When he comes down the chimney...

1. "Accidentally" leave your fireplace on.
2. Leave him a bowl of salad instead of cookies and milk, with a note explaining "I think you could lose a few pounds."
3. Ask him why he can't just use the front door like a normal person. It's unlocked.
4. Leave a note saying you've gone on vacation. Ask him if he could water your plants.
5. Leave a note saying you want to rent a house-elf for Christmas to clean up after the parties.
6. Set a bear trap in the room.
7. Ask him for an autograph.
8. Try to buy a reindeer for your Taxidermy collection.
9. Leave a note saying you moved. Leave hints and send him on a scavenger hunt all over town to find your "new" house.
10. Tie him down and ask for his whole life story. Don't let him leave until you collect enough "research" for your new book.
11. Ask him what's in the burlap sack.
12. Sit on his lap and tell him in excruciating detail your whole life story and how you've tried to be good.
13. Ask him if you could have a bag of coal for your new barbeque grill.
14. Ask him how much he makes per hour.
15. Ask him how's the weather at the North Pole.
16. Ask him exactly how old is he. Find out his diet plan and how he lived such a long life from eating candy canes and cookies.
17. Show him your resume and explain you'd like a job at the Santa workshop.

Are you the type who loves messing with the authority? If yes, then here's some new ideas. If not, then it's time to try something new:

1. "Where'd you buy that cool uniform?"
2. "I thought you had to be in relatively good shape to be a police officer."
3. If you get pulled over, say "I swear to drunk I'm not god."
4. When he/she talks to you, pretend to be deaf. Ask them "Can you speak louder? Sorry, I still can't hear you." Get them to stand directly beside you and yell in your ear. Then say "You don't have to yell! I'm right beside you!"
5. Keep forgetting things. Tell them "Sorry, I have short-term memory loss. You're going to have to bear with me."
6. Bride them with donuts.
7. If you have to sign a ticket, scratch your butt first. Then use the same hand to pick up his/her pen.
8. Leer at his badge and say "Where'd you get that badge? Summer camp?"
9. Walk by them and mutter "morons."
10. Try to rent their uniform for a costume party.
11. Ask them if they get discounts when buying donuts. Ask them "Can you buy a box for me? I'll love you forever."
12. Say "Isn't freedom great? I just got out of prison last week."
13. Say "Wanna hear the never-ending song? It goes like this..."
14. Speak in a different accent every sentence.
15. Ask them if they want to see your tangazanga.
16. Say "Hey, I remember you! Aren't you the one who arrested my mom last week?.....Please make sure she stays locked up."
17. Ask them a bunch of stupid questions about what's legal and what's not legal. ("Is it legal to paint my room Terrorist Green?"etc.)
18. Ask them how long will you be arrested for slapping a police officer.
19. Walk up to a cop and whisper in their ear "Listen closely. See that guy over there? Yeah, that guy! Yeah... I saw him eating expired donuts the other day. EXPIRED!"
20. "Hey jackass. I mean, hello Sir. Can you tell me the closest way to the supermarket?"
21. Walk up to a cop and say "Hey, you're the officer that arrested me last year. Yeah...good times eh?"
22. Call the officer "Clyde" even though it's not their name. If they correct you, apologize. Keep calling them Clyde.
23. Ask them if they can drive you home because you're tired and part of the community. Isn't it their job to help the community?

Warning: May get you arrested.

The title is self-explanatory. (Translation: I'm too lazy to write an intro.)

1. You tell them you don't want to be friends but they keep talking to you.
2. They keep asking you personal questions (especially questions about your relationships).
3. They have your phone number, address, or email even though you're just acquaintances.
4. You often see them around your workplace/neighborhood even though you know they don't live/work there.
5. You start seeing them around town often, during grocery shopping or something (exception: You live in a small town.)
6. They're always staring at you. One way to test this is to look bored, and then quickly glance at the clock and look back at them. (If they are watching you, they will automatically follow your eye movements and you will catch them staring.)
7. Their phone is always facing you when they're "texting" (They're probably secretly taking pictures of you)
8. They know lots of information about you that you've never told them.
9. Your friends ask about him/her.
10. He/she asks your friends about you frequently.
11. He/she calls you regularly even though you're just casual friends. They hang-up often or leave silent messages.
12. They send you texts that don't say anything (blank spaces. And they're wasting your phone
bill.)
13. They send you inappropriate gifts (such as flowers/chocolates) even when you've told them you're not interested. The gifts get weirder. Sometimes stalkers also give gifts anonymously.
14. The stalker magically shows up whenever you need help. (This doesn't apply if they work/live in the same neighborhood as you)
15. They offer to let you borrow their stuff.
16. They get extremely depressed when you don't show affection back.
17. They always have to butt in your conversations.
18. They always embarrass you in front of others.
19. They only talk to you when no one else is nearby.
20. They're always invading your personal space (standing WAY too close).

