3. Tell everyone how much you love your pet. Post 10 pictures of it everyday.
4. Post song lyrics. "You're a womanizer ~Britney Spears"
5. Poke everyone.
6. Change your relationship status everyday (Single, married, widowed).
7. Post a bunch of pictures of food, along with the recipes. End it with "Tastes like sh*t."
8. Invite people to cults.
9. Spill your whole life story to a friend on chat. At the end, say "Thanks for listening to me. I'm sorry to ask, but who are you again?"
10. Write "That's stupid" after every comment.
11. Create a fan page for your friend.
12. Post disgusting facts about smoking and drinking on your friend's wall.
13. Play Farmville.
14. Update everyone about your progress in Farmville.
15. Ask everyone "Do you know what day today is?" everyday.
16. Invite everyone to the stupidest groups you can find.
17. "OMG! I'm having a heart attack! Someone call an ambulance!"
18. Take a bunch of photos of yourself in cheesy poses. (Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, standing in front of a door and wall corner etc.)
19. Like articles on "How to Annoy People on Facebook"
20. Act like an over-concerned parent and stalk your friends. "Hey, how are you?" "What are you doing right now?" "Did you eat your vegetables?" "Don't forget to wash the dishes." "Did you poop today?" "Remember to put on sun screen."
21. Type "Like my status" as your status."
22. Post stupid Youtube videos labelled as "Must see!"
23. Post embarrassing false things on people's wall. "Hey! Is your toe fungus gone yet?"
24. Complain to everyone about how your friend is stalking you (even though they're not). Go on their wall and keep telling them "Stop stalking me!"
25. Do personality quizzes and post all your results.
26. Send game invites to all your friends until they join. Repeat with new game.
27. Complain about life.
28. After watching a movie, write about how great it is and include all the spoilers.
29. Falsely compliment your friends on their photos. "That shirt really brings out your ankles." "Wow, you can barely see your pot belly! Have you lost weight?"
30. Post links to articles on How to Annoy People on Facebook.
 
The next time you're in a trolling mood, here's a few ideas:

1. "Button. Button. Who has my button?"
2. "Hey, has anyone seen my nickname? I lost it."
3. "Oh my god! The green leprechauns are here!"
4. "So this one time, in prison..."
5. "Everybody freeze! I'm going to high jack this room!"
6. "Aww...someone's sitting in my emo corner."
7. After someone tells a joke, "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha" (continue this until you're banned)
8. "Oh my god!!! Someone call an ambulance! I'm having a heart attack!"
9. "I can see you. Look out your window."
10. "The person below me is a noob."
11. "So, anyone up for a bank robbery tonight?"
12. "I remember back in ye olde days, when the internet was first invented! It was a cold, stormy night, in World War 2..."
13. *cough* *cough* *cough* *gag* *choke* "Someone help me!"
14. "*dies and goes to heaven*"
15. Ask everyone for a high five.
16. Ask everyone the color of their underwear.
17. After someone tells a joke, "...Will you marry me?"
18. "Everyone leave now! A 14.F2 virus is going to be sent to everyone who remains in this room."
19. Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think."
20. "Someone call 911 for me! I'm being kidnapped!"
21. "I lost my car keys. Anyone know where it is?"
22. Copy and paste parts of the bible. Sentence by sentence.
23. Pretend to be a priest and host an exorcism.
24. Copy and paste song lyrics.
25. "Kill me."
26. Keep saying "Mute"
27. "Where's the mute button?"
28. "Caution. Troll ahead."
29. Spam.
30. Do math. "1 + 1 = 2"
31. Keep saying "Kick me."
32. Tell everyone who joins the chat "Welcome to the troll room. We serve free tacos tonight. Limited time offer. Enjoy your stay."
33. Only talk in emoticons/emoji.
34. Post a bunch of hyperlinks to random websites. "lamecomics.weebly.com"
35. Talk about feelings. "I feel...." "This makes me feel...." "And how did that make you feel?"
36. Pretend to by a therapist and analyze everyone.
37. Ask a random person "Hey, remember that time when we [insert crazy random story here]."
38. "It has come to my attention that I am the center of the universe."
39. "Has anyone here ever [insert stupid action here]."
40. Correct everyone's grammar and spelling.
41. Ask people to tell you bed time stories.
42. Ask everyone's age, gender, location, eye color, hair color, skin color, height, weight etc.
43. ONLY WRITE IN CAPITALS.
44. Capitalize The First Letter Of Each Word. It Really Annoys Some People.
45. Say "lol" "lmao" "rofl" "hahahaha" "lmaoshmsfoaidmt" a lot (even when nothing is funny).
46. Overuse...the...ellipsis...punctuation.
47. Become a duck expert. (Copy and paste duck facts from Wikipedia.)
48. Use "uh...." in the middle of uh....your sentences uh...a lot!
49. Ask people creepy questions. "Do you know a good place to hide a dead body?" "Do you know how to get human blood stains out of a carpet?"
50. Post a hyperlink to this page.

Warning: You may get banned or muted.

Now go out there and make the word a better place!
 
