A police car pulls up in front of a house. Grandpa Beetle gets out and sees his wife standing on the porch. The police officer explains that Grandpa Beetle got lost at the park and couldn't find his way home. After the officer left, Grandma Beetle says "You've been going to that park for over 30 years. How did you get lost?" "I wasn't lost...I was just too lazy to walk home" he replied.
A farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing a great job, and didn't want any competition. A few days later, the farmer buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium and places it in the barn. The old rooster sees this and goes up to the younger one. "So, you're the new rooster in town. I'm still the bigger and better bird. To prove it, I challenge you to a race around the hen house. The winner gets all the hens." The young rooster accepts and they begin to run. The hens gather around to watch. They run at the same pace for a while, then the old rooster starts to take the lead. By now, the farmer has heard all the noise and grabs his shotgun. He goes outside to investigate and sees the young rooster trailing behind the old rooster. He takes aim and shoots the young rooster. He walks away and mutters "Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
Warning: Dirty joke
A couple were golfing one day. The gold course was close to a rich neighborhood. The husband swung his club and watched as the golf ball flew across the field, and into the window of a nearby mansion. The husband cringed and said "Let's go up there and apologize. Let me take care of this." They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say "Come in." The couple went inside and saw a bottle lying around a pool of broken glass. "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Yes, we're very sorry about that" replied the husband. "No, don't apologize. Actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie and I've been trapped inside that bottle for a thousand years. You've released me! I can grant you 2 wishes, but I'm keeping the last one for myself" said the genie. "That's great! I wish for 100 million dollars a year for the rest of my life!" said the husband. "No problem. What about you?" "I wish for a mansion 3 times the size of this one" said the wife. "Done. As for my wish...I've been trapped inside that bottle and haven't had s*x in years. My wish is to sleep with your wife for one night." The husband looks at his wife and said "Well...it's a lot of money. I guess I don't care if it's one time." The genie took the wife upstairs....Later that night, the genie rolled over in bed and looked at the wife and asked "How old is your husband?" "He's 35." "Amazing, and he still believes in genies."
A couple were golfing one day. The gold course was close to a rich neighborhood. The husband swung his club and watched as the golf ball flew across the field, and into the window of a nearby mansion. The husband cringed and said "Let's go up there and apologize. Let me take care of this." They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say "Come in." The couple went inside and saw a bottle lying around a pool of broken glass. "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Yes, we're very sorry about that" replied the husband. "No, don't apologize. Actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie and I've been trapped inside that bottle for a thousand years. You've released me! I can grant you 2 wishes, but I'm keeping the last one for myself" said the genie. "That's great! I wish for 100 million dollars a year for the rest of my life!" said the husband. "No problem. What about you?" "I wish for a mansion 3 times the size of this one" said the wife. "Done. As for my wish...I've been trapped inside that bottle and haven't had s*x in years. My wish is to sleep with your wife for one night." The husband looks at his wife and said "Well...it's a lot of money. I guess I don't care if it's one time." The genie took the wife upstairs....Later that night, the genie rolled over in bed and looked at the wife and asked "How old is your husband?" "He's 35." "Amazing, and he still believes in genies."
My car broke down at Pizza place the other day...so I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift home from the driver.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.
None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.
A boy was complaining about school. His father said "You should be ashamed of yourself. When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he had to walk 10km to school everyday." "Oh yeah? Then you should be ashamed of yourself too. When he was your age, he was president" replied the son.
A magician was working on a cruise ship. The captain's pet parrot was always in the room with him. Eventually, it figured out every trick. Soon, the parrot started shouting in the middle of every show "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding under it under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious. One day, the ship sank. The magician grabbed onto a lifesaver and found himself next to the parrot. They stared at each other with hate. After a few hours, the parrot said "Ok, I give up. Where's the ship?"
The 4 food groups of the 21st century: Fast, frozen, instant and junk.
At a party, someone yells "All married men, please stand next to the person who's made your life worth living...." The bartender was almost crushed to death.
A father and son went to a concert. The son asked "Why do the singers rock left and right when performing on stage?" "Because it's more difficult to throw tomatoes at a moving target" replied the father.
