Tired of receiving calls from telemarketers selling products you don't need? Of course you are. Who wouldn't be? So print this list, stick it up next to your telephone, and use it the next time some moron calls you.
Disclaimer: I did not come up with this entire list by myself, I got a few of the lines from the internet.


1. "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU PEOPLE TO NEVER CALL ME!"
2. "Ahoy sailor!"
3. "This better be good, I'm in the middle of a boss fight."
4. "Road-kill cafe: You kill em, we grill em."
5. "City Morgue: You snuff em, we stuff em."
6. "City Morgue: You kill em, we chill em."
7. "Vampire Crematorium: You stake em, we bake em."
8. "I'm trying to defuse a bomb, WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"
9. "Suicide hotline. Please hold and an operator will be with you momentarily."
10. "Hey sexypants. Can you stop calling me at this number? My wife/husband's getting suspicious."
11. "Hello, please leave your full name, address, credit card number, social security number, and bank account number after the beep."
12. "Hello, the person you are trying to reach has died. He is currently being cremated. Please press 4 to transfer your call to Hell."
13. "Hello, psychiatric hotline. How may I help you?"
14. Perverted voice: "Hello. I've been waiting for you."
15. "Hi, I'd like to order an extra large pepperonni pizza with extra mushrooms and..."
16. "Hello, welcome to Bob's limited time offer deals. Can I interest you in a 42 inch LCD TV?"
17. "R.I.P. Military Headquarters. Permission to speak has been granted."
18. "I'm sorry. The person you are trying to call is dead. To speak to the household pet, press 1. To speak to the lawyer, press 2. To speak to the funeral director, press 3."
19. "Congratulations! You have won a free trip to Waverly Hill Asylum. Please press 3 to claim your prize, or press End to reject the call."
20. "Please visit lamecomics.weebly.com That's l-a-m-e-c-o-m-i-c-s.-w-e-e-b-l-y-.com."
21. "Thank you for wasting my phone bill. Now, how may I be of assistance?"
22. "Hello, you have reached P.A.T. Would you mind completing our questionnaire? Don't worry, it's only 203 questions and shouldn't take more than 4.5 hours."
23. "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
24. "Center of the Universe. This is God speaking. What do you want?"
25. "Ghostbusters. What is your emergency?"
26. "Hello?....Holy crap! Bob, is it really you? HOW ARE YOU?!!! I thought you died!"
27. "Hey Timothy. How'd that bank robbery go last night?.......Oops, let's pretend we never had 
this conversation heh heh..."
28. "Don't worry! I SAID I'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING!" *end call*
29. "Hang on, I'm doing something REALLY important. Please hold." (Just leave the phone until they hang up.)
30. "Heeeey, Mom...I-I sw-swear to drunk I'm n-not god..."
31. "Your PC is about to crash." (Some people will actually go check their computers. Morons.)
32. "Hello?..Oh my god! A female! Will you marry me?!!"
33. "Hello, this is Rogers television. Have we got a deal for you! Would you like to buy our special monthly family pack? Over 200 channels for just $269/month!"
34. "Hold on a minute! I'm not done burying the body yet! Just let me finish before the cops come and I'll get back to you! Geez, people these days."
35. "Where are you calling from? The other side of the planet?! It's 4 a.m. here."
36. "Hello, CIA headquarters. Please hold while we trace your call."
37. "This is Madame Granias. Would you like your fortune read?"
38. "Hey, wanna hear a cool noise?" (hang up)
39. "Hey Joe. So did you get the money or not?! Well, you better deliver it to the red lobster by midnight! You know what the mob does to people who are tardy...You saw what happened to Timothy."
40. If they are talking in English, say "I don't speak Italian, sorry."
41. Ask them "Can you speak Chinese?". If they say yes, start asking them to translate weird stuff for you. If they say no, say "Useless mortals these days..." (hang up)
42. "I'm blind. Can you repeat that?"
43. "Hi. Thank you for calling J.A.T. Justice Against Telemarketers. Please leave your name, address,
social security number, and we'll get back to you. Together, we can destroy those telemarketers."
44. "Welcome to Bob's Ice Cream Parlour, the home of 57 flavours. If you can name 57 flavours in 57 seconds, you will win a lifetime supply of free ice cream. Start now."
45. "The person you're looking for is in the bathroom taking a dump. Might take some time....I saw him/her take a laptop in there."
46. ".....You have 7 days." *hang up*
47. When the telemarketer is in the middle of advertising a product, turn up some music. Then yell out "Sorry, I can't hear you!" Turn the music up louder.
48. "How'd you get this number?! How do you know my name?! You're not Bob, are
you?! You're not one of them, are you?!! They sent you for me, didn't they?! DIDN'T THEY?! Who else knows about this number?!!"
49. "I'm sorry. The person you're looking for was recently eaten by a whale." (Burst into tears)
50. "Joe? Is that you? We have to get rid of the body fast. Did you find the chainsaw or
not?"
51. "Stop kidding around Joe. I know it's you. Pay attention, this is important."
52. "Bob's Sperm Bank. You make it, we pack it! This is Samantha, how may I help you?"
53. "Ron's whore house. Ron's not here, this is the whore. How may I help you?"
54. Repeat everything they say. When they ask, say you are training to become a telemarketer.
55. *Sexy voice* "Ok. I'd love to listen to you. But just so you know, I'm not wearing any clothes."
56. "Do you know how to get out goat blood from a carpet? How about human blood?"
57. "Do you know how many men it takes to change a roll of toilet paper?!! I wouldn't know! It's never happened!" (hang up)
58. "Sure I'll listen to you speak. But just so you know, I'm naked."
59. "Oh hey, Grandpa! How's the meds working?"
60. "Did you not enjoy our date last night? I've been waiting for HOURS for you to call!"
61. "......lamecomics.weebly.com"
62. "Hang on a moment!" (put a loud car chase scene on the TV.)
63. "Thank god you called! This is REALLY important. It's a life or death situation! To diffuse a bomb, which wire do you cut?"
64. "Can you call me back? I need to speak with my parole officer first."
65. "I'm under house arrest. I'm not supposed to speak to anyone."
66. "Hey, are you a travelling agency? Great! I'm a pothead. I need a ticket to Columbia. You know how to get in touch with drug lords?"
67. "I'd love to buy a ticket to ____, but I just bought a private jet."
68. "Can I get a ticket to the North Pole then? I want to see Santa's workshop."
69. "Travel my ass! I'm broke and I can't even afford a tuna sandwich!"
70. "You're selling insurance? Insurance?! I didn't know you needed insurance for a cardboard box."
71. "No thanks. It's almost time for my execution day. I won't be needing any insurance."
72. "I could sure use some insurance. I have 14 death threats against me!"
73. "Sure, both my arms and legs are insured. How about insurance for my butt too?"
74. "Thank god. I just maxed out my other 14 cards and still need a kidney.
75. "Sure, my dog's already got a credit card. I'll get my fish one too."
76. "I don't have any friends..." *sob* "I won't be needing your phone plans." *sob* "I've got no one to call."
77. "A new phone plan? Anything further than Neptune gets a little fuzzy. Can you do better?"
78. "I'm not supposed to phone anyone. It's against my religion."
79. "Sorry. I'm under house arrest. I'm not supposed to contact anyone....I murdered a telemarketer."
80. "Buy your products?! Does it look like I can afford to afford?"