It's time to prepare for the impossible: when a bunch of scrawny monsters with oversized heads in flying saucers attack:

 1. Don't be the guy (or woman) who's running down the street screaming their head off. It makes you an obvious target.
2. Actually, the first thing you should do is make sure if they're actually attacking, and not just friendly visiting.
2. Pack your suvival kit NOW. Aliens won't warn you when they attack. Survival kits should include
first aid kit, clothes, flashlights, batteries, can openers, blankets, maps, food, water, compass, containers, knives, maps....it's pretty similar to your camping trip luggage.
3. Plan the shortest route out of your city now.
4. Head towards the countryside. Aliens will attack large cities first, because there's more people.
5. Pack a bag of weapons. I have no idea what kind of weapons can harm aliens, so just pack everything: guns, ammo,matches, knives, bows and arrows, water, hatchets, wood, acid, laser beams, metals, salt etc.
6. Avoid getting resources from obvious places such as grocery stores. Everyone will be there looking for supplies during the alien invasion, which will attract attention. Try camping stores etc.
7. Always try to pack "unperishable" foods like cans.
8. Dress in dull colors to avoid attracting attention.
9. Once you're in your "safe spot," don't leave unless it's to look for supplies. If you do have to go
out for supplies, always choose a different path/direction so no one can keep track of your routines.
10. Once you survive the initial attack, everything will be fine (not really). You have 2 choices. You can live your life in hiding and hope others will be able to defeat the aliens while you relax in your safe spot, or you can band together with other survivors in order to take back your planet:
11. If you choose to live in hiding, make sure you have access to TV/radio so you can keep track of the invasion. (You don't want to live in hiding for 30 years and find out that the invasion ended 29 years ago...)
12. If you choose to be a hero, try to save the children, the scientists, and the engineers. They will be the ones who can defeat the aliens.
13. Study the aliens. Find out their strengths, weaknesses (if they have any), and routines. Gather a group of survivors to defeat the aliens. (Or you can try to pretend to be an alien and hope they don't notice.)
14. You must destroy the mothership first (preferably by blowing it up). Without their home and technology, they will be lost in a foreign planet and you will have the advantage. Now you can start
eliminating them one by one. [insert evil laugh here]
15. If you are trapped in their mothership, try to blend in. Or maybe join forces with the aliens(traitor!). They could use a helpful human, because you're more familiar with earth. Or try showing them YouTube videos to buy time.
16. If you are trapped in a room with aliens, start throwing any random objects at them. Who knows? Maybe they're allergic to fluffy pillows, or chocolate, or bleach. Or maybe they really enjoy cheese burgers and will agree to stop invading earth in exchange.
17. Make sure you kill ALL of the aliens. Remember to kill the scientists who want to "study it" as well.
18. Remember to take a picture. This would be an awesome story to tell one day (assuming the human race doesn't go extinct).
 
You've all seen this coming:

1. Look in the mirror and scream "Oh my god! It's hideous!!!" before running out.
2. Wash your hands obsessively in the sink and mutter "Gotta rid of the evidence...."
3. Stick your hand under the stall and ask "May I borrow a highlighter?"
4. Open a stall door. Scream "there's a leprechaun in the toilet!" and run out.
5. Sell toilet paper.
6. "Uh oh. I probably shouldn't have put my lips on that."
7. Ask "Now, how did that get in there?"
8. Ask people "Were there more sinkers than floaters?"
9. Pound on someone's stall door and scream "Are you almost done in there?!!"
10. Knock on someone's stall door and ask "Are you alright in there? What's happening?"
11. Knock on someone's stall door and ask "Do you have a lighter?"
12. Smear some chocolate on a piece of toilet paper. Then kick it to the next stall and say "Oops. Looks like I missed the toilet."
13. Open a stall door, take one look at the toilet and scream "Oh my GOD!!! What the hell IS
that?!!!" and run out of the bathroom.
14. Brush your teeth.
15. Shave.
16. Slip a note under someone's stall door that says "Hello. How are you doing?"
17. Sing while you're doing your business.
18. Tell everyone in the bathroom "Be careful when you sit. You could fall in."
19. When you're finished, slam open the stall door and rush to the sink. Obsessively scrub your
hands and scream "Oh my god! I can't believe I touched it!!!"
20. Knock on someone's door every 4 seconds and yell "Are you almost done yet?" Nothing is more annoying than being rushed while you're doing your business.
21. Knock on someone's door and ask if they'd mind doing a quick survey.
22. Smear some chocolate on your hands and then stick it under the stall door and say "Can I borrow some toilet paper?" Literally, borrow the paper and offer to give it back.
23. Grunt and strain for 30 seconds before dropping a heavy object into the toilet.
24. Pretend to call someone while taking a dump. Make sure everyone can hear your conversation
 "Hey Bob. What's up?... No, I'm not doing anything."
25. Leave creepy notes on the toilet paper for the next person, such as "I've got my eyes on you."
26. Tape a phone number to the back of the stall door that says "Call me. I'm desperate."
27. Tell everyone the bathroom is haunted. Make spooky noises and flicker the lights when they're doing their business.
28. Walk around and ask people if they've seen your lost cat.
29. Strike up a conversation with people in line. "So...I ate this bad mushroom, and I've had the sh*ts for days...."
30. Knock on the stall doors and yell "There's a fire in the building. We must evacuate immediately!"
 
Tired of receiving calls from telemarketers selling products you don't need? Of course you are. Who wouldn't be? So print this list, stick it up next to your telephone, and use it the next time some moron calls you.
Disclaimer: I did not come up with this entire list by myself, I got a few of the lines from the internet.