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Canadian were captured by cannibals. The leader said "We're going to kill you. Eat you. And use your skin to build a canoe. But it is a tradition to let you choose your deaths." The Frenchman says "I'll take a sword." The cannibals give him a sword. He takes it, stabs the cannibals closest to him until he gets tired, then stabs himself. He yells "Vive la France!" The Englishman is next. He says "I'll take a gun." He takes the gun and shoots the cannibals until his last bullet, which he uses on himself. He yells "God save the Queen!" The Canadian is next. He says "I'll take a fork." The leader gives him a fork. The Canadian uses it to stab himself all over, blood gushing everywhere. Horrified, the leader says "What are you doing?!" The Canadian yells "Ha! So much for you canoe, you stupid cannibal!"
A kid is sitting in the park eating cookies. An old man sees him and says "You won't live very long by eating such unhealthy foods." "Well, my grandfather lived to 97. Do you know how he did that?" "Well it wasn't by eating junk foods." "No. It was by minding his own business."
An old man goes to the doctor's office. The doctor tells him "You're doing fine for your age." "Do you think I'll live to 80?" asked the old man. "Do you smoke?" asked the doctor. "No. I heard that's bad for you" replied the old man. "Do you drink?" "Only water." "Do you eat meat? BBQ?" "No, I heard that's unhealthy." "Do you play sports?" "No, I don't want to risk getting injured." "Do you gamble?" "Never." "Do you drive fast?" "No." "Meet lots of women?" "No, I don't do any of those things." "Then why the heck do you want to live to 80?!!"
2 men were working together. One was Jewish and one was Chinese. It was the first time they worked together and there was an uncomfortable silence. Finally, the Jewish guy says "I don't like the Chinese." "Why not?" asked the Chinese guy. "You guys bombed Pearl Harbor during the war. That's why." responds the Jewish. "No we didn't. That was Japanese, not Chinese." The Jew replies "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese...it doesn't matter. You're all the same." After a few minutes, the Chinese guy says "I don't like the Jews." "Why not?" "You guys sunk the Titanic" responds the Chinese. "No we didn't. It was an iceberg" said the Jew. The Chinese guy replies "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, doesn't matter. All same."
A vampire bat came home covered in blood. All the other bats were hungry and asked him where he got it. He told them to shut up, and that he doesn't want to talk about it. The other bats kept pestering him. Finally, he said "Ok, follow me." He flew out of the cave and brought them to a large oak tree and said "See that tree over there?" "Yeah." "Well, I didn't!"
Warning: Dirty joke
Two Italian guys get on a bus. They start a conversation. "Emma comes first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once a-more. Two asses come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." A woman standing beside them yells "In this country, we don't talk about s*x in public!" "Hey, coola down lady. Who's talking about a s*x? I'ma just telling my friend how to spella 'Mississippi.'"
Two Italian guys get on a bus. They start a conversation. "Emma comes first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once a-more. Two asses come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." A woman standing beside them yells "In this country, we don't talk about s*x in public!" "Hey, coola down lady. Who's talking about a s*x? I'ma just telling my friend how to spella 'Mississippi.'"
A little boy lost his father. He goes up to a police officer and says "Help. I've lost my dad." The officer says "What's he like?" "Gambling and drugs" responds the boy.
Ed and Bob were hunting. Suddenly, Ed has a seizure. Panicking, Bob calls 911 and says "Help me! Ed just dropped dead! What should I do?" The operator responds "First, make sure that he's really dead." The operator then hears a gun shot. Bob says "Ok, now what?"
Two guys went golfing. The first man was standing over his tee shot, trying to calculate the distance and wind. After an eternity, his partner shouts "What are you doing? Just hit the ball!" The man responds "My wife is up at the lodge, watching me. I want to make this a perfect shot." His partner looks and says "Forget it. You'll never hit her from here."
A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful young woman. He goes over and says "Hello, would you mind if I bought you a drink?" The woman suddenly yells "No! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone at the bar turns to look at him. Embarrassed, the guy walks to another table. After a while, the woman walks over to him and says "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." The guy yells at the top of his lungs "Two hundred dollars? What do you mean two hundred dollars?!!"
A couple were going out for the evening. They put the cat out and called a taxi. The taxi arrives and they get into it. Suddenly, they see the cat sneak back into the house. The husband goes back to get the cat out. The wife doesn't want anyone to know their house will be empty, and says to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to check on my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets back into the cab and says "Sorry for taking so long. Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a stick to get her to come out."