Disclaimer: This is not 100% accurate. The person could just really like you, or they're just plain weird. Or you're the one who's being paranoid.
Warning: If you find out that the person is stalking you, record all the weird stuff they've done to you, including the date, time, place and description (in case you decide to sue them later). If they  still don't get the message, threaten to call the police. Try to have friends/colleagues/family/witnesses around you at all times.

Whatever your reason, I don't really care. Someone just asked me to do this article. So here's how to do it:

1. Say that you aren't feeling well the day before. Act tired.
2. Stay up all night so your eyes will be puffy and bloodshot the next day. You'll also be dizzy and tired.
3. Do a lot of screaming the night before so you have a sore throat the next day. If you're a good actor, you can just pretend a sore throat.
4. Lay a heating pad over your face for a few minutes to make your face red and puffy. (Be careful
not to burn yourself.)
5. Or lay on the edge of the bed with your head hanging off the side so the blood rushes to your face. Or do a handstand if you can.
6. Don't attempt to do a handstand if you can't.
7. Put a thermometer into a glass of warm water to raise its temperature. Be careful it doesn't get
too high, or else your parents/friend/roommate/sibling/boss/person will make you see a doctor.
8. Don't forget the obvious: lay a warm cloth over your forehead to make it warm.
9. Spin around the room 25 times clockwise. Then 25 times counter-clockwise to make yourself dizzy.
10. Breathe in some pepper to make yourself sneeze (make sure you hide the pepper very well).
11. Blow your nose into tissues constantly.
12. Act cranky and uncomfortable all the time. Glare at people. Don't smile.
13. Don't eat so much. Lose your appetite.
14. Act like you have difficulty breathing.
15. Wear multiple layers of clothes and stay under the bed covers until you start sweating. Say that you're cold.
16. Pinch your cheeks often to make them stay red.
17. Act clumsy and move slowly.
18. If you're really good, fake coughing.
19. Don't drink so much water. Become dehydrated. This will make your skin tone worse and create a dry throat (it's only for a day).
20. Always wait for someone else to suggest you stay home.
21. Don't act eager when they suggest you stay home. Protest a bit first (don't overdo this or else they will make you go).
22. Show signs of improvement during the day, or else they'll get suspicious.
23. Don't magically get 100% better the next day.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for injuries relating to heating pads, vomiting, screaming,
dehydration, warm water, or handstands.

Easy:

1. Make sure no one is looking.
2. Peel off all the colored stickers.
3. Re-arrange them and stick them back on.

It all boils down to who eats who the fastest to survive. Just kidding. Science and technology is advancing faster than ever. Your local population being slaughtered or getting infected by some disease that still allows the functioning of limbs doesn't sound so far fetched as it used to. I think the possibility of a zombie attack is highly unlikely (impossible), but it's always good to be prepared, right? Just in case...
(besides, I'm running out of articles to write)