1. "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU PEOPLE TO NEVER CALL ME!"
2. "Ahoy sailor!"
3. "This better be good, I'm in the middle of a boss fight."
4. "Road-kill cafe: You kill em, we grill em."
5. "City Morgue: You snuff em, we stuff em."
6. "City Morgue: You kill em, we chill em."
7. "Vampire Crematorium: You stake em, we bake em."
8. "I'm trying to defuse a bomb, WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"
9. "Suicide hotline. Please hold and an operator will be with you momentarily."
10. "Hey sexypants. Can you stop calling me at this number? My wife/husband's getting suspicious."
11. "Hello, please leave your full name, address, credit card number, social security number, and bank account number after the beep."
12. "Hello, the person you are trying to reach has died. He is currently being cremated. Please press 4 to transfer your call to Hell."
13. "Hello, psychiatric hotline. How may I help you?"
14. Perverted voice: "Hello. I've been waiting for you."
15. "Hi, I'd like to order an extra large pepperonni pizza with extra mushrooms and..."
16. "Hello, welcome to Bob's limited time offer deals. Can I interest you in a 42 inch LCD TV?"
17. "R.I.P. Military Headquarters. Permission to speak has been granted."
18. "I'm sorry. The person you are trying to call is dead. To speak to the household pet, press 1. To speak to the lawyer, press 2. To speak to the funeral director, press 3."
19. "Congratulations! You have won a free trip to Waverly Hill Asylum. Please press 3 to claim your prize, or press End to reject the call."
20. "Please visit lamecomics.weebly.com That's l-a-m-e-c-o-m-i-c-s.-w-e-e-b-l-y-.com."
21. "Thank you for wasting my phone bill. Now, how may I be of assistance?"
22. "Hello, you have reached P.A.T. Would you mind completing our questionnaire? Don't worry, it's only 203 questions and shouldn't take more than 4.5 hours."
23. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
24. "Center of the Universe. This is God speaking. What do you want?"
25. "Ghostbusters. What is your emergency?"
26. "Hello?....Holy crap! Bob, is it really you? HOW ARE YOU?!!! I thought you died!"
27. "Hey Timothy. How'd that bank robbery go last night?.......Oops, let's pretend we never had 
this conversation heh heh..."
28. "Don't worry! I SAID I'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING!" *end call*
29. "Hang on, I'm doing something REALLY important. Please hold." (Just leave the phone until they hang up.)
30. "Heeeey, Mom...I-I sw-swear to drunk I'm n-not god..."
31. "Your PC is about to crash." (Some people will actually go check their computers. Morons.)
32. "Hello?..Oh my god! A female! Will you marry me?!!"
33. "Hello, this is Rogers television. Have we got a deal for you! Would you like to buy our special monthly family pack? Over 200 channels for just $269/month!"
34. "Hold on a minute! I'm not done burying the body yet! Just let me finish before the cops come and I'll get back to you! Geez, people these days."
35. "Where are you calling from? The other side of the planet?! It's 4 a.m. here."
36. "Hello, CIA headquarters. Please hold while we trace your call."
37. "This is Madame Granias. Would you like your fortune read?"
38. "Hey, wanna hear a cool noise?" (hang up)
39. "Hey Joe. So did you get the money or not?! Well, you better deliver it to the red lobster by midnight! You know what the mob does to people who are tardy...You saw what happened to Timothy."
40. If they are talking in English, say "I don't speak Italian, sorry."
41. Ask them "Can you speak Chinese?". If they say yes, start asking them to translate weird stuff for you. If they say no, say "Useless mortals these days..." (hang up)
42. "I'm blind. Can you repeat that?"
43. "Hi. Thank you for calling J.A.T. Justice Against Telemarketers. Please leave your name, address,
social security number, and we'll get back to you. Together, we can destroy those telemarketers."
44. "Welcome to Bob's Ice Cream Parlour, the home of 57 flavours. If you can name 57 flavours in 57 seconds, you will win a lifetime supply of free ice cream. Start now."
45. "The person you're looking for is in the bathroom taking a dump. Might take some time....I saw him/her take a laptop in there."
46. ".....You have 7 days." *hang up*
47. When the telemarketer is in the middle of advertising a product, turn up some music. Then yell out "Sorry, I can't hear you!" Turn the music up louder.
48. "How'd you get this number?! How do you know my name?! You're not Bob, are
you?! You're not one of them, are you?!! They sent you for me, didn't they?! DIDN'T THEY?! Who else knows about this number?!!"
49. "I'm sorry. The person you're looking for was recently eaten by a whale." (Burst into tears)
50. "Joe? Is that you? We have to get rid of the body fast. Did you find the chainsaw or
not?"
51. "Stop kidding around Joe. I know it's you. Pay attention, this is important."
52. "Bob's Sperm Bank. You make it, we pack it! This is Samantha, how may I help you?"
53. "Ron's whore house. Ron's not here, this is the whore. How may I help you?"
54. Repeat everything they say. When they ask, say you are training to become a telemarketer.
55. *Sexy voice* "Ok. I'd love to listen to you. But just so you know, I'm not wearing any clothes."
56. "Do you know how to get out goat blood from a carpet? How about human blood?"
57. "Do you know how many men it takes to change a roll of toilet paper?!! I wouldn't know! It's never happened!" (hang up)
58. "Sure I'll listen to you speak. But just so you know, I'm naked."
59. "Oh hey, Grandpa! How's the meds working?"
60. "Did you not enjoy our date last night? I've been waiting for HOURS for you to call!"
61. "......lamecomics.weebly.com"
62. "Hang on a moment!" (put a loud car chase scene on the TV.)
63. "Thank god you called! This is REALLY important. It's a life or death situation! To diffuse a bomb, which wire do you cut?"
64. "Can you call me back? I need to speak with my parole officer first."
65. "I'm under house arrest. I'm not supposed to speak to anyone."
66. "Hey, are you a travelling agency? Great! I'm a pothead. I need a ticket to Columbia. You know how to get in touch with drug lords?"
67. "I'd love to buy a ticket to ____, but I just bought a private jet."
68. "Can I get a ticket to the North Pole then? I want to see Santa's workshop."
69. "Travel my ass! I'm broke and I can't even afford a tuna sandwich!"
70. "You're selling insurance? Insurance?! I didn't know you needed insurance for a cardboard box."
71. "No thanks. It's almost time for my execution day. I won't be needing any insurance."
72. "I could sure use some insurance. I have 14 death threats against me!"
73. "Sure, both my arms and legs are insured. How about insurance for my butt too?"
74. "Thank god. I just maxed out my other 14 cards and still need a kidney.
75. "Sure, my dog's already got a credit card. I'll get my fish one too."
76. "I don't have any friends..." *sob* "I won't be needing your phone plans." *sob* "I've got no one to call."
77. "A new phone plan? Anything further than Neptune gets a little fuzzy. Can you do better?"
78. "I'm not supposed to phone anyone. It's against my religion."
79. "Sorry. I'm under house arrest. I'm not supposed to contact anyone....I murdered a telemarketer."
80. "Buy your products?! Does it look like I can afford to afford?"
 