Doesn't this dog look like it's wearing eyeliner?
Customer: "Do you have any cockroaches or rats?"
Cashier: "Yes. We sell both."
Customer: "Good. I'd like to buy 2000 cockroaches and 20 rats."
Cashier: "Why would you want that?!"
Customer: "I'm moving out of my apartment tomorrow and my lease says I must 'leave the apartment in the condition in which I found it.'"
Cashier: "Yes. We sell both."
Customer: "Good. I'd like to buy 2000 cockroaches and 20 rats."
Cashier: "Why would you want that?!"
Customer: "I'm moving out of my apartment tomorrow and my lease says I must 'leave the apartment in the condition in which I found it.'"
3 women die and go to Heaven. God meets them and says "You can do whatever you want in Heaven, but first you must pass a test. You must spend 30 days here without stepping on a duck." The 3 women enter (like they had a choice). They notice ducks everywhere. Soon, a woman steps on a duck and God goes up to her. He has a hideously ugly man following him, and he handcuffs the man to the woman. God says "For stepping on a duck, you have to spend eternity with this ugly man." The other 2 women were horrified. A few days later, the second woman steps on a duck. God immediately arrives and handcuffs her to an ugly man. The last woman tries not to step on any ducks. After 30 days have passed, God comes up to her with a stunningly handsome man. He handcuffs them together. She says "Thank you." The handsome man turns to her and said "I have no idea what you did lady, but I stepped on a duck."
A man was bit by a rabid raccoon. His friend saw him writing a list and said "You don't have to write a Will. There's a cure for rabbies now." The man replied "I know. I'm just writing a list of all the people I'm going to bite!" Moral of the story: Try to be nice to everyone. You never know when one of them will go on a biting rampage.
Two men were walking down the street. Both were dragging one foot. They pass each other. The first guy points to his foot and says "Vietnam war, 1969." The second guy nods and points to his foot, then points down the street. He says "Dog crap. 20 feet back."
A police officer sees a guy driving a truck full of penguins. He stops him and says "You need to take those penguins to the zoo." The guy nods and drives off. The next day, the police officer stops the same guy and sees his truck is still full of penguins. This time, all the penguins are wearing sunglasses. "I thought I told you to bring those penguins to the zoo!" said the police officer. "I did! Today, I'm bringing them to the beach" the guy responds.
One night, a snail, a centipede, and a grasshopper were having a party at Snail's house. They ran out of soda. The snail said "I'd go get some more, but I'm too slow." The grasshopper said "The store is just around the corner. I'd go, but my hopping will shake up the soda. We'd get sprayed every time we open a can." They decided to send the centipede out. Half an hour passed, but he still didn't return. Worried, the snail and grasshopper went to look for him. They found him by the door, still putting on his shoes.
One day, an American, A Canadian, and a French guy were walking across a bridge in Mexico. Suddenly, the French guy pulled out a bottle of wine and threw it over the bridge and into the water. "What did you do that for?!" yelled the other two. The French guy replied "We've got too much of that in our country." They continued walking. Suddenly, the American pulled out a hamburger and threw it over the bridge. "What did you do that for?!" The American replied "We've got too many of that in our country." They continued walking. Suddenly, the Canadian took out a bottle of maple syrup. He took a few gulps, then picked up the French guy and threw him over the bridge into the water. He turned towards the American and said "We've got too many of those in our country.
A man gets on the bus and sits next to an attractive lady. The man asks her to go out with him. The lady rejected him and got off the bus. The bus driver overheard their conversation and said "I know how you can get her to go out with you. Every Thursday night, the lady goes to the cemetery to visit her husband's grave. If you dress in plaid and jeans, she would think you're his ghost." The guy decides to try this and goes to the cemetery at night. At midnight, the lady shows up. The man jumps from behind the grave and says that he's the ghost of her husband, only older. He tells her that he misses her and would like a kiss...The lady agrees. Afterwards, the man replies "Surprise! I'm the man from the bus!" The lady takes off her hood and says "Surprise! I'm the bus driver!"
I went to the store yesterday to buy some chicken. When I went outside, I saw a cop pulling up and writing a ticket for the car. So I did what most people would do. I walked up to the cop and said "Come on, can't you give someone a break?" He ignored me and wrote another ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me, wrote another ticket, and stuck it to the car. The more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. Good thing it wasn't my car.
