Warning: Contains mildly disturbing but hilarious content.

    Many years ago on the Tonight Show, Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date story. This was the story that won:
    It was winter. The guy had taken her skiing up north. They had lots of fun and were about to head home. They were driving down the mountain when she realized she shouldn't have had that extra hot chocolate. They were an hours away from the closest rest room. She couldn't hold it any longer and told him to stop the car so she could go in the bushes, or it would be the front seat of his car. He stopped and she got off and crouched beside the car, and yanked her pants down. (You can already tell how bad this is going to get.) The deep snow was slippery so she let her *ahem* butt rest against the car to steady herself. Upon finishing, she became aware of another sensation. Her body heat had glued her butt against the car. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles came to her mind as she struggled. Horrified and laughing, she heard her date ask "What's taking so long?" as she replied "Nothing. Just freezing my butt off." She yelled for his help and he came around the car as she covered herself with her sweater. He burst out laughing. Finally, they both agreed they needed something hot to free her butt from the cold metal. They realized the only thing that got her into this situation, was the same thing that would set her free. She looked the other way as her first date unzipped his pants to pee her butt off the metal. 
    This gives a whole new meaning to being "pissed off." How did the rest of the relationship turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her in the audience.

There's so many answers to choose from: Fine. Good. Great. Well. But those answers getting boring sometimes.

1. "I am so happy! I finally got rid of the toe fungus!
2. "Oh my god. I feel awful! I ate a mushroom and now I've had the sh*ts for 3 days! Do you think I should go see a doctor?"
3. "Well, it was all good, but then your face showed up."
4. "You know, same as always. Tired and irritated."
5. "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat."
6. "Great. Never better.  I just love funerals."
7. "Pretty good. I just finished counting my blessings."
8. "Good. You'll never guess what I just did! I joined the Dark Side."
9. "Better than you."
10. "Same as always. Smart and sarcastic."
11. "So good. I just drank 2.5 gallons of soda."
12. "Fine....Do you happen to know any good places to hide a dead body? Just wondering."
13. "Besides the bloating, cramping, mood swings, and general misery, I am good."
14. "Happy as hell."
15. "Cloudly with 20% chance of rain."
16. "I'm fat, sweaty, and ugly. What do you think?"
17. "Like an angel."
18. "That's confidential information."
19. "I can't tell you, the fate of mankind depends on it. I'm sorry, what was the question again?"
20. "Good. I just saw my grandma at Walmart."
21. "I just saw Elvis. Don't ask, I heard it through the grapevine."
22. "Good. Fine. Well. Peachy. Should I continue or do you get the point?"
23. "Good. I can feel my weirdness scale rising as we speak."
24. "Cool as a pickle. That reminds me, do you know how pickles are made? No? Well, let me tell you how it all began..."
25. "Dead."
26. "I am just awesome."
27. "Delicious."

It's such an annoying question. Here's how to answer:

1. "The ceiling."
2. "The sky. With a few clouds and 37.4% chance of rain."
3. "Outer-space and UFO's"
4. "Same old grind."
5. "Today is the same as yesterday, which was the same as the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before that..." (continue until they leave)
6. "My rent"
7. "My middle finger."
8. "What's not up? Well, besides my salary."
9. "Iceland's economic crisis."
10. "Gas prices."
11. "The chances of you dying alone and miserable."
12. "Your cholesterol level."
13. "It was all good till I saw your face."
14. "Oh, that is SO cool. I did not know that 'What' is up today. Was it down yesterday? I'm so glad they fixed it."
15. "Well, I'm not dead yet. How about you?"
16. "FML."
17. "My mood swings."
18. "Well, I'm kind of down lately. My doctor finally took me off the meds."
19. "What's it to ya?"
20. "You're one of THEM, aren't you?! They sent you here!"
21. "That's confidential information."
22. "I'm socially programmed to say 'Not much. What about you?'"
23. "Well, your face is the highlight of my day."
24. "Well, I was just standing there hoping I wouldn't be asked another stupid question, but I guess that's not going to happen."
25. "Do you hear that?.....That's the sound of no one caring."
26. "I'm trying to imagine you with a personality."