1. Most important rule of all: Do NOT get bitten. (That defeats the whole purpose of survival.) But if you do... well, I'm sure your friends will be gentle killing you.
2. If you can help it, don't be fat. Exercise! Build some muscle. Practice your running. Couch potatoes: good luck.
3. Make sure you're wearing comfortable high quality running shoes at all times (except when showering). You'll be doing a lot of running. Trust us.
4. Stock up your house with canned foods, water, medical kit, matches, clothes, ammunition, and weapons. (obviously common sense)
5. Have a backup for everything: generators, batteries, weapons, ammunition, food, escape routes, friends, transportation, leaders, toothbrush etc.
6. Hopefully you already know the zombie-obsessed weirdo in your town (you know who I'm talking about). They probably have all the items/knowledge needed to prepare for a zombie attack. They may even give you some helpful items/survival strategies. Also, they're going to be the first person to recognize a zombie outbreak.
7. Watch as many zombie movies as you can before the breakout. Even if you think they're stupid, you can still learn what kind of Things Not To Do During a Zombie Apocalypse from them.
8. Know your local stores. Gun stores. Grocery stores. Pharmacy stores. Plan the quickest route to get to them.
9. Don't feel bad about stealing items during this time. (The police are too busy with survival to care.)
10. Never let your guard down. Remember to sleep with one eye open. Don't trust your team-mates (if you have any).
11. Use common sense. Never panic. (I know, easier said than done).
12. Keep a radio with you. Pay attention to the news/media. You want to know the exact situation. Knowledge is power (or something like that)
13. Get the hell out of the city. There's too many people there. It's a zombie magnet.
14. Deserted places are sometimes a good idea, sometimes not. You will run out of supplies and there won't be a store within miles.
15. Evil people usually survive pretty long. Why? They have no hesitation to kill other zombies or friends that turn into zombies. And they're selfish and good at planning.
16. By the way, don't hang out with those people. They will turn you into zombie bait.
17. Stay close to large bodies of water. Buy a boat. Zombies aren't known for their ability to swim. (Just make sure YOU know how to swim.)
18. Make sure you're familiar with different types of guns. Semi-automatic rifles are pretty good. The ammunition is cheap so you can carry a lot of it. It also gets targets at a farther range.
19. Don't forget a spare gun.
20. Keep a handgun too. (Just in case you need to kill one of your teammates. You never know.)
21. Don't forget a pocket knife. Those things usually come in handy.
22. Aim for the head. That's where the brain is.
23. ALWAYS have lots of ammunition.
24. Carry a blunt tool with you in case you break rule number 23. Best choice would be a crowbar.
25. If you don't have close friends/cherished family members, good job! You will probably survive. There's no one to hold you back.
26. If you do have friends, avoid teaming up with them. What if you end up having to kill them? (Most people can't handle that emotional trauma)
27. If you broke the previous rule and if your friends turn into zombies. Kill them immediately. Just get it over with. Hesitation only makes things harder. If you'd rather die than kill them
and turn into a zombie, why are you reading this survival guide?
28. If you absolutely can not kill your zombie friend, leave them behind and get far away from that place. Make sure they are locked up. By the way, this reduces your chance of survival (if you had a
chance).
29. Don't elect a psychopath as your leader. Don't elect bloodthirsty killing machines either. Your best choice of a leader will be a muscular athletic nerd. Good luck finding those.
30. Girls: Get a boyfriend. He may end up saving you in a sticky situation. (emphasis on the may)
31. Guys: Tough luck. (Well, maybe you'll get lucky)
32. Whenever you enter a room, the first thing you should do is kill all zombies within sight. Second, scout the room for hiding zombies. Third, plan an escape route for later.
33. Have a back-up escape route.
34. Have a back-up back-up escape route.
35. Zombies don't sleep. Stock up on coffee.
36. Make sure you get SOME sleep. If you don't, you'll end up dead.
37. If you're in a team and sleeping in shifts, keep a weapon close to you. You're teammates may be plotting your end.
38. Keep clean. Take showers. Use soap. Brush your teeth.
39. Make sure you drink enough water and don't dehydrate. (obviously)