A man goes to a restaurant and orders chicken. A few minutes later, a biker comes in and also orders chicken. The waitress goes up to the man and says "I'm sorry sir, but we only have 1 chicken left. That biker over there is a regular customer and always order this dish. I'm afraid I'll have to serve the last chicken to him." The man is furious and refuses to give up his chicken. The biker hears this conversation and goes up to him. The biker tells him "Listen, that's MY chicken. Whatever you do to that chicken, I'm going to do to you. If you break one of its wings, I'll break both your arms. If you break one of its legs, I'll break both of yours. You got that?" The man nods, then picks up the chicken, and licks its butt. Then he gets up and drops his pants, and says "Go ahead."
Tommy had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother told him that if he didn't stop, he'll get fat. Later that night, they were at a family party. Tommy pointed to a pregnant woman and said "Aha! I know what you've been doing!"
One day, a teacher was teaching her class the definition of absolutely. She asked the students to give an example. One student raised her hand and said "The sky is absolutely blue." The teacher replied "That's incorrect. It depends on the weather." Another student raised his hand and said "The leaves on the trees are absolutely green." The teacher replied "Not exactly. It depends on the season." Little Johnny raised his hand and asked "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher replied no. Johnny said "Then I absolutely just cr*pped in my pants."
A professor told his class before the final exam "It's been a pleasure teaching all of you. You've all worked extremely hard, and you're one of the best classes I've taught yet. So if anyone wants to skip today's exam, they will automatically receive a B for the course. Consider it my gift to you." Many students got up and left. The professor asked "Anyone else?" More students got up, thanked him, and left. Finally, there were only 10 students left in the room. The professor picked up the exam papers, and said "I'm glad you 10 believe in yourself. You all get A's!"
A shopkeeper was working when he noticed a new business (similar to his own) had opened up next door. He walked outside and noticed they placed a huge sign that said "Best Deals Here" over the shop. He was horrified. The next day, another competitor opened up a shop to his right. They placed an even larger sign that said "Great Quality Guaranteed" over their shop. The shopkeeper went and ordered the biggest sign of all, and placed it over his own shop. It read "MAIN ENTRANCE."
A professor at the university finished lecturing and prepared to leave. He put on his university sport jacket, which was embroidered with the university logo and school year he graduated, 1981. A student notices and asked "Why is 1980 written on your jacket?" Joking, the professor replied "When I was in university, they embroider the number of friends you had on your jacket." The student replied "That's nice, but what's the 198 for?"
Warning: Contains censored profanity (swearing)
A cowboy walks into a restaurant. He sees an attractive woman sitting alone and decides to sit at the table next to her. The woman waves the waitor over and says "I would like a fowl. A virgin fowl. In fact, why don't you catch the bird yourself? I'd also like potatoes and my plate garnished with parsley. And bring me a cup of coffee, not too hot, and not too cold. If there's any foam on top, please scoop it off. While you're at it, open the window. I smell horse crap, there must be a cowboy in here." The cowboy is offended at the rudeness of the woman and waved the waitor over. He said loudly "I would like a large duck. F*cked duck. In fact, why don't you f**k the bird yourself? I'd also like potatoes and my plate garnished with horse sh*t. And bring me a cup of coffee hotter than texas mule butt. If there's any foam on top, please blow it off with a fart. And while you're at it, knock down a wall. I smell a b*tch in here."
A cowboy walks into a restaurant. He sees an attractive woman sitting alone and decides to sit at the table next to her. The woman waves the waitor over and says "I would like a fowl. A virgin fowl. In fact, why don't you catch the bird yourself? I'd also like potatoes and my plate garnished with parsley. And bring me a cup of coffee, not too hot, and not too cold. If there's any foam on top, please scoop it off. While you're at it, open the window. I smell horse crap, there must be a cowboy in here." The cowboy is offended at the rudeness of the woman and waved the waitor over. He said loudly "I would like a large duck. F*cked duck. In fact, why don't you f**k the bird yourself? I'd also like potatoes and my plate garnished with horse sh*t. And bring me a cup of coffee hotter than texas mule butt. If there's any foam on top, please blow it off with a fart. And while you're at it, knock down a wall. I smell a b*tch in here."