So you've just found out that a serial killer has escaped from a nearby prison. The first thing you did was open a portal to the underworld and unleased demons from Hell. Then you also
participated in a Seance that went wrong and  decided to watch a creepy video involving 7 days. You're now stuck in a smelly room with drunk teenagers while the phone keeps ringing and a hairy man is knocking on the door. It's obvious: You're stuck in a horror movie.
We've all watched horror movies and wanted to slap the characters and say "I would do SO much better than that!" But can you really survive?

1. First of all, make sure you really are in a horror situation. Jump around, slap your butt and scream "Pork chops and bacon sauce!" If you're not in a horror movie, nothing will happen. If you ARE, then the killer may die of laughter. If you do end up getting killed, at least you were part of the funniest horror deaths ever.
2. Remember to carry these items with you at all times: flashlight (extra batteries), garlic, silver bullets, gun, knife, wooden stake, matches, and holy water.
3. Resist the sudden urge to investigate. You're wasting your energy. You don't  have to find the killer, they will come to you.
4. Don't barricade your doors/windows. They always find a way in, and you just blocked all your exits.
5. Stay alert. Drink coffee and don't fall asleep. The killer/thing could jump out at ANY time (even right now...)
6. Be cautious when walking around doors, windows, closets, shower curtains, beds, and mirrors.
7. Beware reflective surfaces.
8. Don't do drugs, alcohol or s*x. You're sending a message that says "I want to die!"
9. As a general rule, avoid places like forests, old hospitals, basements, attics, farms, caves,
lakes, old mansions/houses. Basically, anywhere creepy and/or abandoned (it's empty for a reason). Stick to happy places with rainbows, puppies and unicorns without horns.
10. If you are in a group, DO NOT split up.
11. If you are in a group and one member does not come back, don't go looking for them. They can take care of themselves.
12. If the guy with too much testosterone wants to "check it out" and "investigate that noise," just let him. It will buy everyone else time to escape.
13. Don't go in the closet. Especially one with a lone hanging lightbulb.
14. Actually, just stay away from places with lone hanging lightbulbs in general. You know what happens. (Just in case you don't know: the lightbulb always goes out. When you turn it back on, the
monster will be right in front of you.)
15. Never over-estimate yourself.
16. Never under-estimate the killer. Know your weaknesses and strengths because those will be the things that gets you killed.
17. Remember you have a cell phone. Charge it. Use it. For some unknown reason, everyone
ALWAYS forgets that. Or they don't have service. The phones in the house are always cut or disconnected.
18. If the killer is inside the house, NEVER, I repeat NEVER run up the stairs. You will get trapped and killed either by the killer, or from jumping out a window because you're trapped. Remember,
all exits are DOWNSTAIRS.
19. If you've just moved into a new house and found disturbing history about it, please move out. If you insist on staying, do not explore the attics or basement. (I told you to stay away from those!)
20. Before moving into a house, ask why it's sold so cheap.
21. If a meteor hits your town, move far away.
22. If there's a group of children in your town who keep to themselves and seem smarter than the adults around, move far away.
23. When you're running away from the killer, don't go in the woods. They always know the woods better than you.
24. Expect the unexpected. ( I don't know why I said that. It just sounded cool.)
25. It's dangerous to brush your teeth. When you bend down over the sink, never look back up at the mirror. The killer will be standing right behind you.
26. The bathtub is also dangerous. The killer always gets you when you're showering (that pervert!)
Smelling bad beats getting killed.
27. You know what? Just avoid bathrooms in general.
28. Don't read old books out loud. You're actually summoning things from the dead.
29. If people speak to you fluently in old tongues (like latin) when you know they're not multilingual, RUN! (but not toward the hills.)
30. Run away from people when their voice changes to a low monotone unexpectedly.
31. Don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. No matter how fun it is.
32. Don't stand on, beside, near, on top of, underneath, inside, or close to crypts/tombstones.
33. I don't know if you should avoid cemeteries or not....It seems like a bad idea. Yet it is SO obvious no one expects it. Although, if you enjoy hanging out in local cemeteries, you are probably more scary than the killer.
34. That noise you just heard? It's not the cat.
35. Don't fool around with DNA technology.
36. Don't steal things from the dead. No matter how shiny it is.
37. Wear running shoes at all times (except when showering.)
38. Wait, I told you not to shower, remember?!! (re-read rule # 26)
39. When you're running, never look back. People have a bad habit of doing that. You will trip and get slaughtered like bacon.
40. Don't laugh at how slow the killer is moving (even if they're crawling at a snail's pace), they always catch up to you.
41. Stay alert if you're in Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, Connecticut, Maine, Miami beach, or Rhode Island.
42. Don't be afraid of the creepy old dude. They usually offer helpful advice to the main character
(assuming you're the main character.)
43. I forgot to mention, if you're not the main character or his/her lover, you're dead.
44. Whenever you get into a vehicle, rememeber that you always have to crank the engine a few times before it works.
45. Keep your eyes on the gas meter. If you run out of gas, don't go up to the old mansion/shack for help. Those places always happen to be nearby for a reason: death. Sorry about being so negative.
46. Always check the back seat.
47. Don't pick up hitch-hikers, no matter how good looking and charming they are. Let the next moron give them a ride.
48. Don't trust people carrying chainsaws, hedge trimmers, scissors, knives, torches, saws, dead
corpses, old books, crosses, hatchets, axes, or staple guns.
49. Don't search the house if the lights have gone out.
50. When the lights have gone out, please don't light a match.
51. Don't go into the basement to find the generator either.
52. Your first instinct should never be to look in the basement/attic. (I told you to stay away from those!)