40. Only consume things that YOU have made. Don't trust others, they may be poisoning you.
41. Do NOT eat the zombies, no matter how hungry you get. They're full of diseases and you don't know how contagious they are. Besides, they're disgusting.
42. If you have any addictions that is not recommended by a doctor, get rid of them.
43. You should already have an evacuation route to get out of your town. This isn't just useful for zombie apocalypses, it's useful for environmental disasters too. (by the way, public transportation will probably be closed during zombie apocalypses so alwayshave a working vehicle of your own.)
44. Keep an eye on your vehicle's gas meter. If you run out of gas...sucks to be you. Also carry spare tires.
45. Always run if you can. Avoid fighting. Zombies usually travel in hoards (according to TV). It will take too long to fight them all and this gives a chance for more zombies to catch up. If
you insist on fighting, plan out the  attack very carefully (hopefully with a high rank military officer).
46. When you have to fight, fight dirty.
47. And maintain distance. Never physically fight with a zombie. You'll only get bit.
48. Don't use chainsaws to fight. (Seriously, dismembering zombies is a BAD idea). Stick to the original stuff: guns, vehicles, and blunt objects.
49. If you're stuck in a room with zombies out the door, try to block the door with chairs or something first! This will buy you 5 seconds to think of a plan.
50. Fire is a great weapon.
51. Try to get a military officer and medical and healthcare expert to join you in your quest for survival.
52. Wear comfortable clothes. Long sleeve shirts AND long sleeve pants. Make sure the material of your pants is hard and won't rip easily. Don't wear too many layers, it will slow you down while runnning. Important areas to protect are the head, arms, ankles, and neck.
53. Try to carry a leather jacket with you. They protect you from the cold/wind, and don't weigh you down.
54. Remember to charge your phone.
55. Make sure you have a few "friends" beside you. You never know when you might need to use them as zombie bait.
56. If you did use them as zombie bait and they survived, RUN! They'll be looking for revenge.
57. Carry a GPS and compass with you at all times. You better have all the large roads in your town
memorized by now.
58. So you've been walking for days until you see another group of survivors. Always observe them from a distance for a while to decide if the situation is safe to approach. Approach slowly and announce yourself, keep a weapon close at hand. (Or you could sneak up and kill them all. They might have some useful supplies.)
59. Remember, if you join their group, they will not appreciate you leaving (unless you're as annoying as me). Be careful who you team up with.
60. Beware aggressive people. Their rash decisions will lead you to your death. (But they're great at killing zombies).
61. Always scout the room for things you could use as weapons.
62. When you arrive at a shelter, turn off all the lights and barricade doors/windows (remember your escape route). The place should look dead and not attract attention.
63. The best shelter is someplace that's easy to defend and provides basic necessities. Large buildings are a bad idea because there's too many entrances to guard.
64. Study and know your enemy. (Know their routines, habits, strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes etc.)
65. When you see someone being attacked by zombies, the smart thing to do would be to RUN. They're distracting the zombies long enough for you to get to your destination! Of course, saving the person would be the NICE thing to do.
66. Visit Home Depot and Walmart. They have tonnes of useful stuff. Beware, zombies tend to hang out there.
67. Avoid malls/schools and large public gatherings.
68. If you ever find yourself in a horde of zombies without a weapon, try acting like a zombie. (They're not supposed to be smart). You don't have any other options.
69. Practice your basic survival skills so you'll be ready: hunting, fishing, identifying nonpoisonous plants for food, building a fire without matches etc.
70. Hiding when zombies are knocking on your door is not a good strategy. It only buys you time, but you've got to get out of there.
71. If you are trapped in a room with zombies, you're dead.
72. Remember that zombies may not change their routine just because it's night time. Only travel in broad daylight when you can see better.
73. Remember to take a picture. (This could be a cool story to tell one day. You know, unless everyone else dies.)