So you've just found out that a serial killer has escaped from a nearby prison. The first thing you did was open a portal to the underworld and unleased demons from Hell. Then you also
participated in a Seance that went wrong and  decided to watch a creepy video involving 7 days. You're now stuck in a smelly room with drunk teenagers while the phone keeps ringing and a hairy man is knocking on the door. It's obvious: You're stuck in a horror movie.
We've all watched horror movies and wanted to slap the characters and say "I would do SO much better than that!" But can you really survive?

1. First of all, make sure you really are in a horror situation. Jump around, slap your butt and scream "Pork chops and bacon sauce!" If you're not in a horror movie, nothing will happen. If you ARE, then the killer may die of laughter. If you do end up getting killed, at least you were part of the funniest horror deaths ever.
2. Remember to carry these items with you at all times: flashlight (extra batteries), garlic, silver bullets, gun, knife, wooden stake, matches, and holy water.
3. Resist the sudden urge to investigate. You're wasting your energy. You don't  have to find the killer, they will come to you.
4. Don't barricade your doors/windows. They always find a way in, and you just blocked all your exits.
5. Stay alert. Drink coffee and don't fall asleep. The killer/thing could jump out at ANY time (even right now...)
6. Be cautious when walking around doors, windows, closets, shower curtains, beds, and mirrors.
7. Beware reflective surfaces.
8. Don't do drugs, alcohol or s*x. You're sending a message that says "I want to die!"
9. As a general rule, avoid places like forests, old hospitals, basements, attics, farms, caves,
lakes, old mansions/houses. Basically, anywhere creepy and/or abandoned (it's empty for a reason). Stick to happy places with rainbows, puppies and unicorns without horns.
10. If you are in a group, DO NOT split up.
11. If you are in a group and one member does not come back, don't go looking for them. They can take care of themselves.
12. If the guy with too much testosterone wants to "check it out" and "investigate that noise," just let him. It will buy everyone else time to escape.
13. Don't go in the closet. Especially one with a lone hanging lightbulb.
14. Actually, just stay away from places with lone hanging lightbulbs in general. You know what happens. (Just in case you don't know: the lightbulb always goes out. When you turn it back on, the
monster will be right in front of you.)
15. Never over-estimate yourself.
16. Never under-estimate the killer. Know your weaknesses and strengths because those will be the things that gets you killed.
17. Remember you have a cell phone. Charge it. Use it. For some unknown reason, everyone
ALWAYS forgets that. Or they don't have service. The phones in the house are always cut or disconnected.