53. Don't babysit (sometimes the kids are worse than the monster.) But if you are babysitting and
the phone rings and there's no answer, RUN out the door.
54. Avoid summer camp (unless it's How to Survive a Horror Movie camp)
55. If someone dares you to spend the night in a haunted place ALONE, do the right thing. Stand up
and yell "I'm a chicken!" and refuse to do it.
56. Stay away from eggs. You don't know what they will hatch into.
57. Never bully anyone in school. In case someone decides to go on a psychotic shooting rampage, they may decide to spare your life.
58. The jocks, cheerleaders, jokesters, school principal and basically all popular kids usually don't survive...
59. The nerds/loners are usually the killers and/or the survivors...The most average guy/girl is usually the main character.
60. Never go back for something you dropped. You can always buy another one, but you can't buy back life.
61. Stay away from the circus.
62. Beware the clowns.
63. Stay away from all dolls. Especially ones with porcelain skin.
64. Friday the 13th is not the best day for camping.
65. Run whenever you hear heavy breathing.
66. If you're driving and you hit someone, keep on driving. Chances are, the body won't be there when you get out of the car so why bother? (Just make sure you call the police and report the incident)
67. Be careful using a ouija board. Consult a professional.
68. If you're at a party and the phone rings but there's no answer, RUN! Leave the rest of them for dead.
69. Always ask people to remove their masks.
70. Don't wear masks. People may get you confused with the killer and kill you instead.
71. Always check your gun to see if it's loaded BEFORE it's an emergency.
72. Basements, closets, and attics are bad hiding places. (I told you to stay away from those!)
73. I noticed that the main character is always running for hours but end up facing the killer in the end anyways. They're wasting their energy running. Wouldn't it be easier to challenge the killer to a duel in the very beginning? Kick their ass!
74. Never say "who's there?" when you hear a strange noise. Don't expect the killer to answer "Yeah, I'm in the kitchen. What kind of sandwich do you want?"
75. Never say "I'll be right back" either.
76. Avoid bodies of water.
77. Don't ask cops for help. They never help in horror movies.
78. Kill the science freak. They always want to study "it" and genetically alter "it."
79. If YOU happen to be the science-loving freak, beware your "friends."
80. I've already told you this a few times during my zombie and bear survival guide: You don't
have to outrun it. You just have to trip your nearest buddy to buy you time.
81. If you're pretty and a virgin, stay a virgin (at least until the show's over).
82. Listen to kids. They really DID see that "strange man" or heard that "creepy noise" and that monster under the bed does exist.
83. Pay attention to the soundtrack. They warn you when someone's about to die. Of course in real life, we don't have that advantage.
84. Don't take group photos. They will be used at your funeral.
85. If you see a demon summoning ritual happening, don't just stand there and stare as you let it happen! Before they mutter the final words, barge in and interrupt "Hey guys. What's up?"
86. If you didn't stop the summoning in time, don't be around when the demon arrives. You'll ALL get killed.
87. Don't insult the leprechaun. Don't ask for his gold either.
88. Avoid hairy men during a full moon.
89. Never film anything.
90. Never watch creepy videos.
91. If animals start acting weird, it's a sign that something bad will happen.
92. If any of your friends looks like they've been infected with something, kick them out of the room and stay away.
93. If you knock on the door of an old mansion and the door creaks open by itself, DO NOT go in. Just leave a note for the owner.
94. Don't open doors to scratching, breathing or weird sounds.
95. Don't look through the peep hole to see who's on the other side of the door. Just don't.
96. Self-sacrifice is a bad idea. You can't stop the monster that way. The person you saved will die anyway.
97. Listen to the local legends. Even if they say the monster has a giant jellybean for a head, believe them.
98. Don't be an optimist. Don't mention looking forward to your loved ones or hopes. You will be
a monster magnet.
99. Always fact check all your friends. Do any of them have a mental disorder? Criminal records? Bad history? Do they even have any friends besides you?
100. If you learn that someone close to you killed a serial killer/monster in the past, cut off all relations with them. Get rid of all evidence. Move away. Deny ever knowing them (the monster/thing will come back and kill them soon, anyways).
101. Stay away from mental people who are off their meds. If you are the mental person, make sure you take your meds regularly, or you'll find out you were the killer all along in the end.
102. Beware people wearing plaid shirts.
103. Beware people wearing school uniforms.
104. Humans can not turn their heads 360 degrees.
105. Don't call the priest. He never solves the problem because the monster always finds a way.
106. Everytime you open a door, make sure you slam it against the wall. Just in case the killer was hiding behind it.
107. You could also hide behind doors and wait for the killer with a baseball bat.
108. Make sure your shoelaces are tied. No one's ever tripped on their shoelaces in a horror movie before, and you don't want to be the first.
109. If you are shooting at the monster with a machine gun, and it just keeps coming closer, don't
pull out a tiny handgun and expect THAT to work. Stop wasting time and RUN! (but not for the hills)
110. Don't watch tv. You never know what will come out of it.
111. Never invite someone into your house. See if they can enter without an invitation first.
112. If they can't enter without an invitation, slam the door in their faces and carry stakes with you at all times.
113. Remember that garlic, holy water and a stake to the heart are for vampires.
114. Silver bullets are for werewolves.
115. I already created a survival guide for zombies. Check it out.
116. Never stand in line. This is a weird rule, but trust me.
117. Listen to signs if you have a choice. If it says "Do NOT Enter", do NOT enter!
118. Always lock the doors at night. Triple check.
119. Don't scream. That's what they want you to do.
120. If you've killed the monster, always double check. Take a minute to dismember, sprinkle holy water, rip to pieces, and burn the body. Do not eat it.