Congratulations if you read this ENTIRE survival guide. You are not a lazy person (an extremely important quality needed for survival). Your chances of survival have gone up by 10%.
Lastly, Good Luck! (You'll need it.)

Disclaimer: These are only the basics. The zombie apocalypse has not happened yet, so we can not
guarantee that this survival guide works. (But it probably does).
Additional Stuff: Test your chances of survival at http://zomboid.com/zombie/ (I did not make this quiz)
Note: If you squirm at the sight of anything disgusting or faint at the sight of horror movies, don't bother. You're doomed.

Have a roommate from Hell? Want to get rid of them (please don't kill them) and get your own room? Well, prove that you can be just as difficult to live with:

1. Insist that you're a vegetarian and protest anytime they eat meat. Then leave beef jerky wrappers on the floor. If he/she asks about the wrappers, deny everything.
2. Label everything in the room with sticky notes. Explain that you need everything to be in its place
and organized. Re-arrange the furniture every Friday.
3. Everytime your roommate enters, look at your watch nervously and say "Wow. You're awfully early. You shouldn't be back yet...So when are you leaving?!"
4. Trash the room when your roommate is gone. Then leave and wait for him/her to come home. Act surprised and say "Oh no. They were back again, weren't they?"
5. One day, walk up to your roommate and kick him/her in the stomach and yell "You jerk!" and run away. A few hours later, buy him/her ice cream and say "Don't worry, I forgive you."
6. Set annoying wall-papers on your roommate's computer.
7. Research your roommate's life story. Write a full report and mail it to your roommate. Call it "How to Fail at Life."
8. Drink raw eggs every morning and explain that you're training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
9. Every Friday, pack up your stuff and say you're moving out. Come back and explain that no one was home so you're staying.
10. Wake up at 6 am every morning and yell "Help! Where am I?!!" and run around in circles. Then go back to sleep. When your roommate asks, say you have no idea what they're talking about.
11. Draw butts on everything: Your roomate's books/walls. Explain that it's your new obsession. Get a new obsession every week.
12. Buy a plant. Carry it around with you at all times. One day, have an argument with the plant. Throw out the plant but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss "that traitor" ever again.
13. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Everyday, turn the handle until the clown/joker pops out. Scream continuously for 10 minutes. Tell them you're training your vocal cords for your new death metal band.
14. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. Every time your roommate eats chicken, yell at
him/her for being a cannibal.
15. Buy a garden gnome and place it beside your bed. Get rid of it one day and accuse your roommate of stealing it.
16. Buy some knives and sharpen them every night while looking at your roommate and muttering "Soon, soon..."
17. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back, yell out "Don't
come in! I'm naked!" Make him/her wait half an hour. Then open the door to let your roommate in and take off all your clothes.
18. Place a giant picture of your roommate on the front door with the label "[insert roommate name here] lives here." Explain that you don't want your roommate to get lost or forget where they live.
19. Stick a hundred pens/pencils in a pickle. Keep it on the kitchen counter. Refuse to let your
roommate throw it out. Explain that it's "modern abstract art."
20. Fake a serious illlness for two weeks. Write out a Will leaving 2 cents for your roommate and insist they read it and understand all the fine print.
21. Live in the storage closet for 2 weeks. Then bring all your stuff back and say "Ok, your turn."
23. Keep a tarantula/snake/rat for 3 days. Then get rid of it and tell your roommate "He's got to be around here, somewhere."
24. Host a bowling tournament in your room every Friday. Give out your roommate's stuff as prizes.
When your roommate complains, say "Sorry, you can't enter. You need bowling shoes."
25. While your roommate is out, re-arrange all the furniture in his/her room. When they complain, explain you didn't enter their room and have no idea what they're talking about.
26. Buy a pet pig. If your roommate complains, hug the pig and tell him/her to respect their family.
27. Watch TV with the pig while eating lots of bacon.
28. Collect potatoes.
29. Paint faces on potatoes and name them. Name one after your roommate. One day, eat your roommate's potato and tell your roommate "I just wanted to put him out of his misery."
30. Live in a tent in your room. Tell your roommate to bring you food and water. Refuse to go outside and say "They're still out there."
31. Place a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it in fear. Every time you enter the room, open the door a crack and whisper "Hey, is it gone?!"
32. Throw darts at a picture of your roommate.
33. Call your roommate "Cart" by accident. Start doing this more often until you're calling your roommate "Cart" all the time. When your roommate gets angry, say "Sorry, Sam." Repeat this process with "Sam"
34. Accidentally break one of your roommate's pocessions. Apologize profusely and say "You're not going to kill me, are you?" Hire a bodyguard to guard you while you sleep.
35. Start sewing at night. One day, grab your thumb and yell "OWWW!!!" Cry for a few minutes and then go to bed. Make sure your roommate hears you sniffling and sobbing all night. Start sewing again the next night.