18. If the killer is inside the house, NEVER, I repeat NEVER run up the stairs. You will get trapped and killed either by the killer, or from jumping out a window because you're trapped. Remember,
all exits are DOWNSTAIRS.
19. If you've just moved into a new house and found disturbing history about it, please move out. If you insist on staying, do not explore the attics or basement. (I told you to stay away from those!)
20. Before moving into a house, ask why it's sold so cheap.
21. If a meteor hits your town, move far away.
22. If there's a group of children in your town who keep to themselves and seem smarter than the adults around, move far away.
23. When you're running away from the killer, don't go in the woods. They always know the woods better than you.
24. Expect the unexpected. ( I don't know why I said that. It just sounded cool.)
25. It's dangerous to brush your teeth. When you bend down over the sink, never look back up at the mirror. The killer will be standing right behind you.
26. The bathtub is also dangerous. The killer always gets you when you're showering (that pervert!)
Smelling bad beats getting killed.
27. You know what? Just avoid bathrooms in general.
28. Don't read old books out loud. You're actually summoning things from the dead.
29. If people speak to you fluently in old tongues (like latin) when you know they're not multilingual, RUN! (but not toward the hills.)
30. Run away from people when their voice changes to a low monotone unexpectedly.
31. Don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. No matter how fun it is.
32. Don't stand on, beside, near, on top of, underneath, inside, or close to crypts/tombstones.
33. I don't know if you should avoid cemeteries or not....It seems like a bad idea. Yet it is SO obvious no one expects it. Although, if you enjoy hanging out in local cemeteries, you are probably more scary than the killer.
34. That noise you just heard? It's not the cat.
35. Don't fool around with DNA technology.
36. Don't steal things from the dead. No matter how shiny it is.
37. Wear running shoes at all times (except when showering.)
38. Wait, I told you not to shower, remember?!! (re-read rule # 26)
39. When you're running, never look back. People have a bad habit of doing that. You will trip and get slaughtered like bacon.
40. Don't laugh at how slow the killer is moving (even if they're crawling at a snail's pace), they always catch up to you.
41. Stay alert if you're in Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, Connecticut, Maine, Miami beach, or Rhode Island.
42. Don't be afraid of the creepy old dude. They usually offer helpful advice to the main character
(assuming you're the main character.)
43. I forgot to mention, if you're not the main character or his/her lover, you're dead.
44. Whenever you get into a vehicle, rememeber that you always have to crank the engine a few times before it works.
45. Keep your eyes on the gas meter. If you run out of gas, don't go up to the old mansion/shack for help. Those places always happen to be nearby for a reason: death. Sorry about being so negative.
46. Always check the back seat.
47. Don't pick up hitch-hikers, no matter how good looking and charming they are. Let the next moron give them a ride.
48. Don't trust people carrying chainsaws, hedge trimmers, scissors, knives, torches, saws, dead
corpses, old books, crosses, hatchets, axes, or staple guns.
49. Don't search the house if the lights have gone out.
50. When the lights have gone out, please don't light a match.
51. Don't go into the basement to find the generator either.
52. Your first instinct should never be to look in the basement/attic. (I told you to stay away from those!)
53. Don't babysit (sometimes the kids are worse than the monster.) But if you are babysitting and
the phone rings and there's no answer, RUN out the door.
54. Avoid summer camp (unless it's How to Survive a Horror Movie camp)
55. If someone dares you to spend the night in a haunted place ALONE, do the right thing. Stand up
and yell "I'm a chicken!" and refuse to do it.
56. Stay away from eggs. You don't know what they will hatch into.
57. Never bully anyone in school. In case someone decides to go on a psychotic shooting rampage, they may decide to spare your life.
58. The jocks, cheerleaders, jokesters, school principal and basically all popular kids usually don't survive...
59. The nerds/loners are usually the killers and/or the survivors...The most average guy/girl is usually the main character.
60. Never go back for something you dropped. You can always buy another one, but you can't buy back life.
61. Stay away from the circus.
62. Beware the clowns.
63. Stay away from all dolls. Especially ones with porcelain skin.
64. Friday the 13th is not the best day for camping.

