You know that restaurant? Yeah, the one on [insert street name here] street. Always giving you bad service. If their service doesn't meet your standards, there's only 3 things to do: Lower your standards. Complain. Or annoy the waiter/waitresses:
Note: Works best if you are eating with 1 or more people.
1. If they ask you a dumb question like "Would you like a table?" Say "No. I was planning to sit on the ground. Carpet for 4 please."
2. Ask to change seats 3 times before you settle down because "the feng-shui in this place is strong. I must pick the correct seat to avoid an unbalance in the universe."
3. After reading the menu, loudly announce "I've done it. I've successfully memorized this menu in 50.6 seconds."
4. When the server comes to take your order, say "Finally! I've been waiting for 30 minutes!" If they protest that you just sat down, look at your watch and say "Ooops. Guess my watch was broken again."
5. Call everyone around your table different names every time so the waiter/waitress can't remember your names. "Joe wants to order a steak." "Can you bring Sam a glass of water?" "Hey Bob, the steak you ordered is ready."
6. Have trouble selecting between 2 items on the menu. Ask the waiter/waitress many questions about the two items. Then say "Oh my god! This is too complicated...You know what? I'll just take a grilled cheese."
7. Insist that you must eat your dessert first because "the world can end at any moment. I don't want to be deprived of my one joy in life before then."
8. Order a diet water.
9. Say you are on a diet. Order all desserts. (I've actually seen lots of people doing this...)
10. Speak in a posh british accent "I want to order your most expensive meal stuffed inside your second most expensive meal."
11. Ask them if the ingredients are organically grown. Show interest and ask questions: Where? How? When? Really? Then what happens? Now that's just silly.
12. Order a complicated meal. "I want a spaghetti with 8.5 meatballs. It must be covered with a few slices of Mozzarella di Bufala cut in 45 degree increments spread out and sprinkled with parmigiano cheese."
13. Order disgusting things. "I want a coffee hotter than Texas mule butt. If there's any foam on top, please blow it off with a fart."
14. Change your accent every time the waiter/waitress comes around.
15. After they deliver your food, switch the plates with the people around your table. Take one bite out of it, then switch the plates again. (I always do this.)
16. Everytime they deliver a dish, ask them "Did you spit in this?"
17. Ask the people around you "Hey, can I taste that?"
18. Pour salt and pepper into your water. Stir. Ask them to bring you another glass of water because your glass is now "salty and brown."
19. Propose a toast every 10 minutes. Stand up, clink your glasses/drinks together and say "To successfully robbing that bank last week" "To finally getting my pet snake cremated" "To finally getting rid of that toe fungus."
20. Scratch your back with your fork. Continue eating.
21. Go to the washroom. Come back and tell your waiter/waitress "Toilet stall number 2 ran out of toilet paper... You know, those were the most comfortable toilets I've ever sat on."
22. Ask the waiter/waitress out. (Hey, you might get lucky.)
23. Ask them "Hey, where's Piazzo? The blond italian waiter, what happened to him?"
24. When the waiter/waitress is close to your table, hand your friend a portfolio and loudly whisper "Remember, deliver it to the Red Lobster by 8:06pm this Sunday. This conversation must remain
confidential."
25. Confirm with the waiter/waitress that the napkins are free. Order 14 napkins.
26. Hide your fork in your jacket. Keep telling your waiter/waitress "I don't know what happened to it. It just disappeared! Can you bring me a new fork?" Repeat. When leaving the restaurant, make sure you trip and let the fork slip out of your jacket. "Oh. So that's where it went..."
27. Go to a gourmet restaurant. At the end of the meal, say "I should've went to the fast food restaurant instead."
28. Poke the waiter/waitress with your spoon to get their attention.
29. Loudly sniff your food before eating it.
30. Tell your waiter/waitress "There's an odd number of ice cubes in my glass. This brings bad luck. Can you please place 1 more ice cube in my glass to even it out?"
31. Discuss weird things with the people at your table. "You know, my toe fungus still won't go away. I think it's getting infected."