Follow these tips and maybe they'll even create a sequel...

Disclaimer: Whether you're real life is a nightmare or not, this guide will help you survive most horror movie situations. Works for most monsters, killers, ghosts, werewolves, vampires (not the kind that sparkles in sunlight), ghouls, evil spirits, creepy old people, demons, psychotics, poltergeists....you get the idea. But if you ever find yourself in a japanese ghost story, you're screwed.
 
If your ipod/iphone music is at top volume but still not as loud as you like, try placing it in a glass cup. (I won't go through the scientific explanation, google will help you with that.) This is a simple but effective/weird trick.

Tips: Sounds vary from cup to cup, depending on the height and material. Works best if the cup is taller than the ipod/phone.
Warning: Make sure there is no water in the cup first. (This should be obvious, but I need to say this for some of you morons out there.)
 
Ever had a friend that always asks you for a ride? You don't have to say no and break their heart, you just have to annoy them by driving like a moron:

1. When you get in the car, stare at the pedals and say "Which one is the gas pedal again?"
2. Fill the backseat with stuffed animals. Buckle their seatbelts every time you get in the car.
3. Turn the radio on to loud classical music. Open the windows so people on the road get to
listen too. If your passenger tries to turn it off, slap their hand.
4. Talk about how much you love tomato juice the whole time. Share your experience of
the best tomato juice stores and discounts.
5. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the passenger.
6. Honk your horn at everything.
7. Swear at everyone on the road.
8. Hand the passenger a mirror and insist they hold it up while you drive so you can see the back. Don't look at the mirror.
9. When it's cold outside, refuse to close the windows. Say that you get claustrophobic.
10. Ask the person to feed you because you want to keep both hands on the wheel.
11. Ask the passenger to retrieve items from the glove box for you. When they can't find it, say "That's right. I left it in my other car."
12. Whenever you are parked, get out and walk around the car inspecting your "driving skills." Measure the lines and see how "perfectly" you were able to park. Make the passenger record the numbers.
13. When you are looking right, make sure you do so by leaning towards your passenger and leering
at them.
14. Every 5 seconds, look over you shoulder and ask "Are they still following me?"
15. Announce your every movement "I'm stopping at a red light. I'm looking to my left. I'm looking to my right."
16. Every few minutes, lift your hand off the steering wheel and (lightly) slap your passenger in the face. Apologize and say your hand fell asleep.
17. Poke your passenger every few minutes and ask "Hey, are you still alive?" Say that you're just double-checking after what happened to your last passenger....
18. Refuse to talk about what happened to your last passenger.
19. Leave the wind-shield swipers on when it's not raining.
20. When you see a large vehicle in front of your, refuse to change lanes. Wait until you're right behind the vehicle and then scream "Where the heck did this truck come from?!"
21. Ask your passenger take notes about the other drivers.
22. Talk about how bad-ass you are because you're going 1 mile/km above the speed limit.
23. Tell your passenger how much road-kill you've picked up over the years.