65. Run whenever you hear heavy breathing.
66. If you're driving and you hit someone, keep on driving. Chances are, the body won't be there when you get out of the car so why bother? (Just make sure you call the police and report the incident)
67. Be careful using a ouija board. Consult a professional.
68. If you're at a party and the phone rings but there's no answer, RUN! Leave the rest of them for dead.
69. Always ask people to remove their masks.
70. Don't wear masks. People may get you confused with the killer and kill you instead.
71. Always check your gun to see if it's loaded BEFORE it's an emergency.
72. Basements, closets, and attics are bad hiding places. (I told you to stay away from those!)
73. I noticed that the main character is always running for hours but end up facing the killer in the end anyways. They're wasting their energy running. Wouldn't it be easier to challenge the killer to a duel in the very beginning? Kick their ass!
74. Never say "who's there?" when you hear a strange noise. Don't expect the killer to answer "Yeah, I'm in the kitchen. What kind of sandwich do you want?"
75. Never say "I'll be right back" either.
76. Avoid bodies of water.
77. Don't ask cops for help. They never help in horror movies.
78. Kill the science freak. They always want to study "it" and genetically alter "it."
79. If YOU happen to be the science-loving freak, beware your "friends."
80. I've already told you this a few times during my zombie and bear survival guide: You don't
have to outrun it. You just have to trip your nearest buddy to buy you time.
81. If you're pretty and a virgin, stay a virgin (at least until the show's over).
82. Listen to kids. They really DID see that "strange man" or heard that "creepy noise" and that monster under the bed does exist.
83. Pay attention to the soundtrack. They warn you when someone's about to die. Of course in real life, we don't have that advantage.
84. Don't take group photos. They will be used at your funeral.
85. If you see a demon summoning ritual happening, don't just stand there and stare as you let it happen! Before they mutter the final words, barge in and interrupt "Hey guys. What's up?"
86. If you didn't stop the summoning in time, don't be around when the demon arrives. You'll ALL get killed.
87. Don't insult the leprechaun. Don't ask for his gold either.
88. Avoid hairy men during a full moon.
89. Never film anything.
90. Never watch creepy videos.
91. If animals start acting weird, it's a sign that something bad will happen.
92. If any of your friends looks like they've been infected with something, kick them out of the room and stay away.
93. If you knock on the door of an old mansion and the door creaks open by itself, DO NOT go in. Just leave a note for the owner.
94. Don't open doors to scratching, breathing or weird sounds.
95. Don't look through the peep hole to see who's on the other side of the door. Just don't.
96. Self-sacrifice is a bad idea. You can't stop the monster that way. The person you saved will die anyway.
97. Listen to the local legends. Even if they say the monster has a giant jellybean for a head, believe them.
98. Don't be an optimist. Don't mention looking forward to your loved ones or hopes. You will be
a monster magnet.
99. Always fact check all your friends. Do any of them have a mental disorder? Criminal records? Bad history? Do they even have any friends besides you?
100. If you learn that someone close to you killed a serial killer/monster in the past, cut off all relations with them. Get rid of all evidence. Move away. Deny ever knowing them (the monster/thing will come back and kill them soon, anyways).
101. Stay away from mental people who are off their meds. If you are the mental person, make sure you take your meds regularly, or you'll find out you were the killer all along in the end.
102. Beware people wearing plaid shirts.
103. Beware people wearing school uniforms.
104. Humans can not turn their heads 360 degrees.
105. Don't call the priest. He never solves the problem because the monster always finds a way.
106. Everytime you open a door, make sure you slam it against the wall. Just in case the killer was hiding behind it.
107. You could also hide behind doors and wait for the killer with a baseball bat.
108. Make sure your shoelaces are tied. No one's ever tripped on their shoelaces in a horror movie before, and you don't want to be the first.
109. If you are shooting at the monster with a machine gun, and it just keeps coming closer, don't
pull out a tiny handgun and expect THAT to work. Stop wasting time and RUN! (but not for the hills)
110. Don't watch tv. You never know what will come out of it.
111. Never invite someone into your house. See if they can enter without an invitation first.
112. If they can't enter without an invitation, slam the door in their faces and carry stakes with you at all times.
113. Remember that garlic, holy water and a stake to the heart are for vampires.
114. Silver bullets are for werewolves.
115. I already created a survival guide for zombies. Check it out.
116. Never stand in line. This is a weird rule, but trust me.
117. Listen to signs if you have a choice. If it says "Do NOT Enter", do NOT enter!
118. Always lock the doors at night. Triple check.
119. Don't scream. That's what they want you to do.
120. If you've killed the monster, always double check. Take a minute to dismember, sprinkle holy water, rip to pieces, and burn the body. Do not eat it.

Follow these tips and maybe they'll even create a sequel...

Disclaimer: Whether you're real life is a nightmare or not, this guide will help you survive most horror movie situations. Works for most monsters, killers, ghosts, werewolves, vampires (not the kind that sparkles in sunlight), ghouls, evil spirits, creepy old people, demons, psychotics, poltergeists....you get the idea. But if you ever find yourself in a japanese ghost story, you're screwed.