32. In the middle of a meal, get up and tell your waiter/waitress "If you need me, I'll be in the bathroom."
33. After going to the washroom, ask the waiter/waitress "Why is it called a "restroom?" Where's the beds and sofas in there?"
34. Ask if they have a seniors discount. Then ask "Hey, can I have the mediterranean discount? What do you mean you don't have one?! This restaurant is discriminating against us mediterraneans..."
35. Look at the menu and say "What would you recommend?" Don't order what they
recommended.
36. Every time the waiter/waitress comes to your table, say "Finally!"
37. Ask for their autograph.
38. Give them your phone number and say "In case the chef ever goes nuts, quits or...you know. I'll be happy to take his/her place."
39. Tell the waiter/waitress "Oh my god. I just realized poop spelled backwards is poop!" Write the word all over a napkin to prove it.
40. When they walk by, tell them "You're going to have to stick with me. I have short-term memory loss. How long have I been here again?" Do this every 5 minutes.
41. Before eating, stick a ruler in your food and measure it. Record the numbers down on a clipboad. Inspect the dish with a magnifying glass.
42. Fill a spray bottle with water. Constantly spray the table and other people to "keep the atmosphere fresh."
43. Sit on your friend's lap and take a bite of his/her food. Move on to your next friend until you reach everyone at the table.
44. Ask your waiter/waitress to bring you a pillow because "I just recovered from a car accident and I still have butt problems. This chair is making my butt sore."
45. Wiggle your butt in the air every time before you sit down.
46. Constantly re-adjust everything at your table: forks, plates, napkins.
47. Order a soda. Whisper in the waiter/waitress' ear "Remember, we never had this conversation."
48. At the end of your meal, tell them "The faster you bring my check, the faster I will leave." They're going to leave skid marks on your face.
49. Eat the check. Ask them to bring you a new one.
50. Go to the restaurant again the next day.
Tips: Tell your friends/eating buddies that you are going to be annoying beforehand, and get them to play along. Please remember to tip your waiter/waitress generously after being such an annoying customer.
Warnings: You may get kicked out or banned from the restaurant. Maybe even arrested. So choose a restaurant you don't like.
Note: Works best if you are eating with 1 or more people.
1. If they ask you a dumb question like "Would you like a table?" Say "No. I was planning to sit on the ground. Carpet for 4 please."
2. Ask to change seats 3 times before you settle down because "the feng-shui in this place is strong. I must pick the correct seat to avoid an unbalance in the universe."
3. After reading the menu, loudly announce "I've done it. I've successfully memorized this menu in 50.6 seconds."
4. When the server comes to take your order, say "Finally! I've been waiting for 30 minutes!" If they protest that you just sat down, look at your watch and say "Ooops. Guess my watch was broken again."
5. Call everyone around your table different names every time so the waiter/waitress can't remember your names. "Joe wants to order a steak." "Can you bring Sam a glass of water?" "Hey Bob, the steak you ordered is ready."
6. Have trouble selecting between 2 items on the menu. Ask the waiter/waitress many questions about the two items. Then say "Oh my god! This is too complicated...You know what? I'll just take a grilled cheese."
7. Insist that you must eat your dessert first because "the world can end at any moment. I don't want to be deprived of my one joy in life before then."
8. Order a diet water.
9. Say you are on a diet. Order all desserts. (I've actually seen lots of people doing this...)
10. Speak in a posh british accent "I want to order your most expensive meal stuffed inside your second most expensive meal."
11. Ask them if the ingredients are organically grown. Show interest and ask questions: Where? How? When? Really? Then what happens? Now that's just silly.
12. Order a complicated meal. "I want a spaghetti with 8.5 meatballs. It must be covered with a few slices of Mozzarella di Bufala cut in 45 degree increments spread out and sprinkled with parmigiano cheese."
13. Order disgusting things. "I want a coffee hotter than Texas mule butt. If there's any foam on top, please blow it off with a fart."
14. Change your accent every time the waiter/waitress comes around.
15. After they deliver your food, switch the plates with the people around your table. Take one bite out of it, then switch the plates again. (I always do this.)