36. When your roommate comes in, pretend to be screaming profanities and cuss words into the phone. Then slam the phone down and say "Oh hi. That was your mom...she'll call you back."
37. When your roommate comes in, turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, yell loudly "She/he left! You guys can come out now!"
38. Start wearing a crown. Insist that your roommate call you "Your Highness", "Your Majesty", or "O Great One." Only respond to those names.
39. Beg your roommate to play chess with you. Let them make the first move. Sit and stare at the board for a few minutes. Stand up and yell "I forfeit!" Ask them to play chess with you again the next day.
40. Talk back to your cereal in the morning. Then suddenly, act offended. Throw the bowl of cereal across the room. Refuse to clean it up, saying "I want to watch them suffer!"
41. Change the locks on the door. Change the locks often. Refuse to let your roommate in unless they say the "secret password." Change the secret password often.
42. Place stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them and play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music and lights and go to bed.
43. Butter the floors every morning.
44. Order take-out food. Act confused when the delivery boy/girl arrives. Insist that your roommate ordered the food. Make your roommate pay.
45. Buy a hamster. Bring the hamster lots of food. Throw your roommate's stuff out the window. Say the hamster told you to do it.
46. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, say that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered the kitchen. Refuse to let your roommate into the kitchen. If your roommate accepts the duel, hide in the bathroom for hours and refuse to let your roommate enter.
47. Sign your roommate up for spam mail.
48. Start living in the bathroom. Refuse to let your roommate use it, because it's "your" room and they must respect your privacy.
49. Turn up the radio to loud classical music everyday.
50. Buy/adopt a black cat. Name it "the Chosen One." Let the cat sit on the couch and refuse to let your roommate sit. When your roommate complains, insist that "the Chosen One" not be disturbed
because it could alter the fate of mankind.
51. Let the cat sleep in your roommate's bed. When your roommate complains, say they have
offended "the Chosen One." Bring the cat back to the pet store and tell your roommate it left to "the Other world."
52. Hit your roommate on the head with rolled up magazines every 5 minutes. Say you're trying to hit the fly.
53. Label a jar "Dancing beans." Eat them and start dancing. The next day, label the jar of beans "Kill your roommate beans." Eat them.
54. Buy a lamp. Say that the lamp has a genie in it. Obnoxiously brag to your roommate about what you're going to wish for. At the end of the month, act disappointed that "the genie expired."
55. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch them. After 2 weeks, say that you can't take it anymore and insist on showing them the proper way to brush their teeth.
56. Decorate the place with pictures of you, everywhere.
57. Place a gigantic picture of William Shakespeare by the front door. Refuse to take it down, saying that it's your great great great great grandfather. Start speaking in old english for the next 3 weeks.
58. Read the phone book out loud when your roommate is sleeping.
59. Ask your roommate about their medical plan. If they ask why, just say "Accidents happen."
Snicker.
60. Put up flyers around the building advertising your roommate as a Babysitter.
61. Buy a watermelon. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. Drop the watermelon out the window the next day. Accuse your roommate of driving the watermelon to suicide. Invite him/her to the funeral.
62. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say "Don't worry. It's not what you think."
63. Leave messages on your roommate's bed in blood red ink. Write messages such as "I know what you did last summer" and "I've got my eyes on you." Insist that you don't know how the messages got there.
64. Make cue cards of dialogue. Whenever your roommate talks, get out the cue cards and read from there.
65. Stare at your roommate from across the room with binoculars. Record notes and observations. Leave the notes beside your roommate's bed labelled as "My science experiment"
66. Watch "Psycho" everyday for a month.
67. Tell your roommate you just want to be "friends" and don't appreciate their advances. Insist that you know you're "irresistible", but they've got to try.
68. Hide alarm clocks all over your roommate's room. Set them to go off at 15 second intervals. Wake them up at 5 am using this method.
69. Buy frozen meals and leave them under a lamp. When your roommate says it will spoil, tell them "I know what I'm doing." Then empty the containers so it looks like you ate it. Pretend to be ill. Do this 2 times a week.
70. As soon as your roommate turns off the light at night, turn up famous opera music on the radio. Say it helps you sleep, and would your roommate rather have you stay up all night telling them your life story? Because you're prepared.
71. Drink lots of lemon juice everyday. Talk obnoxiously about how much you love lemon juice. Send your roommate cards expressing your love for lemon juice. Then one day, "discover" tomato juice. Repeat the process with tomato juice.
72. Start conversations with your roommate that begin with "Remember the good old days when we used to..." and make up stories involving you, your roommate and "Bob."
73. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Throw peanuts at your roomate, then say "Wow. These zoos aren't what they used to be."
74. Put a bandage on your forehead. Then next day, put a bandage on your nose. Add an extra bandage everyday. Refuse to discuss how you got hurt.
75. Make pancakes every morning and draw weird faces on them. Don't eat them. Throw them in your roommate's closet. Insist that you have no idea how they got there.
76. Put out a plate of cookies in the middle of the room. Tell your roommate they're for Santa. Eat one of the cookies at night. The next day, accuse your roommate of eating one of the cookies. If your roommate says Santa ate it, tell your roommate you don't believe in Santa. Throw the room apart looking for the cookie.
77. Write "I am a moron" on your roommate's stomach while they're sleeping. Say you have no
idea how it got there.
78. Whenever your roommate has guestsover, walk through the front door and loudly announce "I got that anti-itch cream you wanted. Extra large."
79. Write a cheesy romance novel with your roommate as the main character. Have the main character die a tragic death. Mail the story to your roommate and their friends/co workers.
80. Draw pictures of your roommate. Label them "Most Obnoxious Roommate on Earth." Put the picture on your roommate's door.
81. Put a sign on your door that says "Best Roommate on Earth."
82. Wrap a jar of pickles. Leave it on your roommate's bed with a note saying "From: You know who."
83. Eat everything in the fridge, including your roommate's food. Complain to your roommate and accuse them of eating your food.
84. Label all the food in the fridge as "Dangerous" or "Do Not Eat" or "Toxic Waste." Label one item as "Drink me." Lace this with laxatives.
85. Always start conversations with "Did you know..." and insert false outrageous info.
86. Shake your roommate and yell at them to wake up in the middle of the night. Say it's an emergency. When they finally wake up,  calmly whisper "Do you have a highlighter I can borrow?"
87. Slide into your roommate's bed in the middle of the night. When they wake up, act extremely surprised and yell "How the hell did I get here?!"
88. Every time you have to sneeze, walk over to your roommate and sneeze in their face. Apologize.
89. Take pictures of your roommate during the day, make sure they don't see you. Send them the picture at night labelled as "I know what you did today."
90. Act completely normal for one day. When your roommate asks, say the doctor put you off your meds.
91. Have an intense make-out session with someone in front of the door. Purposely block the door. Ignore your roommate when they try to use the door.
92. Ask your roommate to play hide-n-seek with you. Tell your roommate to hide. Don't look for them. When they come back, say "Aw...I thought that would get rid of you, permanently."
93. Replace the salt with sugar.
94. Constantly ask your roommate their birth date. Say you suffer from short term memory loss.
95. Secretly take a photo of your roommate. Show them the photo later and convince them you saw this person on the street. Convince them it may be their long lost twin.
96. Every time your roommate coughs, excitedly say "Ooh, are you dying?"
97. Vacuum the place. Put all the dust in your roommate's room. Tell them "Looks like the dust devils are at it again."
98. Wear a Halloween mask every friday. Say it's a family tradition.
99. Hide one of your roommate's most prized possession. Write down obvious clues and lead them on a treasure hunt all over town. Place the possession in the most obvious spot later (inside the
fridge).
100. Place one of their belongings in jello. Leave it on the kitchen table with a note that says "Happy Breakfast!"
101. Give your roommate something they really want. Say "Happy Birthday!" even though it's not
their birthday. When your roommate gets excited, act embarrassed and apologize for accidentally getting the presents mixed up with Sheila's, who also has a birthday on the same day. Give them their real present (a jar of "magic" pickles)
102. Give your roommate a book called "How to Make Friends" or something similar. Tell them "When I saw this in the book store, I immediately thought of you."
103. Constantly ask your roommate "So, when are you leaving?"
104. Recommend that your roommate change the toothpaste they use. Say that in your past life, you were a dental expert.
105. When your roommate is brushing their teeth, burst into the bathroom and stop them. Act horrified and say "I used your toothbrush to clean the toilet this morning. I was going to tell you..."
106. Write down a plan to kill your roommate. Place it in a spot where your roommate can see it. When your roommate asks, say it's for your Creative Writing class.
107. Suddenly yell out "Die you fat evil pig!" from another room. When your roommate checks, say you have no idea what they're talking about. Repeat.
108. Constantly ask your roommate to join "the Dark Side." Bribe your roommate with things like "The dark side's got ice cream."
109. Whenever you walk into the room, look at your roommate and act disappointed "Oh, you're still
here?"
110. Ask your roommate what "Sticky Keys" are. Keep asking until they offer a reasonable explanation.
111. If yourroommate reads books, always rip out the last page. Make your roommate do chores
for you to get the last page back.
112. "Become" a psychic. Hold seances and read tarot cards for people. Offer to tell your roommate their future. Predict horrible gruesome deaths.
112. After completing all of the steps above, snicker at your roommate every time you see them until they get paranoid. They won't know what to expect.