Once upon a time, there was a man who wanted to become a great writer. He said "I want to write stuff the whole world will see. Stuff that people will react to on an emotional and physical level, stuff that will make them scared, scream, cry, and yell in anger." He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
A pilot, an athlete, a lawyer, a priest, and Little Johnny were on a plane. Suddenly, the pilot came running into the room and yelled "We're going to crash!" and grabbed a parachute and jumped out. There were only 3 parachutes left, but 4 people. "I'm an athlete. I need to be alive to compete in the next Olympics. I spent my whole life training" said the athlete. He grabbed a parachute and jumped out. "I'm one of the smartest people in the world!" bragged the lawyer. "I deserve to live" and he picked up a parachute and jumped out. The priest said "I lived a long and fulfilling life. You may take the last parachute." Little Johnny said "It's ok. When the smartest man in the world was talking, I switched his parachute with my backpack."
Tim was sitting on a very crowded bus when a fat lady opposite him said "If you were a gentleman, you'd stand up and let someone else sit down." "And if you were a lady, you'd stand up and let 4 people sit down" replied Tim.
One day, a man loses his job. He walks down the street and bumps into a circus ring leader. The leader explains that the circus' gorilla died recently and he needed a replacement for tonight's show. He offers the man a job to dress up in a gorilla suit and do the show. The man agrees. That night, the "gorilla" climbs to the top of the cage and dangles off, taunting the other animals. Suddenly, the lion walks into the ring. The man slips and falls. The man is terrified as the lion prepares to pounce on him. The man starts running around the cage with the lion close behind. He starts screaming "Help me! Help!" but the lion pounces on him. The man is lying on his back, staring into the face of the angry lion. The lion whispers "Shut up you idiot! You're going to get us both fired!"
Grammar Lesson:
Teacher: "I am beautiful. Which tense is this?"
Student: "Obviously the past tense."
Teacher: "I am beautiful. Which tense is this?"
Student: "Obviously the past tense."
Poor Cody died in a fire and was burnt very badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body. They found Cody's two best friends: Zack and Zeke. Zack went in and said "Wow. He's burnt. Roll him over." The mortician rolls him over. Zack looks and says "That's not Cody." Next, Zeke came in. Zeke said the same thing, rolled the body over, and told the mortician "That's not Cody." "How can you tell?" asked the mortician. Zeke replied "Well, Cody has 2 assh*oles." "What?" "Yeah, everyone in town knew too. Every time the 3 of us went into town, the people would say 'Here comes Cody with those 2 assh*oles."
3 investors and 3 accountants are travelling by train to the meeting. At the train station, the 3 accountants each buy a ticket. They see that the 3 investors only buy 1 single ticket. The accoutants ask them "How are 3 people going to travel with 1 ticket?" "Just watch and learn" said an investor. They all board the train. The accountants take their seat but all 3 investors squeeze into the restroom and close the door behind them. The train departs and the conductor comes by to collect all the tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack, and a single arm reaches out, with the ticket. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants see this and think it's a brilliant idea. After the meeting, the accountants decide to copy the investors and buy a single ticket, to save money. The investors don't buy a ticket at all. The accountants ask "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" The investors replied "You'll see." The train starts and the accountants all pile into the restroom. The 3 investors also go into the restroom nearby. The train starts and 1 of the investors walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says "Ticket, please."
How to Impress Most Women:
Compliment her, kiss her, love her, listen to her, support her.
How to Impress Most Men:
Show up naked. Bring Beer.
Compliment her, kiss her, love her, listen to her, support her.
How to Impress Most Men:
Show up naked. Bring Beer.
Once upon a time, there were 3 guys from China who wanted to go to America. Their names were Bu, Chu, and Fu. Since their names would sound weird in english, Bu said "I'll add 'ck' to the end of my name and change it to Buck." Chu said "Then my name would be Chuck." After a long silence, Fu said "I think I'll go back to China."
A young business man rented an office. Business was bad and no one was coming in. One day, a man walked in. Wanting to impress the new customer, the business man picked up the phone and pretended to be negotiating a big order. "No, I want $25 000 for the case....well if he won't take the deal, that's fine. I've got 28 more cases lined up....Goodbye." He placed the phone down and looked at the new customer "Hello, how may I help you?" The customer said "Actually, I'm here to install the phone."