16. Everytime they deliver a dish, ask them "Did you spit in this?"
17. Ask the people around you "Hey, can I taste that?"
18. Pour salt and pepper into your water. Stir. Ask them to bring you another glass of water because your glass is now "salty and brown."
19. Propose a toast every 10 minutes. Stand up, clink your glasses/drinks together and say "To successfully robbing that bank last week" "To finally getting my pet snake cremated" "To finally getting rid of that toe fungus."
20. Scratch your back with your fork. Continue eating.
21. Go to the washroom. Come back and tell your waiter/waitress "Toilet stall number 2 ran out of toilet paper... You know, those were the most comfortable toilets I've ever sat on."
22. Ask the waiter/waitress out. (Hey, you might get lucky.)
23. Ask them "Hey, where's Piazzo? The blond italian waiter, what happened to him?"
24. When the waiter/waitress is close to your table, hand your friend a portfolio and loudly whisper "Remember, deliver it to the Red Lobster by 8:06pm this Sunday. This conversation must remain
confidential."
25. Confirm with the waiter/waitress that the napkins are free. Order 14 napkins.
26. Hide your fork in your jacket. Keep telling your waiter/waitress "I don't know what happened to it. It just disappeared! Can you bring me a new fork?" Repeat. When leaving the restaurant, make sure you trip and let the fork slip out of your jacket. "Oh. So that's where it went..."
27. Go to a gourmet restaurant. At the end of the meal, say "I should've went to the fast food restaurant instead."
28. Poke the waiter/waitress with your spoon to get their attention.
29. Loudly sniff your food before eating it.
30. Tell your waiter/waitress "There's an odd number of ice cubes in my glass. This brings bad luck. Can you please place 1 more ice cube in my glass to even it out?"
31. Discuss weird things with the people at your table. "You know, my toe fungus still won't go away. I think it's getting infected."
32. In the middle of a meal, get up and tell your waiter/waitress "If you need me, I'll be in the bathroom."
33. After going to the washroom, ask the waiter/waitress "Why is it called a "restroom?" Where's the beds and sofas in there?"
34. Ask if they have a seniors discount. Then ask "Hey, can I have the mediterranean discount? What do you mean you don't have one?! This restaurant is discriminating against us mediterraneans..."
35. Look at the menu and say "What would you recommend?" Don't order what they
recommended.
36. Every time the waiter/waitress comes to your table, say "Finally!"
37. Ask for their autograph.
38. Give them your phone number and say "In case the chef ever goes nuts, quits or...you know. I'll be happy to take his/her place."
39. Tell the waiter/waitress "Oh my god. I just realized poop spelled backwards is poop!" Write the word all over a napkin to prove it.
40. When they walk by, tell them "You're going to have to stick with me. I have short-term memory loss. How long have I been here again?" Do this every 5 minutes.
41. Before eating, stick a ruler in your food and measure it. Record the numbers down on a clipboad. Inspect the dish with a magnifying glass.
42. Fill a spray bottle with water. Constantly spray the table and other people to "keep the atmosphere fresh."
43. Sit on your friend's lap and take a bite of his/her food. Move on to your next friend until you reach everyone at the table.
44. Ask your waiter/waitress to bring you a pillow because "I just recovered from a car accident and I still have butt problems. This chair is making my butt sore."
45. Wiggle your butt in the air every time before you sit down.
46. Constantly re-adjust everything at your table: forks, plates, napkins.
47. Order a soda. Whisper in the waiter/waitress' ear "Remember, we never had this conversation."
48. At the end of your meal, tell them "The faster you bring my check, the faster I will leave." They're going to leave skid marks on your face.
49. Eat the check. Ask them to bring you a new one.
50. Go to the restaurant again the next day.
Tips: Tell your friends/eating buddies that you are going to be annoying beforehand, and get them to play along. Please remember to tip your waiter/waitress generously after being such an annoying customer.
Warnings: You may get kicked out or banned from the restaurant. Maybe even arrested. So choose a restaurant you don't like.
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