Disclaimer: We are not reponsible for any arrests, injuries and/or death.
 
You know that restaurant? Yeah, the one on [insert street name here] street. Always giving you bad service. If their service doesn't meet your standards, there's only 3 things to do: Lower your standards. Complain. Or annoy the waiter/waitresses:
Note: Works best if you are eating with 1 or more people.

1. If they ask you a dumb question like "Would you like a table?" Say "No. I was planning to sit on the ground. Carpet for 4 please."
2. Ask to change seats 3 times before you settle down because "the feng-shui in this place is strong. I must pick the correct seat to avoid an unbalance in the universe."
3. After reading the menu, loudly announce "I've done it. I've successfully memorized this menu in 50.6 seconds."
4. When the server comes to take your order, say "Finally! I've been waiting for 30 minutes!" If they protest that you just sat down, look at your watch and say "Ooops. Guess my watch was broken again."
5. Call everyone around your table different names every time so the waiter/waitress can't remember your names. "Joe wants to order a steak." "Can you bring Sam a glass of water?" "Hey Bob, the steak you ordered is ready."
6. Have trouble selecting between 2 items on the menu. Ask the waiter/waitress many questions about the two items. Then say "Oh my god! This is too complicated...You know what? I'll just take a grilled cheese."
7. Insist that you must eat your dessert first because "the world can end at any moment. I don't want to be deprived of my one joy in life before then."
8. Order a diet water.
9. Say you are on a diet. Order all desserts. (I've actually seen lots of people doing this...)
10. Speak in a posh british accent "I want to order your most expensive meal stuffed inside your second most expensive meal."
11. Ask them if the ingredients are organically grown. Show interest and ask questions: Where? How? When? Really? Then what happens? Now that's just silly.
12. Order a complicated meal. "I want a spaghetti with 8.5 meatballs. It must be covered with a few slices of Mozzarella di Bufala cut in 45 degree increments spread out and sprinkled with parmigiano cheese."
13. Order disgusting things. "I want a coffee hotter than Texas mule butt. If there's any foam on top, please blow it off with a fart."
14. Change your accent every time the waiter/waitress comes around.
15. After they deliver your food, switch the plates with the people around your table. Take one bite out of it, then switch the plates again. (I always do this.)
16. Everytime they deliver a dish, ask them "Did you spit in this?"
17. Ask the people around you "Hey, can I taste that?"
18. Pour salt and pepper into your water. Stir. Ask them to bring you another glass of water because your glass is now "salty and brown."
19. Propose a toast every 10 minutes. Stand up, clink your glasses/drinks together and say "To successfully robbing that bank last week" "To finally getting my pet snake cremated" "To finally getting rid of that toe fungus."
20. Scratch your back with your fork. Continue eating.
21. Go to the washroom. Come back and tell your waiter/waitress "Toilet stall number 2 ran out of toilet paper... You know, those were the most comfortable toilets I've ever sat on."
22. Ask the waiter/waitress out. (Hey, you might get lucky.)
23. Ask them "Hey, where's Piazzo? The blond italian waiter, what happened to him?"
24. When the waiter/waitress is close to your table, hand your friend a portfolio and loudly whisper "Remember, deliver it to the Red Lobster by 8:06pm this Sunday. This conversation must remain
confidential."
25. Confirm with the waiter/waitress that the napkins are free. Order 14 napkins.
26. Hide your fork in your jacket. Keep telling your waiter/waitress "I don't know what happened to it. It just disappeared! Can you bring me a new fork?" Repeat. When leaving the restaurant, make sure you trip and let the fork slip out of your jacket. "Oh. So that's where it went..."
27. Go to a gourmet restaurant. At the end of the meal, say "I should've went to the fast food restaurant instead."
28. Poke the waiter/waitress with your spoon to get their attention.
29. Loudly sniff your food before eating it.
30. Tell your waiter/waitress "There's an odd number of ice cubes in my glass. This brings bad luck. Can you please place 1 more ice cube in my glass to even it out?"
31. Discuss weird things with the people at your table. "You know, my toe fungus still won't go away. I think it's getting infected."
32. In the middle of a meal, get up and tell your waiter/waitress "If you need me, I'll be in the bathroom."
33. After going to the washroom, ask the waiter/waitress "Why is it called a "restroom?" Where's the beds and sofas in there?"
34. Ask if they have a seniors discount. Then ask "Hey, can I have the mediterranean discount? What do you mean you don't have one?! This restaurant is discriminating against us mediterraneans..."
35. Look at the menu and say "What would you recommend?" Don't order what they
recommended.
36. Every time the waiter/waitress comes to your table, say "Finally!"
37. Ask for their autograph.
38. Give them your phone number and say "In case the chef ever goes nuts, quits or...you know. I'll be happy to take his/her place."
39. Tell the waiter/waitress "Oh my god. I just realized poop spelled backwards is poop!" Write the word all over a napkin to prove it.
40. When they walk by, tell them "You're going to have to stick with me. I have short-term memory loss. How long have I been here again?" Do this every 5 minutes.
41. Before eating, stick a ruler in your food and measure it. Record the numbers down on a clipboad. Inspect the dish with a magnifying glass.
42. Fill a spray bottle with water. Constantly spray the table and other people to "keep the atmosphere fresh."
43. Sit on your friend's lap and take a bite of his/her food. Move on to your next friend until you reach everyone at the table.
44. Ask your waiter/waitress to bring you a pillow because "I just recovered from a car accident and I still have butt problems. This chair is making my butt sore."
45. Wiggle your butt in the air every time before you sit down.
46. Constantly re-adjust everything at your table: forks, plates, napkins.
47. Order a soda. Whisper in the waiter/waitress' ear "Remember, we never had this conversation."
48. At the end of your meal, tell them "The faster you bring my check, the faster I will leave." They're going to leave skid marks on your face.
49. Eat the check. Ask them to bring you a new one.
50. Go to the restaurant again the next day.