A psychotherapist was very successful. His business grew and he wanted to place a sign outside his office. Being cheap, he paid a young boy to paint a sign and place it for him. After the sign was placed, his business started decreasing. He noticed people leaving after reading the sign. He decided to check out the sign himself. He went outside and discovered that the boy couldn't find a long enough banner so he used 3 short banners instead, and had to separate his name into 3 words : Psycho the rapist.
A woman got caught going over the speed limit. She pulled over and rolled down the window for the police.
Woman: "Is there a problem, officer?"
Officer: "Yes ma'am. You were speeding. Can I see you license please?"
Woman: "My driver's license?...I don't have one."
Officer: "Can I see your vehicle registration papers then?"
Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "Why not?"
Woman: "I stole this car."
Officer: "Stole it?"
Woman: "Yes. I killed and hacked up the owner into tiny little pieces..."
Officer: "You what?!"
Woman: "His body parts are in a garbage bag in the trunk."
The police officer slowly backed towards his patrol car. He radios the station for help. A few minutes later, police cars surround the woman's car. The police chief approaches the woman.
Woman: "Is there a problem,officer?"
Chief: "One of my officers told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner."
Woman: "Murdered the owner?!!"
Chief: "Yes. Could you please slowly open your trunk?"
The woman steps out of the car and opens her car trunk, but it's empty. Confused, the chief says:
Chief: "Is this your car?"
Woman: "Yes, here's my registration papers."
The police chief is stunned.
Chief: "One of my officers say that you don't have a driver's license."
Woman: "My license is right here, officer."
Chief: "I don't understand. My officer tells me that you don't have a license, or vehicle registration papers. He said you stole this
car, hacked up the owner...and placed the body in the trunk!"
Stunned, the woman said "I bet the liar told you I was speeding too!"
Woman: "Is there a problem, officer?"
Officer: "Yes ma'am. You were speeding. Can I see you license please?"
Woman: "My driver's license?...I don't have one."
Officer: "Can I see your vehicle registration papers then?"
Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "Why not?"
Woman: "I stole this car."
Officer: "Stole it?"
Woman: "Yes. I killed and hacked up the owner into tiny little pieces..."
Officer: "You what?!"
Woman: "His body parts are in a garbage bag in the trunk."
The police officer slowly backed towards his patrol car. He radios the station for help. A few minutes later, police cars surround the woman's car. The police chief approaches the woman.
Woman: "Is there a problem,officer?"
Chief: "One of my officers told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner."
Woman: "Murdered the owner?!!"
Chief: "Yes. Could you please slowly open your trunk?"
The woman steps out of the car and opens her car trunk, but it's empty. Confused, the chief says:
Chief: "Is this your car?"
Woman: "Yes, here's my registration papers."
The police chief is stunned.
Chief: "One of my officers say that you don't have a driver's license."
Woman: "My license is right here, officer."
Chief: "I don't understand. My officer tells me that you don't have a license, or vehicle registration papers. He said you stole this
car, hacked up the owner...and placed the body in the trunk!"
Stunned, the woman said "I bet the liar told you I was speeding too!"
An old couple were having problem remembering things. They went to the doctor who told them "There's nothing wrong with you physically, but you should start writing things down to remember them." The couple thanked the doctor and went home. That night, the old couple were sitting in the living room watching TV. The man got up and his wife asked "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replied. She asked him "Can you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." Then she said "You should write that down so you'll remember it." "No, I can remember that" he replied. "Well, I'd also like some fruits on top. You better write that down. You'll forget." "Don't worry, I can remember that. A bowl of ice cream with fruits." "But I'd also like cream on top. You should write that down, I know you'll forget that." Irritated, he yelled "I don't need to write that down." He went to the kitchen. 20 minutes later, he returned and handed her a plate of eggs and bacon. She stared at the plate and then said "You forgot the toast."
A couple were having their first baby. The wife went into labor at the hospital. The doctor told the husband they invented a new machine that would transfer the pain of labor onto the husband to help the wife. The husband agreed. The doctor turned on the machine and turned the knob to 10%. The husband felt fine and asked the doctor to turn it to 25%. The husband felt no difference and asked to turn it to 50%. The husband still didn't feel any pain. Finally, the doctor turned it up to 100%. The wife delivered a healthy baby and they drove home with their newborn child. They found the mailman dead on their front porch.