I don't want my viewers to die of boredom. So the next time you're bored, check out some of the things you can do:

1. First, get out of the house.
2. Send a text to a random number that says "I hid the body. Now what?"
3. Dig a hole to bury a rock. If someone asks, burst into tears and say "My pet rock had a
seizure..."
4. Hide in a closet. When someone opens the door, jump out and say "Welcome to Walmart! How may I help you?"
5. Sign up for a dating website. Draw a face on a sack of garbage and use it as your profile picture. See how many offers you get.
6. Make a new profile. For hobbies, write down "Killing things." For career, write down "Bug murderer." See how many offers you get.
7. Mail a box of donuts to the police station. Include a note that says "I finally got out of prison. Love ~Bob"
8. Buy a bunch of garden gnomes. Place them around your house in army formation.
9. Walk into a liquor store while drinking a juice pouch.
10. Draw a face on a balloon. Walk around town and introduce everyone to your new "best friend."
11. Go to a gym. Eat donuts and watch other people work out.
12. Call a random number. When someone anwers, say "Hello, do you remember me?" When they say no, say "I can't believe you forgot me AGAIN!" and hang up. If they say yes, say "Good. It's me,
Bob. I'm in jail again. Can you bail me out?"
13. Wear a tuxedo. Take a picture and sell yourself on ebay as a "Magical Butler. Only $5.99. Limited time offer."
14. Tell everyone you know about The Next Big Thing: the water-proof towel.
15. Try to sell "magic beans."
16. Tell everyone about lamecomics.weebly.com."
17. Write a letter explaining how you're going to take over the world some day. Write down
all the details of the plan and mail it to your neighbor. Sign it "From: You know who."
18. Make up a weird cheesy story about someone you know. End it with "in accordance to the prophecy" and email it to everyone you know, including that person.
19. Go to the public park. Try to catch a goose with your hands.
20. Find a police officer. Start a conversation with "Did you ever wonder why...?"
21. Go to the public washroom. Write down weird messages on the toilet paper for the next person.
22. Call an electronics store. Try to order a chainsaw. When they refuse, demand to know why they can't sell you one because your "friend" purchased one from the same store a few days ago.
23. Buy a bucket of white paint. Paint the outline of a dead body on your driveway.
24. Email everyone in your contact list a message that says "Go to lamecomics.weebly.com."

Warning: Some of these things may get you arrested.

Smart Answers to Dumb Questions:
(I did not come up with this. I found it on the internet years ago and I forgot the link.)

1. In which battle did Napolean die?
    His last battle.
2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
    At the bottom of the page.
3. The River of Ravi flows in which state?
    Liquid.
4. What is the main reason for divorce?
    Marriage.
5. What is the main reason for failure?
    Exams.
6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
    Lunch and dinner.
7. What looks like half an apple?
    The other half.
8. If you throw a red stone into the Blue sea, what will it become?
    It will become wet.
9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
    Simple. He sleeps at night.
10. How can you lift an elephant with 1 hand?
      You will never find an elephant with one hand. Elephants only have legs.
11. If you had 3 apples and 4 oranges in one hand, and 4 apples and 3 oranges in another hand, what would you have?
     Very large hands.
12. If it took eight men 10 hours to build a wall, how long will it take four men to build it?
      No time at all. The wall is already built.
13. How can you drop a raw egg on a concrete floor without breaking it.
      Any way you want. Concrete floors are very hard to break.
14. Is the glass half empty or half full?
     Well, 50% of it is filled with water, and 50% of it is filled with air. So technically, the glass
     is "full."

So arriving on time didn't work out...There's a number of things you can say, like "sorry." Or if you like being an ass, you can use these excuses below:

1. "Actually, I'm here for tomorrow's lesson/appointment, so in fact, I'm early."
2. "I was eating breakfast when World War 3 broke out in my kitchen."
3. "Sorry, there was a Snorlax sleeping in the street and I had to go back and get my magic
flute."
4. "I killed my ex husband/wife and had to dismember the corpse and burn the evidence."
5. "My fish died and I had to take him to the vet to get cremated."
6. "I was up all night arguing with God."
7. "I've used up all my sick days for work, so I'm calling in dead."
8. "I was waiting for my deodorant to dry."
9. "Grandma didn't call to wake me up today..."
10. "My electricity was shut off so I had to stay and keep my snake warm."
11. "I had to feed my pet piranha or else he'll 'act up' again."
12. "This is not an excuse. It is a legitimate reason."
13. "My dog ate the car keys."
14. "I had to shoot my wife/husband and clean up the mess before the police came."
15. "Sorry, I thought I was dead when I couldn't move to get out of bed this morning."
16. "My dad/mom choked on a meatball and I had to dislodge it."
17. "When I was dislodging the meatball my dad/mom was choking on, I accidentally broke one of
his/her ribs. I had to take him/her to the hospital."
18. "Sorry, I had to booby-trap my house or else my neighbor will sneak in and use my bathroom again."
19. "Sorry, I told the muggers to be quick, but they wouldn't listen."
20. "Sorry, my psychiatrist wouldn't let me leave."
21. "I got stuck in the bathtub."
22. "Joe thought it would be funny to throw my cat out a 4 story window.... I had to plan his funeral."
23. "I thought I won the lottery, but it was a mistake."
24. "I had to bail my mother out of jail again."
25. "Sorry, I had to ship my grandmother's bones back to Greece."
26. "I witnessed an accident."
27. "My dog left a giant sh*t stain on the carpet, so I had to bring it to the dry cleaners."
28. "I had to rearrange my garden gnomes."
29. "I've been working out lately, and decided to find out if I could...you know...but I found out I can't. So now I'm in the hospital."
30. "I was having...bowel movements."
31. "My boyfriend/girlfriend's cat thought it would be funny to unplug my alarm clock."
32. "My orangutan died. You know how much those things cost?! The funeral, not the
orangutan."
33. "My friend bet I couldn't fit into his storage closet..."
34. "I fell asleep on the bus last night and ended up in Mexico."
35. "There was a misunderstanding and now I'm stuck in jail."
36. "My neighbor's bulldog murdered my cat."
37. "Sorry, I'm having women problems."
38. "I accidentally flattened a rabbit when backing out of my driveway. I'm still trying to get the blood out."
39. "My cat decided to commmit suicide."
40. "My neighbor tried to kill me."
41. "I died."

Warning: You may get fired if you used these excuses on your boss, detention if used on your teacher, and dumped if used on your boy/girl friend.

Here's a few creepy texts to receive/send:
1. Do you want your toenails back? I still have the jar of them in my closet
2. Hey Jim, did you find the chainsaw or not?
3. I'm in the bathroom at Red Lobster on Gardener Lane. Be there at 18:47. Please terminate this conversation.
4. Hey, I'm almost done collecting souls. What time do you want me to be there?
5. I'm dying over here. Where's my grilled cheese sandwich?! Hurry up before my time comes!
6. This party's so lame. Can you bring in the toxic-waste so I can ditch?
7. In this dangerous world, know that I will always be there for you. Love ~Mitch
8. So you wanna trade that deer meat or what?
9. Hey, I just broke up with my bf/gf. Nailed it! Let's celebrate tonight.
10. Hey, that anti-itch cream comes in large and extra-large. What size you want?
11. I saw you today.
12. Did you get me the banana costume?
13. We've infiltrated the headquarters. Meet me to pick up the file at 23:05 at the Warehouse back fence. Wear black. Remember, we never had this conversation.
14. I know ALL about number 2.
15. The thunderstorms are scaring me.
16. I have attained the ancient artifact. Did you get the curved dagger of Salubrity?
17. Happy Irish day!
18. Help! Creeper guy is following me. What should I do?!
19. Can you get some milk and guacamole sauce when you come back?
20. I just swallowed a piece of gum.
21. I think I'm dying.
22. I urinated in my pants today.
23. My neighbour is running around in his underpants scaring the cats again. Should I get the garden hose?
24. THIS is why we're screwed.
25. I'm coming over there to tickle your ass!
26. Just saw your mom at Wal-mart.
27. I'm in the shower farting. What r u doing?
28. Hey, it's Abe Lincoln. So...You single?

So, what the creepiest text YOU'VE ever received? Post it in the comments.