Tips: Tell your friends/eating buddies that you are going to be annoying beforehand, and get them to play along. Please remember to tip your waiter/waitress generously after being such an annoying customer.
Warnings: You may get kicked out or banned from the restaurant. Maybe even arrested. So choose a restaurant you don't like.
 
It's amazing what you come up with when you want to get rid of someone. Maybe you're too nervous. Maybe you just like being an ass. Either way, here's a few extremely mean break-up lines:

1. "I think I'm allergic to you. *sneeze* Oh my god. *sneeze* I'm sorry *sneeze* this isn't working out. *sneeze* Bye."
2. "The mothership has finally returned to pick me up. I'm sorry but it may be 13.668 light years before I can return to earth. Farewell."
3. "I only dated you because you smelled like bacon and cookies...kind of reminds me of my dead grandmother....but now you just smell plain weird. And I can't deal with that."
4. "I've been seeing someone else. They told me I had to choose someone...and I decided to choose neither. I figured I'm better off without both of you. So bye."
5. "I'm sorry. I found someone better."
6. "Hey, meet [insert name here]. He/She's your new replacement."
7. "Sorry, training for the Olympics just takes up too much of my time. I can't fit you into my schedule anymore."
8. "I'm not dumping you. I'm letting you go."
9. "I ran out of dump lines so I'm just going to use something unoriginal and tell you it's over. It's not you, it's me."
10. "I'm sorry, I have to break up with you. It's best that we start seeing other people. And no, we can't be friends."
11. "I'm going to commit suicide. After dating you, hell should be a breeze."
12. "I'm actually a secret agent working for the F.E.I. I've completed my mission and I will be deported soon. Remember that what happened between us must remain confidential."
13. "My psychiatrist thinks it's best I stop seeing people...Don't worry, it's only for a little while."
14. Send them flowers with the following note: "Roses are red. Violets are blue. I just dumped the garbage, now I'm dumping you."
15. "I'm sorry. My ex just got out of prison and still has feelings for me. I'm leaving you for him/her. For your safety, please don't follow me. My ex has no problem going BACK to prison..."
16. "Sorry. Can we reschedule our date? I forgot I already have a cult meeting at the local cemetery this Friday. We're worshipping our Dark Lord, but newcomers are always welcome if you're interested..."
17. "I have to break up with you. I took an IQ test the other day and my results went down. I think your stupidity is contagious."
18. "You can't make me laugh."
19. "I have something to tell you. I was sent from the future to annihilate [insert random name here]. You cannot tell anyone about this. It could alter the fate of mankind."
20. "You're always insulting me. I can't take it anymore!!!"
21. "I'm sorry. You look too much like my grandma. I thought I liked you enough in the beginning to let it go, but it's starting to creep me out. I can't do this anymore."
22. "I just can't get past the fact that you don't like cheese. All the people I've dated in the past loved cheese. This isn't going to work."
23. "My mom told me I could do better. It's not your fault, it's my mother's."
24. Send him/her a text that says "I.L.Y" (I'm Leaving You)
25. "I'm just not feeling it."
26. "I stayed up all night arguing with my dog. We both agree that I spend too much time with you. I don't want him to feel neglected, so it's best that we take a break. Permanently."
27. "I'm going through a weird phase. The other day...I discovered antlers growing out of my butt! What do you think this means?!"
28. "I need to find myself."
29. "I don't want to lie and give you some BS excuse, so I'll just say it all out loud. Plain and clear. I hate you. You're weird, you smell funny. You're insensitive and your jokes are lame. I'm breaking up with you. By the way, you're ugly too."
30. "I might have liked you in the past, but those feelings are LONG gone now."
31. "I've changed. I don't need you anymore."
32. "I think it's time you know the truth...I'm a vampire."
33. "Our astrology signs are not compatible, and I must follow my guiding star."
34. "I don't want to waste my time. Sorry, that came out wrong. I don't want YOU to waste YOUR time anymore."
35. "I'm holding you back. You need to move on to bigger and better things."
36. "It's not you. It's me. I have problems."
37. "I just got diagnosed with extreme stupidity. I'll understand if you don't want to continue this relationship any longer."
38. "My shrink tells me I should expand my horizons. That's why I started dating other people."

Warning: Some of these lines are not guaranteed to work, depending on the level of desperate-ness of your girlfriend/boyfriend. They might not take you seriously.
Disclaimer: I am not responsible for you getting slapped or murdered for revenge. Keep in mind that
some people are sensitive and these lines are extremely hurtful. Use them at your own risk.

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