Disclaimer: Almost guarantees a 98% chance your roommate will move out if all these steps are completed. Do at your own risk. We are not responsible for deaths/injuries/restraining orders/you getting sued etc.

Tired of sharing elevator rides with a smelly dude or cranky old lady? Well, prove that you can be just as annoying if not more! Make it an elevator ride they'll never forget:

1. Eat a bowl of cereal.
2. When the doors close, cross your fingers and and whisper loudly "Please, please, please let me survive this trip!" Throw your hands in the air and shout "Bless the elevator gods!"
3. Yell out "Woooo!" every time the elevator moves.
4. Press all the buttons while mumbling "Is it this floor? No, oops! Wait, it's this floor! No, that's cousin Angie. It's this floor! No...wait! I remember now! It's the third floor! Or was it the fourth
floor? Oh, it was the first floor! Wait, I forgot my papers. Back to the tenth floor. Hey, I wonder what this button does?"
5. Lean against the control panel. When people ask you to move, ask for the Password.
6. Leave a box between the doors.
7. Hum the Mission Impossible theme song.
8. Blow your nose into a tissue and ask the other passengers "Does this look infected?"
9. Shave.
10. Stare an a wound on your hand and say "I think it's getting larger!"
11. Wear a nametag that says "Kiss me. I'm Irish."
12. Cough and say "Sorry. I've been infected."
13. Wear a large trench coat stuffed with papers. Open the coat, and ask passengers "Wanna buy an elevator pass?"
14. Dress up in a devil costume like it's normal. When people ask, glare at them and say "You're next."
15. Stand still for a while and then jump up and ask "Did you feel that?!" When they ask "What?", just say "Geez, mortals these days..."
16. When you're alone with another person, start dancing randomly. Yell out "Yeah! This is my
tune!" (works best if there's elevator music). When the doors open for the next person, immediately stop dancing.
17. Stare at people through binoculars.
18. Loudly announce that you're going to the bathroom.
19. Open your purse/suitcase and pull out a potato with a face drawn on it. Show the other passengers and tell them "He kinda reminds me of you!"
20. When someone is about to enter, ask them "Are the stairs broken again?"
21. Drop your pen, then grunt and strain as you slowly bend down to pick it up.
22. As you walk into the elevator, tell the other passengers "You might want to cover your nose. I just had diarrhea"
23. Step into the elevator carrying Halloween decorations and Christmas decorations. Explain that you're decorating your office for Christmasween or Hallomas.
24. Give out instruction manuals on How to Use an Elevator. Tell them you're the new elevator
inspector.
25. When the doors open, say "Sorry, the elevator is broken. Please come again."

Well, let's find out! Answer the questions below.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refridgerator?
Correct Answer: Open the refridgerator, put the giraffe in and close the door. This tests whether you
tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into the same refrigerator?
Correct Answer: Did you say open the refridgerator, put the elephant in, close the door? Wrong!
The correct answer is to open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put the elephant inside, close the door. This tests your ability to think through results of your previous actions.
3. The lion king is hosting an animal conference right now. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refridgerator because you just put him there.
4. You must cross a river during the animal conference. It is inhabited by crocodiles and you do not have a boat. How do you get across?
Correct Answer: There are many options. You can jump into the river and swim across when the animal conference begins. All the crocodiles have to attend the animal conference, remember? This tests whether you learn from your mistakes.

Score: 1 question right : Not bad.
          2 questions right: Smart.
          3 questions right: Very smart.
          4 questions right: Genius. (most 5 year olds get this score)
          None right:......... Don't worry.
Disclaimer: Test results are not accurate.

You don't have to. You just have to outrun your buddies.