All the students walked back into class. They just finished their assignment, which was to sell something. Sarah went to the front of the class and handed the teacher $30. She said "I sold cookies door to door and made $30." "Good" said the teacher. Next, Bobby went to the front of the class and handed the teacher $50. He said "I sold fashion magazines to women at the mall and made $50." "Very good" said the teacher. Finally, Little Johnny went to the front of the class and dumped a bag of cash on the desk. He said "$2594." "What were you selling?!!" yelled the teacher. "Toothbrushes" answered Johnny. "How can you make that much money selling toothbrushes?!" exclaimed the teacher. "Easy. I found the busiest street in town. I gave everybody who walked by free cookie samples. They all said the same thing 'Hey, these taste like sh*t!' Then I told them 'It is sh*t. Would you like to buy a toothbrush?'"
A guy goes to his girlfriend's house to pick her up. She wasn't ready yet, so he decides to wait in the living room. The girl's mother comes home and sits in the room with him. After a long awkward silence, the guy had really had to pas gas. Fortunately, the dog jumps on the couch beside him. He decided to fart, thinking that if anyone noticed, he could blame the dog. He farts and the mother tells the dog "Max, get down from there!" Relieved, the guy farts again and the mother yells at the dog again. This continues for a few more farts. Finally, the woman screams "Max, get down before he sh*ts on you!"
3 guys were drinking in a bar. A drunk man walks up to them and yells at the younger man "Your mom's the best s*x in town!" The younger man gives him a disgusted look and continues drinking. The drunk man wanders off. A few minutes later, the drunk man comes back and points at the younger man "I just did your mom and it was sweet!" Everybody expects a bar fight now, but the younger man just ignores him. The drunk goes back to the bar for more drinks. He comes back, points at the younger man and yells "Your mom liked it!" The younger man sighs and says "Go home, Dad. You're drunk."
A politics teacher asked his class if anyone could give him an example of a tragedy. A student raised his hand and said "If my neighbour was walking across the street and got hit by a bus, that would be a tragedy." "No," said the professor "that would be an accident." Another student raised their hand and said "It would be a tragedy if an airplane carrying children crashed, and everyone in it died." "No, that would be a great loss" replied the professor. Finally, Johnny stood up and said "If an airplane carrying you was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy." Curious, the professor asked "Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well, it couldn't be an accident, and it's certainly no great loss" replied Johnny.
A priest was giving a speech on Sunday. He said "Forgive your enemies." After a long lecture, he asked how many people were willing to forgive their enemies. Half the people stood up. Not satisfied, he gave another lecture for 20 minutes. This time, 80% of the people stood up. Still not satisfied, he lectured for another 20 minutes. Wanting to leave, everybody stood up except an elderly lady in the back. The priest asked her "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" The sweet old lady said "I don't have any enemies." Surprised, the priest asked "Would you mind telling me how old you are?" The lady responded "I'm 94 years old." The priest was stunned. "Can you please come up and tell us how you lived to be 94 years old and not have any enemies?" The old lady smiled and hobbled up to the front. She turned to face the room and said "Easy. I just outlived the b*tches."
A man found a lamp and rubbed it. Out came the genie. The genie said "You released me from this lamp, blah blah blah. This is the 4th time this week and I'm sick of these wishes. You only get one." The man said "I want to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get seasick. I wish for a bridge across the ocean so I can drive to Hawaii every summer." The genie said "No way. Think how long the support beams would have to be! How much concrete, how much steel. You're going to have to make another wish" The man thought and said "I've been married 4 times. All my wives said I was insensitive. I wish I could read women's minds. Understand what they mean when they say 'nothing.'" The genie interrupted and said "So, how many lanes do you want on that bridge?"
A man receives a letter from his EX girlfriend:
Dear John
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our relationship. Can you please forgive and forget? I can't live like this. It's making me crazy. I love you. Love, Linde.
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
Dear John
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our relationship. Can you please forgive and forget? I can't live like this. It's making me crazy. I love you. Love, Linde.
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
An old woman went to visit her daughter. She found her daughter lying naked on the sofa and asked "What are you doing?" The daughter replied "I'm waiting for my husband. This is my 'invisible' dress." The mother goes back home. She takes off all her clothes and waits for her husband. When he arrives, he asks "What are you doing?" She replies "Waiting for you, while wearing my 'invisible' dress." The husband replies "Well, go iron it first."